Self-control for kids & teens

Experts at Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child compare these skills to air traffic control at a busy airport. They help a child hold information in mind, focus, filter distractions and switch gears.

The three skills

• Flexible thinking: switching gears when plans or rules change
• Self-control: resisting temptations and pausing before acting
• Working memory: holding information in mind and using it

Children learn self-control mostly by watching adults. If you handle frustration in calm, quiet ways, your child is likely to follow your example.

Adults help most by “scaffolding”: helping children through challenging tasks, then gradually stepping back so they can manage on their own, and learn from mistakes, as they are ready.

Younger children need lots of support with rules and structure. Older children can be more independent. The goal is to shift them away from relying on adults to keep them in check.

Distracting a young child with another toy or activity can head off a meltdown.

Try

• Give a warning before switching activities
• Move them to a new spot
• Offer a simple choice: “Red cup or blue cup?”
• Point out something interesting nearby

Teach them to use words instead of hitting, kicking or biting when they’re angry. Give praise and real affection when they behave in ways you like.

Simple feeling words

• Frustrated
• Mad
• Sad
• Scared
• Tired

A short time-out can help: about 1 minute for each year of age. From around age 3, children can return when they feel ready and in control, which helps them practise managing themselves.

Keep it calm and boring, not a punishment. The point is a break to settle down.

Games that ask toddlers to stop on cue, like freeze dance (musical statues), give real self-control practice. Don’t expect them to freeze without a few reminders.

Pretend play is great for preschoolers too. Playing a role, like a shopkeeper or a doctor, means sticking to the “rules” of the game. See Games that build self-control for more.

Teaching children to imagine a stop sign before reacting can help. Praise them when they walk away and cool off.

Practise together

1. Stop: picture a big red stop sign.
2. Breathe: smell the flower, blow out the candle.
3. Choose: what’s a good thing to do next?

Around 10 to 12, kids can look at what triggers them. Talk it through after things have calmed down, not in the middle of it.

Questions to ask

• How did your body feel just before?
• What could you try next time?
• What happened right before you got upset?
• Were you hungry or tired?

Children respond well to praise and affection when they behave in ways you like. Be specific about what they did.

Try saying

• “I saw you walk away when you were mad. That was hard.”
• “Thanks for waiting your turn.”
• “You took a breath before answering. Nice!”

Organised sports ask children to hold rules in mind, watch others and make quick decisions. Activities that need coordination, like soccer, may support attention. Learning an instrument trains focus and self-monitoring.

Movement plus mindfulness, such as yoga or martial arts, also helps children practise focusing attention and controlling their actions.

Ideas

• Explain consequences ahead of time, calmly and firmly
• Let them earn back privileges by showing self-control

Involve them in setting the rules where you can. People stick with plans they helped make.

Encourage teens to pick something specific they want to achieve, and make sure it matters to them, not just to you. Start simple, like getting a driver’s license or saving for something, then build to bigger goals.

Help them check in on their plan now and then: “Is this part of the plan? If not, why am I doing it?” This kind of self-monitoring helps catch impulsive habits.

Self-talk is a powerful way to bring thoughts and actions into awareness. When strong emotions or a sense of failure hit, it can help teens spot unhelpful thinking.

Encourage self-talk that focuses on growth. A setback can be a lesson about what to try next time, not a final judgment.

Ideas

• Agree on phone-free driving from day one
• Help them plan for peer pressure: “What will you say if…?”
• Offer a no-questions-asked pickup if they ever feel unsafe

Having teen or young adult passengers raises crash risk for unsupervised teen drivers, and 39% of high school drivers said they had texted or emailed while driving in the past month (2019).

Many teens don’t get enough sleep, which makes it harder to pay attention and control impulses. Only about 1 in 4 U.S. high school students get at least 8 hours on school nights.

Small sleep wins

• Charge phones outside bedrooms, for the whole family
• Keep a steady bedtime and wake time
• Save big talks for the daytime

Try

• Freeze dance (musical statues), with plenty of reminders
• Hide-and-find games like peekaboo
• Rhymes with a fun, expected ending, like pat-a-cake
• Simple physical challenges, like stacking or climbing

These short games ask little ones to wait, remember and stop on cue. They may not always manage it, but the practice is what counts.

Try

• Duck, Duck, Goose
• Freeze dance with special poses
• Musical chairs
• Pretend play with roles and rules
• Red Light, Green Light
• Simon Says

Games that need quick responses and stopping practise attention and holding back. Simon Says also trains switching between rules.

Try

• Card games that need matching or tracking, like Crazy Eights, Uno, rummy or Hearts
• Fast games like Snap or Slapjack
• Learning an instrument, singing in rounds or dance
• Organised sports

Strategy and card games ask children to plan ahead, remember what’s been played and resist the first move that comes to mind.

Try

• Competitive sports or music with complex parts
• Planning a real project, event or trip
• Setting a timer to check “Am I still on track?” while studying
• Volunteering on a cause they care about

What helps

• Agree on the time limit and plan before screen time starts
• Sit with them and gently bring them back to the here and now
• Use the device’s reminder to signal when time is nearly up

Letting older children set their own timer models self-regulation and helps them feel more in control.

Ideas

• Charging station outside bedrooms
• Phone-free dinners for everyone, adults included
• Screens off an hour before bed

For more on screens, see the Screens & your mind guide.

If you feel stressed, make sure your child is safe, then take your own calm-down break. When you’re calm, give them a hug and start fresh.

Quick resets

• A few slow breaths with a longer out-breath
• Cold water on your face or hands
• Step into another room for one minute

Children respond well to clear, calm and steady limits. Explaining consequences ahead of time, calmly and firmly, helps older kids and teens.

Ideas

• Celebrate patience and kindness
• Family “pause words” everyone can use
• Warnings before transitions

When you’ve snapped, a calm apology later shows your child how to own a mistake and make it right.

Steps

1. Wait until you are both calm.
2. Say what you did: “I yelled. That wasn’t okay.”
3. Name the feeling: “I was frustrated, and I handled it badly.”
4. Say what you’ll try next time.
5. Reconnect with a hug or time together.

Impulsivity is one of the main experiences linked with ADHD. It can look like interrupting, intruding on others, or having trouble waiting your turn.

About 7 million U.S. children aged 3–17 had a current ADHD diagnosis in 2024. For the full picture, see the ADHD guides.

Parent training in behavior management builds parenting skills, strengthens the parent-child relationship and helps children manage their own behaviour. For children with ADHD under age 6, it is the recommended first choice.

Parents usually meet with a therapist for 8 to 16 sessions and learn to use positive reinforcement, structure and consistent discipline.

Supports for ADHD include talking therapy, parent training and school supports.

Talk to your child’s teacher about simple ideas, like a quiet signal to wait or a place to jot down ideas. The School support for parents guide explains formal supports.

Signs

• A teacher or caregiver raises concerns
• Behaviour puts your child or others at risk
• It happens in more than one setting, like home and school
• It’s much more than other children their age
• You feel worn out or unsure what to do
• Your child seems unhappy or left out because of it

Options

• A child therapist or family therapist
• A school counselor or school psychologist
• Your child’s pediatrician
• Your child’s teacher, to compare notes

Bring examples of what happens, when and where. For finding and paying for care, see Finding mental health care.

Ideas

• A parent support group, in person or online
• A trusted friend or family member to swap breaks with
• Your own therapist, if stress is building

For more on raising children and teens, see Kids’ mental health (ages 0–12), Teens’ mental health and Kids: early signs & support.