Fostering more than one child: siblings & different needs

Being placed with siblings, or keeping in touch, is a protective factor for children’s mental health. Children placed with all their siblings may also do better at school.

Siblings placed together tend to feel closer to their foster caregivers and like living in the foster home more. Children separated from siblings may worry about them, which can make it harder to settle.

Studies link placing siblings together with higher rates of reunification, adoption and guardianship. A large Texas study found fewer placement disruptions when all siblings were placed together.

A child’s idea of who their siblings are may be broader than legal definitions. Children may have siblings they’ve never met. Ask the child who they see as their brothers and sisters.

What to say

• “Tell me about your brothers and sisters. Who’s in your family?”

Ideas

• A drawer, shelf or box per child
• Name labels on belongings they brought
• Photos each child wants by their bed
• Their own towel, cup or bedding in a colour they chose

Ask the children what helps them feel safe at night, and check with your caseworker about any rules or safety plans. Children who shared a bed or room may find separating at night frightening at first.

Siblings can react to the same history very differently. Learn each child’s likes, fears, routines and triggers on their own terms.

What to say

• “What’s your favourite breakfast?” (asked to each child)
• “You and your sister are different, and that’s great.”

What not to say

• “The kids” every time, instead of their names
• “Your brother likes it, so you will too.”

When adults couldn’t care for them, an older child may have fed, comforted and protected younger ones. That took real love and courage. Letting go can feel scary, because trusting adults hasn’t always been safe.

What to say

• “You took such good care of your brothers. That was a big job.”
• “I’ll handle bath time. You can help if you’d like, but it’s my job now.”
• “You get to be a kid here too.”

What not to say

• “Stop bossing them around, you’re not their mom.”
• “That’s not your job,” said sharply, without explanation

One-on-one time doing something they enjoy, a club or team, and fewer responsibilities for younger siblings can help them relax. Keep them informed about plans for the younger ones, so they don’t worry.

A child may feel guilty about being removed from home while other siblings stayed behind or were born later. Let them talk about these feelings, and reassure them it isn’t their fault.

What to say

• “It makes sense you worry about her. Let’s ask what we can find out.”

Stay calm, hear each child privately and teach repair. Avoid labels like “the troublemaker.”

If a sibling may be a risk to another through physical, sexual or verbal harm, caseworkers should assess whether the risk can be managed. If so, a safety plan is put in place and the whole team, including foster parents, should know it.

If siblings are in therapy, it can help for them to see the same therapist, with appointments back to back or together. Some programs are designed to strengthen sibling relationships in foster care.

Caseworkers should work with birth, foster, adoptive and guardianship families to plan ongoing contact and solve barriers. Offer to share driving, swap respite or meet halfway.

What to say

• “It’s hard saying goodbye to your brother. When do you want to call him next?”

What not to say

• “If visits upset you this much, maybe we should stop them.”

Social media makes it easier for siblings to find and contact each other. Talk with the child and caseworker about expectations, and make sure the child knows how to stay safe online.

Children may ask why another child is in care. Give simple, private answers, and don’t discuss one child’s case where others can hear.

What to say

• “That’s her story to tell if she wants to. I won’t share yours either.”

A child who has no visits may feel left out, or sad on visit days. Plan something calm and special for the children staying home.

Ask each child, their family and caseworker about foods, hair and skin care, holidays, language and faith that matter to them. Celebrating each child’s traditions shows every child they belong.

Babies need you close and constant. Teens may need privacy, independence and help with the future. Be honest with your agency about how many different needs you can meet at once.

What to say

• “Everyone gets what they need. Right now he needs extra help with reading.”
• “When it’s your turn to need something, I’ll be there for you too.”

What not to say

• “Why can’t you behave like your sister?”
• “Life isn’t fair, get used to it.”

Keep core rules the same for all children, such as being safe and kind. How you help each child follow them can vary with age, development and history.

Birthdays and holidays can be painful for children in care. Keep a small stash of gifts so a newly arrived child isn’t left out, and celebrate every child’s birthday.

Put school, visits, therapy and activities for every child on one big calendar or whiteboard. Use pictures for younger children. It helps them know what to expect.

Ideas

• A short walk with one child after school
• Bedtime story or chat, one child at a time
• Bringing one child along on an errand
• Cooking a meal with one child helping

Reasonable choices help a child feel some control over their life. Rotate who picks the dinner, the game or the music.

Noise, mess and rushing can trigger children. Build in quiet time, a calm corner and gentle transitions, especially in the mornings and after visits.

It’s better to say “not right now” than to accept a placement that might break down. Be honest about space, energy, work and the needs already in your home.

What to say to the agency

• “I want to help, but I can’t safely take a fourth child right now.”
• “Could I take them with extra respite support?”

A “buddy” network of experienced foster or adoptive families can offer support, ideas and sometimes respite care.

Ask your agency about help with larger vehicles, beds, camps and family support groups. Experienced families are often the best source of tips.

Ways others can help

• Bring a meal in the first weeks
• Donate clothes, car seats or school supplies in different sizes
• Offer to drive one child while you take another
• Spend time with one child so you can focus on another

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD). Counselors offer crisis support, information and referrals, and can help you find your state’s reporting line.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org. It is free and confidential, any time.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. Your local children’s services or fostering agency can tell you about support for foster carers where you live.