When kids don’t listen: getting through without nagging

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child describes executive function skills as what help us plan, focus attention, switch gears and juggle tasks. No one is born with them; children build them over time.

So stopping a fun game to put shoes on asks a lot of a young brain. That’s why a warning before a change helps so much.

The Child Mind Institute lists giving instructions from across the room, switching activities without warning and firing off strings of questions as common triggers for problems. Face-to-face, one at a time, works better.

Hunger, tiredness, anxiety and distraction all make self-control harder, the Child Mind Institute explains. Asking less in those moments can prevent a battle.

If the real ask only comes after five reminders and a raised voice, kids learn to wait for it. The CDC suggests one clear direction, one warning, then follow-through, every time.

A Stanford brain study found that older teens’ reward areas responded more to unfamiliar voices than to their mother’s voice, unlike younger children. Researchers see this as a healthy shift that prepares teens for independence.

Teens still value time talking with you, even when they seem grumpy, the Raising Children Network notes.

The CDC says not following directions is sometimes mistaken for not paying attention, but can be a sign of partial or complete hearing loss. Other signs include often saying “Huh?” and turning the TV up too high.

Children should have their hearing checked before starting school, or any time you are worried. Ask your child’s doctor for a screening.

The AAP names unreasonable expectations as one reason children keep disobeying. A 3-year-old can’t “clean your room” alone, but can “put the cars in the red box.”

The Child Mind Institute notes that ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, sensory processing issues and autism can all sit behind frustration with tasks like homework or bedtime.

This isn’t about labelling your child. It’s about knowing when to ask for a closer look. See “ADHD in children & teens” and “Autism in children & teens”.

The AAP lists school problems, family stress and conflict between the adults as reasons for ongoing disobedience. If it’s new, tell your child you’ve noticed and work out the cause together.

Try saying…

• “I’ve noticed mornings have been really hard lately. Is something going on?”
• “You don’t seem like yourself. I’m not cross, I just want to understand.”

The CDC’s first step for giving directions is getting your child’s attention: get close, get on their level, say their name and make eye contact.

If eye contact is hard for your child, the AAP says looking at your chin, nose or just above your head is fine.

The AAP suggests describing what your child is doing during play (“You are stacking those blocks”), then praising. A few seconds of interest makes the switch to your request easier.

Try saying…

• “Wow, that tower is tall! In two minutes it’s bath time.”
• “Looks like a tough level. Pause at the next save point, please. Dinner’s ready.”

The AAP suggests about 5 minutes of play every day where your child picks the toy and leads, without you directing or quizzing. It also suggests 50 to 100 brief loving touches a day, like a hand on the shoulder.

The AAP suggests putting down devices, pausing the TV and giving full attention when your child talks. It notes that we naturally talk more than children listen.

The CDC suggests giving directions as statements rather than questions, and being polite with “please”. Only use “let’s” if you really plan to help.

Instead of… try…

• “Can you get dressed?” → “Please put your socks on.”
• “Shall we clean up?” → “Please put the blocks in the bin.”
• “Let’s brush teeth” (when you won’t) → “Teeth now, please. I’ll be in to check.”

Vague words like “Stop it!” don’t tell a child what to do instead, the CDC explains. Describe the behaviour you want to see.

Give one direction at a time, the CDC suggests. The Child Mind Institute adds that a string of instructions at once is a common trigger for not following through.

Offering two acceptable options, like showering before or after dinner, gives children some control while the task still gets done.

The CDC suggests using gestures to show what you mean. Pointing to the shoes, or handing over the toothbrush, helps younger children and children who process words more slowly.

The AAP suggests asking your child to repeat or explain what you said. It shows whether they understood, and saying it out loud helps them remember.

The Child Mind Institute suggests a warning about 10 minutes before a transition, a reminder at 2 minutes, then making the switch at the time you said.

A short song for clean-up or teeth can also signal “this is what happens next”.

The AAP suggests when–then statements, like “When you finish your homework, then you can go play baseball.” It says this works well for all children, not only those with ADHD.

For important instructions, the AAP suggests writing them down in simple words, or having your child write them. Picture charts showing the steps of a routine help younger children.

The CDC lists partial compliance, dawdling, pretending not to hear and undoing a finished task as kinds of not following through. Name it calmly and give the one warning.

The CDC suggests a calm if–then warning, like “If you throw the toy car again, then I’m going to put it away.” Only warn if you’re willing to follow through, and then always do.

If you put on a dawdling child’s shoes for them, the Child Mind Institute notes, dawdling becomes more likely next time. Stay nearby, stay calm and let them finish.

The AAP suggests praising specific behaviour, such as “Good job listening the first time!” The CDC suggests praise every time your child follows a direction, and fewer warnings as they improve.

ZERO TO THREE suggests offering choices (“an apple, a string cheese, or a bagel?”), using timers and visuals to help with waiting, and giving about five minutes’ notice before leaving.

If a toddler resists the car seat, ZERO TO THREE suggests calmly helping them in without anger and talking about what comes next.

Try saying…

• “Shoes on. Red ones or blue ones?”
• “Timer says one more slide, then the car.”
• “I’ll help your arm into the sleeve.”

At this age, clear expectations said at the start of a task, countdowns and two choices tend to work well. The Child Mind Institute suggests sitting down and stating expectations before homework starts.

Try saying…

• “When your bag is packed, then it’s free time.”
• “What’s your plan for getting homework done before soccer?”
• “Tell me the three things on the morning list.”

The CDC suggests involving teens in setting expectations, so they feel more invested in following them. The AAP’s teen experts say it is less important what you say, and more important that you listen.

Lectures are often not heard, and nagging usually makes teens switch off. A short, specific ask at a calm moment works better.

Try saying…

• “Bins go out tonight. Before or after your show?”
• “Can we agree on a time for the dishes that works for you?”
• “Text me when you get there. That’s the deal for going.”

The AAP says yelling at children and using words to shame them is ineffective and harmful. The Child Mind Institute adds that yelling from across the room usually fails.

The Raising Children Network says nagging isn’t likely to have much effect: it raises your frustration and your child will probably switch off.

Lecturing is likely to turn children off listening. If you want your child to listen to you, you might need to spend time listening to them first, the Raising Children Network suggests.

Instead of… try…

• “How many times do I have to tell you?!” → “Shoes on now, please.” (then wait nearby)
• “You never listen!” → “I need you to look at me for a second.”
• “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” → “What would help you get started?”
• “Fine, I’ll do it myself!” → “I’ll wait right here while you finish.”

Using “I” statements about the behaviour, like “I need more quiet while I’m working,” focuses on what you need rather than blaming the child, the AAP suggests.

The Raising Children Network suggests giving each child their own goal and rewards that match their interests, and notes that different things motivate different children.

One child may respond to a picture chart, another to a quiet word, another to a when–then. Try, notice and adjust.

The NHS says children need consistency, so everyone close to them should respond in the same way. The CDC asks all caregivers, including grandparents and babysitters, to handle the same behaviours the same way.

The NHS notes that solutions take time to work and that what you do has to be right for your child, yourself and the family. Changing one thing at a time makes it easier to see what helps.

• Disobedience comes with aggression or destroying things
• It happens at both home and school, and has for a long time
• It keeps going even after you’ve tried to understand their feelings
• You suspect a hearing problem
• Your child seems unhappy, friendless or very low

If your child talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, call or text 988 right away.

The CDC says behaviour therapy training for parents has the strongest evidence for younger children with behaviour problems. A therapist helps you build skills and improve your relationship with your child.

The National Parent & Youth Helpline offers free emotional support to parents, caregivers and young people 24/7 by call, text or chat at 1-855-427-2736.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.