Foster care & kinship care

Many grandparents and relatives step in after an illness, a death, addiction, a parent’s prison sentence or a crisis, without any agency involved. Most kinship families in the U.S. are arranged this way.

Caregivers in informal arrangements often get little to no financial help and little guidance on the systems they now need to deal with, like schools and health care.

In 2023, 38% of children in U.S. foster care lived with a relative or kin caregiver. Just over half of them were with licensed caregivers.

Since 2023, federal rules let states use separate licensing standards for relatives and kin, so families can be approved more quickly and receive the same foster care payments as other foster families.

Foster care is meant to keep a child safe while their family works on the problems that led to removal. Many children go home to their parents. Others are adopted or live with relatives or guardians long term.

Kinship guardianship lets a relative or someone close to the child become the child’s legal, permanent guardian. It can give stability without ending the parents’ legal rights.

Adoption creates a new legal parent–child relationship. Some states offer guardianship or adoption assistance payments. Ask your caseworker or a legal aid group what applies to you.

Grandparents often love their adult child and feel hurt or let down by them at the same time. Holding both is painful. Try to keep your harder feelings about the parent away from the child, who usually loves their parent too.

You may grieve the relationship you used to have with your adult child, the grandparent role you expected, or freedom, savings and plans. These are real losses, even when you would make the same choice again.

In a small study of custodial grandparents, 40% rated their own health as fair or poor, and 41% had high levels of depression symptoms. Family support was linked with fewer symptoms.

Keep up with your own check-ups. Looking after your health is part of looking after the child.

Kin caregivers can feel they don’t fit with retired friends or with young parents at the school gate. Kinship support groups and grandfamily networks connect you with people in the same situation.

Moving from “fun” relative to everyday rule-setter can be confusing for you and the child. Children often do best when adults are clear and consistent, and when they’re allowed to keep calling you what feels natural.

Things that help in the first days

• A quiet, simple space that is theirs
• Basic clothes, a toothbrush and a comfort item
• Familiar foods if you can find out what they like
• Few rules at first, explained gently
• Telling them what will happen next, as far as you know

Court dates get moved and plans change. Not knowing is one of the hardest parts of fostering. It helps to focus on giving the child good days now, whatever comes next.

You will share information, attend meetings and follow agency rules. Keeping a simple notebook of appointments, behaviour changes and questions makes this easier.

One well-known workshop for foster, adoptive and kinship caregivers is “Caring for Children Who Have Experienced Trauma”, from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. It is co-led by a professional and an experienced resource parent.

A child’s alarm system may be set very high. Staying calm, lowering your voice and giving them space to settle helps them learn that this home is different.

If adults have left before, a child may act out to find out whether you will stay. Steady, predictable care, even after a hard day, slowly builds trust.

Reassure rather than punish. A bowl of snacks they can always reach, a night-light and a predictable bedtime routine can ease these worries over time.

Excitement, disappointment and divided loyalty can all show up as tears, anger or clinginess. Expect it, plan a calm routine afterwards, and let them talk (or not) about it.

You can be honest without blaming: “Your mom is working on getting healthy so she can take care of you.” Children often feel that criticism of their parent is criticism of them.

Ideas

• Help the child make a drawing or bring a photo to share
• Keep the routine around visits calm and predictable
• Share small updates with parents, if the agency allows it, like school news or a first tooth
• Talk with the caseworker if a visit seems to upset the child a lot

Foster parents often grieve deeply when a child goes home or moves on, even when it is the right outcome. Some call it a loss without a funeral. Let yourself feel it and lean on others who understand.

Ways to say goodbye well

• Make a life book or photo album for the child to take
• Write down their routines and favourite things for the next caregiver
• Ask whether staying in touch is possible and welcome
• Take time to rest before saying yes to a new placement

If you are raising a relative’s child, the parent may show up unexpectedly, make promises they can’t keep, or be angry with you. Clear, calm boundaries protect the child. If there is a court order, follow it, and ask the caseworker or a lawyer for help if it is not respected.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org to find food, housing, utility, child care and health care help near you. It is available in almost all of the U.S. and in many languages.

Licensed relatives receive the same foster care payments as other foster families. Many states now have kin-specific licensing standards that are easier for relatives to meet.

Ask your caseworker: “Can I become licensed, and what support comes with it?”

Kinship navigator programs offer information, referrals and follow-up to link kin caregivers with benefits and services. Some offer case management and practical goods. The Child Welfare Information Gateway keeps a directory by state, territory and tribe.

Depending on your state, options may include a caregiver authorization form, custody, guardianship or adoption. Each has different effects on parents’ rights and on financial help. Legal aid offices and kinship navigators can explain your choices.

In nearly every state, eligibility for a TANF child-only grant is based only on the child’s income, not the caregiver’s. Many eligible children don’t receive it because caregivers, and sometimes agency staff, don’t know about it.

Many agencies and kinship programs offer respite care or can suggest approved babysitters. Taking a break is not giving up. It helps you keep going.

Connecting with other caregivers is a key goal of trauma-informed training, because other resource parents understand in a way friends may not.

Caring for a child who has been hurt can wear you down, especially when you hear about what they lived through. If you feel numb, short-tempered or hopeless, it is time to get more support.

Your own history, grief or worries can be stirred up by caring for a child in crisis. Talking therapy is for you too, not only the child.

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD), 24/7. Counselors offer crisis support, information and referrals in over 170 languages. It is not a reporting line, but they can help you find your state’s.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, any time. It is free and confidential.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. Your local children’s services or social services office can tell you about kinship and foster care support where you live.