Dads’ mental health

Things that add pressure

• Changes in your relationship and less time together
• Feeling unsure what to do with a newborn
• Going back to work quickly, with little or no leave
• Losing sleep for weeks or months
• Memories of your own father, good or hard
• Money worries, especially if one parent is off work
• Your partner struggling with her own mental health

Cleveland Clinic adds that a common expectation that new dads should feel nothing but joy can leave fathers feeling guilty when they don’t.

Some dads feel left out of the bond between mother and baby, or unsure how to help. Cleveland Clinic lists feeling left out, while bonding with the baby takes longer, as one of the risk factors for depression in new fathers.

This feeling is common, and it usually eases as you take on more hands-on care. See “Bonding takes time” below for ideas.

Pressure to provide for a growing family, especially around money and career, is another risk factor Cleveland Clinic lists for new dads.

Being a good dad is not only about what you earn. Your time, your patience and your presence matter to your kids.

Depression in new dads can look like depression in other men: irritability, pulling away, staying late at work, drinking more, or feeling numb. Men with depression can be mistaken for being angry or “crabby.”

Signs to watch for

• Constant worry about money, the baby’s health or safety
• Drinking, gaming or scrolling more to escape
• Feeling numb, flat or like you’re just going through the motions
• Feeling useless, left out or like a bad father
• Headaches, stomach problems or aches without a clear cause
• Snapping at your partner or kids over small things
• Thoughts that your family would be better off without you
• Trouble sleeping even when the baby is asleep
• Working longer hours, or finding reasons not to come home

Depression in dads often peaks when the baby is 3 to 6 months old. In the studies that looked at that time, about 1 in 4 fathers reported depression.

By then, the early rush of visitors and help has usually faded, but the sleepless nights haven’t. It’s a good time for dads, and the people around them, to check in.

Things linked with higher risk

• A baby born early: one review found fathers of preterm babies had roughly double the risk
• A history of depression, in you or your partner
• A partner who is depressed
• An unplanned pregnancy
• Money strain, losing a job or little support around you
• Strain in your relationship

Some dads feel on edge all the time: checking the baby again and again, lying awake worrying, or picturing something bad happening. Postpartum Support International notes that anxiety, OCD and PTSD can all appear in dads around a birth.

If worries or scary thoughts keep coming back or are hard to shake, you don’t have to manage them alone. Talk to your clinical provider or call the PSI HelpLine.

Postpartum depression and anxiety in dads are treatable. Talking to a doctor or therapist early can stop things from getting worse, for you and for your family.

Cleveland Clinic advises reaching out to a healthcare provider if symptoms last more than two to three weeks. Talking therapies, like CBT, and support groups can help.

Ideas

• Agree on a code word for “I’m running on empty”
• Ask each other “How are you, really?” once a day, and listen to the answer
• Name the problem as the situation, not each other: “We’re both exhausted”
• Pick a calm time for hard talks, not 3am

Talking to your partner about how you both feel is one of the things the NHS says helps parents with postnatal depression.

Ways to share

• Ask family or friends for specific help: a meal, a load of laundry, an hour of baby care
• Split the night into shifts so each of you gets one longer stretch of sleep
• Take over a regular task completely, like bath time or the morning feed
• Write a shared list of jobs so no one is keeping it all in their head

If your partner seems low, anxious or not herself after the birth, gently say what you have noticed and offer to help her talk to her clinical provider. Postpartum Support International and the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline support partners and family too.

Supporting a partner can be exhausting, and you may be tired, stressed or low yourself. Your needs matter too.

Try

• Being patient with yourself while you learn
• Skin-to-skin contact, like holding your baby on your bare chest
• Taking over bath time or a regular feed
• Taking the baby for walks so your partner can rest
• Talking, reading or singing to your baby, even if they can’t understand yet

Research reviews link depression in fathers with less warmth and more irritability at home, and with more behavior and emotional struggles in young children. This is not about blame. It shows that getting support for dads helps the whole family.

If you feel cut off from your baby for weeks, or feel nothing at all, that can be a sign of depression. It’s worth talking to your clinical provider. It does not mean you’re a bad dad.

What can help

• Find other dads or mentors you respect, and ask how they do it
• Notice when you hear his words coming out of your mouth, pause, and try again
• Talk it through with a counselor if old memories feel heavy
• Write down what you wished your dad had done, and pick one thing to do with your kids this week

You will lose your temper or get it wrong sometimes. Coming back afterwards and owning it teaches kids that mistakes can be fixed and that they are safe with you.

A simple repair

1. Calm down first
2. Name what happened: “I yelled at you.”
3. Own it without excuses: “That wasn’t OK.”
4. Reconnect: a hug, a game or time together

Watching yourself care for your child can bring up grief for the care you didn’t get. Naming that loss, with a partner, friend or counselor, can make room to enjoy being the dad you are becoming.

What helps

• Go easy on alcohol, which deepens low moods
• Keep routines: sleep, meals, work, exercise
• Look for a divorce or separated dads’ support group
• Tell at least one friend or family member what is happening

What helps

• Contact legal aid if you can’t afford a lawyer
• Get legal advice early on custody
• Plan support around court dates: who will check on you that day?
• Write down questions before each meeting so you don’t forget them

The days just before a hearing can feel especially heavy. A legal problem is something to get through, not the end of your story.

Ideas

• Keep a regular call, video chat or message time they can count on
• Keep promises small and reliable
• Make a space for them at your place, even a drawer of their things
• Never put them in the middle or badmouth their other parent

Almost 1 in 5 stay-at-home parents in the U.S. are dads: 18% in 2021, up from 11% in 1989. Some stay home by choice, others because of illness, disability or not finding work.

Being home with kids can be rewarding, but it can also be isolating, especially when most other parents at the playground or school gate are moms. Finding other dads in the same spot can help a lot.

Worry about teenagers, arguments and feeling pushed away are common. These are real stresses, and it is OK to need support.

Ideas

• Join a dads’ group or parenting class
• Keep showing up, even when they seem not to want you
• Plan regular one-on-one time with each child, even a short drive
• Talk side by side: car rides and shared jobs make talking easier

Not seeing your kids as much as you want, or an empty house when children move out, can bring a real sense of loss. Many dads find new purpose in mentoring, volunteering or new shared interests with their grown children.

After a miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a baby, dads often focus on supporting their partner and get little room to grieve. Your grief is real, even if it looks different from hers.

Postpartum Support International lists support for dads who have lost a baby, including groups for bereaved fathers.

Postpartum Support International offers a free online support group just for dads, a closed online group for fathers, and volunteers who are fathers with their own lived experience. It also runs a peer mentor program and a directory of trained providers.

PSI also points dads to community programs like Boot Camp for New Dads, a father-to-father workshop.

Try

• Avoid drinking, gambling and other risky ways to escape
• Eat regular meals and move your body, even a short walk with the stroller
• Rest when you can, and take turns with night wakings
• Talk about your feelings with someone who listens without judging

Talking therapies, like CBT, can help with depression and anxiety after a baby. Many therapists offer video or phone sessions, which can be easier to fit around work and family.

Words that can help

• “A lot of dads feel this way after a baby. It doesn’t make you weak.”
• “How are you doing? Not the baby, you.”
• “I’m here, no matter what.”
• “Want me to help you find someone to talk to?”

Many men find it easier to talk side by side, while walking with the stroller, driving or fixing something, than face to face.

Ideas

• Give him a break so he can sleep, exercise or see a friend
• Help him look up a doctor or therapist
• Invite him to a dads’ group, or go with him the first time
• Share the PSI HelpLine (1-800-944-4773) if he’s a new or expecting dad

Supporting someone who is struggling, especially a partner after a new baby, can be exhausting. You may also be tired, stressed or low yourself.

Look after yourself

• Call or text 988 for advice on how to help someone else
• Get your own support from a counselor or support group
• Lean on friends and family too
• Set limits if his anger is aimed at you. You deserve to feel safe

Call 1-800-944-4773 (press 1 for Spanish, 2 for English), or text 800-944-4773 in English or 971-203-7773 in Spanish. It connects you with support and local resources. It is not a crisis line.

Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). It is free, confidential and open 24/7, in English and Spanish, with interpreters in other languages. Partners and family members are welcome to reach out.

Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). If a life is in danger, call 911.

Outside the U.S.? Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.