When siblings hit, fight & compete

Toddlers are naturally protective of their belongings and are learning to be independent. School-age children care a lot about what is fair. Teens want to be their own person and may resent chores or looking after younger siblings.

What skills look like by age

• 3–4 years: starting to share and take turns, but frustration may still come out as pushing
• 5–7 years: better at sharing, compromising and talking through options, but still need encouragement when upset
• 8–12 years: less physical, more arguing about fairness, privacy, belongings and responsibilities

Fights often begin when children see a situation as unfair, feel their sibling doesn’t understand their point of view, or want to stand up for what they think are their rights.

Children are born with their own temperament. Kids can be more or less flexible, persistent, sociable, emotionally reactive, relaxed or open to negotiation, which explains why siblings react so differently to the same thing.

Differences in mood and adaptability can rub. A clingy child who gets more comfort from a parent may be resented by a sibling.

Kids may fight to get a parent’s attention. Regular one-on-one time with each child, and family fun together, lowers the competition for your attention.

When one child needs extra care, because of an illness or disability, siblings may act out for attention or because they are worried.

From a very young age, kids learn how to sort out differences by watching and copying. If adults yell, slam doors or argue aggressively, children learn those habits too.

Children who are physically punished, like being smacked, are more likely to be physically violent with siblings or friends. They are also more likely to fight if they see others being aggressive or get what they want by pushing and shoving.

Tiredness and hunger are common triggers for young children’s outbursts. Timely naps and meals can prevent many of them.

Recent changes, like a new baby, a move, or a new room at child care, can make a child feel less secure and more likely to lash out.

• Fights are about specific things, like a toy, the remote or a seat in the car
• Both children give as good as they get
• They make up and play again
• Nobody seems afraid of the other

Repeated physical aggression, threats, intimidation, deliberate humiliation, damaging belongings or other behaviour that makes a sibling afraid isn’t typical or okay. It needs professional support.

Other signs to take seriously

• A child doesn’t want to be left alone with a sibling
• Injuries, or fights that are getting more intense
• One child’s confidence or mood is dropping
• The same child is always on the losing end

Instead of deciding who was right or wrong, focus on each child’s responsibility for their own behaviour. If one child always seems protected, the other can build up resentment.

Fair treatment isn’t necessarily the same treatment. You can expect different things of a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old, and any consequences should fit each child’s age and behaviour.

A child may simply need more of something, like help, comfort or time, and that doesn’t mean the other is loved less.

Saying things like “You should know better because you’re older” or “You’re the troublemaker” can leave a child more hurt and resentful.

Always catering to a younger or less mature child can breed resentment and may hold back their social skills with friends. Taking turns choosing activities stops one child from always giving way.

Give each child personal space: time to play alone, time with friends without siblings, and activities that are theirs. Separate playdates or activities help too.

Family rules like “knock and ask before going into someone’s room” protect everyone’s space.

For older toddlers, point out what happened and how everyone felt. Then brainstorm better choices together, offering ideas if needed.

Try saying…

• “When you pushed Sam, he cried. He felt sad, and then he didn’t want to play.”
• “If someone takes your truck, you could say ‘Please give it back,’ or come and get me.”
• “Can you help him feel better? Maybe a hug, or bring him his blanket.”

1. Say what you’ve decided for now (for example, the game console is off until there’s a plan).
2. Ask each child to say what they think the problem is, and listen to each other.
3. Ask each child what they want to happen.
4. Brainstorm ideas together. Write them all down, without judging.
5. Rate the ideas: which won’t work, and which has the most upsides?
6. Agree on one, try it, and come back to it if it doesn’t work.

If two children want the same toy, suggest a game they can play together. For shared things like the TV or a video game, make a schedule. If the fighting goes on, put the item away for a while.

When your children cooperate, compromise, help each other or solve a problem together, let them know you noticed. Positive feedback encourages more of it.

If a fight continues after you have asked them to stop, or a child is in a rage and hitting or biting, separate them until they calm down. Very rough play may need to end for the day.

Watching closely helps you understand what sets fights off, so you can choose the right response next time.

Toddlers and preschoolers are still learning to be gentle. Teach older children how to touch and hold a baby, and praise them when they are gentle and loving.

Threats, intimidation, deliberate humiliation and regular aggression between siblings can be very distressing and lead to future relationship problems. Speak with a professional, starting with your family doctor.

Make sure the child who is targeted has a safe space, an adult they can tell, and time away from the sibling who is hurting them.

Short time-outs or removing what they are fighting over can work for preschoolers. A common rule of thumb is about one minute per year of age.

Pediatricians advise never spanking or hitting children. It tends to increase aggression and anger rather than teach self-control.

Build individual time into daily routines, like a bedtime chat or taking turns walking the dog. Special outings, like a monthly breakfast, help each child feel heard without siblings around.

Match it to the child: a walk for an active child, reading time for a quiet one.

• Eat together once a day, without screens
• Give each child an age-right job in cooking or clean-up
• Play teamwork games, or games with no score
• Pick a family volunteer project that fits everyone’s interests

Think ahead about how you will handle small disagreements and big fights before they happen. Schedules for shared things like the TV remote can stop fights before they start.

Transitions, tiredness before naps and being interrupted are common triggers for young children.

Hold a short weekly family meeting to go over the rules, talk about what went well and notice progress. Some families use points that kids earn together toward a family treat when they avoid fights.

Reassure your children that they are safe, important, and that their needs will be met. Family fun, like games, movies or outings, eases tension and lowers competition for your attention.

Predictable rules help children learn, while mixed responses can encourage the behaviour. Agree together on the family rules and what happens when they are broken.

If one parent is leading and the other is supporting, the supporting parent can back up the plan with the same calm words. If you disagree, talk it through away from the children.

If it’s safe, take a few slow breaths before you respond. If that isn’t enough, ask another adult to take over while you take some time out.