Raising grandchildren on your own: single grandparents

You may still be grieving your spouse while learning to parent again. Some days you may miss them most when you need a second pair of hands.

What can help

• A grief group for widowed people
• Telling your grandchild stories about their grandparent
• Letting friends help with the jobs your partner used to do

You may be used to independence, but raising a child alone is a new kind of load. It’s okay to need more help now than you did before.

Some grandparents have a partner at home who can’t share the parenting because of illness or dementia. That can feel like caring in two directions at once.

Respite and caregiver programs can help with both. See the “Breaks without guilt” section below and the Caregiver stress & burnout guide.

Everything in this guide applies to any older relative raising a child alone. Many caregiver programs serve relatives aged 55 and older, not only grandparents.

You may have pictured a quieter stage of life. It’s okay to mourn that. Talk about it with a friend or counselor, not with your grandchild.

What not to say to your grandchild

• “I should be retired by now.”
• “You have no idea what I gave up.”

You may feel heartbreak, anger, fear or guilt about your own son or daughter. Many grandparents carry this quietly. A support group or counselor can give it a safe place to go.

The Grandparents raising grandchildren guide has a full section on when your own child is the parent.

Friends your age may be traveling or resting while you’re at school pickup. Parents at school may be decades younger. You can feel out of step with both.

See “A life of your own” below, and the Loneliness & loss in later life guide.

Tiredness is not a sign you’re doing it wrong. It is a sign you need rest and backup. The next sections are about exactly that.

Many grandparents say raising a grandchild gives them purpose and joy. Let yourself feel proud of what you’re doing.

Tell your clinical provider you’re raising a child on your own. They may know of support groups and can plan care around your role.

• Book your check-ups the same day you book theirs
• Bring a list of questions
• Ask about care that fits school hours

Keeping the same bedtime and wake time helps your body. A short rest while your grandchild is at school is not lazy. It’s maintenance.

Health guidance suggests building up to about two and a half hours of activity a week, in pieces as small as 20 to 30 minutes.

• Walk to the park together
• Gentle stretching while they do homework
• A chair exercise video
• Swimming at a community pool

Slow breathing, stretching, prayer, journaling or time outdoors can ease stress. Writing down a few things you’re thankful for each day can help too.

• Choose two people who could take your grandchild for a few days
• Ask them first, and give them your grandchild’s routine
• Make sure the school has their names

The “If I get sick: our plan” worksheet helps you write it down.

Standby guardianship lets a caregiver arrange for a chosen person to take guardianship under certain conditions, while keeping much of their own authority. Many states created these laws for people with disabling or terminal illnesses.

Rules depend on your state and on what legal custody you have now. A legal aid office or family lawyer can explain your options.

• Custody or guardianship papers
• Birth certificate and health insurance card
• School, doctor and dentist contacts
• Allergies, health needs and routines
• Who may and may not pick your grandchild up

Children who have already lost a parent may worry about losing you too. Keep it calm and simple.

What to say

• “I plan to be here for a long, long time.”
• “If I ever get sick, Aunt Rosa will take care of you until I’m better.”
• “You will always have someone to look after you.”

What not to say

• “I won’t be around forever, you know.”
• “Who knows what will happen to you if I die?”

The National Family Caregiver Support Program serves older relatives aged 55 and older raising children under 18. It can offer information, help getting services, counseling, support groups, caregiver training, respite and some extra help.

Find your local office through the Eldercare Locator: 1-800-677-1116 or eldercare.acl.gov.

Support groups can be one of the best ways to feel less alone. Ask your Area Agency on Aging, a family resource center, a faith community or your grandchild’s school.

• Meet the school counselor early in the year
• Ask about after-school programs and help with homework
• Ask the teacher to send updates by your preferred method (phone, paper, email)

Ideas

• A cousin who takes your grandchild to practice on Tuesdays
• A neighbor who can do emergency pickups
• A friend who helps with phone or computer forms
• A younger relative who takes your grandchild for a weekend each month

A shared calendar can help helpers see what’s needed.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org. It is free, confidential and open 24/7.

• Your Area Agency on Aging (through the Eldercare Locator)
• The ARCH National Respite Locator at archrespite.org
• After-school, camp and youth programs
• Faith communities and family resource centers

• An hour while a friend takes your grandchild to the park
• A weekly youth club evening
• A sleepover with a trusted relative
• Quiet time while they’re at school, with no chores

Taking a break is how you keep giving. A rested grandparent is more patient, more playful and more able to cope.

Tell yourself

• “Rest is part of caring.”
• “My grandchild benefits when I’m well.”

• Set up a safe play corner so you can sit and watch
• Play at the table: playdough, puzzles, drawing
• Read together on the couch
• Library story times and play groups do some of the running around for you

• A simple after-school routine on the fridge
• Small jobs: set the table, feed a pet, pack their bag
• Board games, cooking together, gardening
• Sports and clubs where other adults coach

• Car rides and meals are good times to talk
• Ask about their world: music, games, friends
• Agree on phone and curfew rules together
• Let them teach you a skill, like a new app

• A short list of easy dinners on rotation
• Grocery pickup or delivery if you can
• One laundry day a week, with kids helping by age
• Say no to extra commitments

Tell friends what works now: “Evenings are hard, but I’d love a coffee while she’s at school.” Phone and video calls count too.

Meeting other grandparents raising grandchildren can turn into friendships, swaps and shared outings. Ask your Area Agency on Aging about local groups.

Keep one thing in your week that is only yours. It reminds you that you are more than a caregiver.

Many faith and community groups offer youth programs for your grandchild and friendship for you at the same time.

• Offer regular school or activity rides
• Drop off a meal once a week
• Help with yard work, repairs or heavy lifting
• Take the grandchild for an afternoon so they can rest

Online school systems and benefit forms can be confusing. Sitting together to set things up can save hours of stress.

Try saying

• “You’re giving him a wonderful home.”
• “I’m free Saturday. Can I take her to the pool?”
• “How are YOU doing?”

Try not to say

• “Aren’t you too old for this?”
• “Where did his parents go wrong?”
• “You must be exhausted, why did you agree?”

Spending regular time with the grandchild gives them another caring adult and gives the grandparent a breather.

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Call 1-800-677-1116 or visit eldercare.acl.gov. It is a free public service of the U.S. Administration for Community Living.

Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, any time.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in many countries. Local social services can tell you about support for relatives raising children.