Teaching kids manners & kindness

Raising Children Network (Australia) says sharing helps children make and keep friends, play cooperatively, take turns, negotiate, treat others fairly and cope with disappointment.

These skills matter more as children start playdates, child care, preschool and school.

Harvard’s Making Caring Common project found many young people believe their parents care more about grades and happiness than kindness. It recommends giving children regular chances to practise caring and helping, and offering strong role models.

The AAP says age-appropriate chores promote a sense of responsibility, belonging and contribution to the family, and help build self-esteem.

When children see that their kindness makes someone smile, they learn that they can make a difference.

Children under 2 are only beginning to understand that other people have their own thoughts and feelings. When they want something, they often just grab it.

A 2-year-old might share some of the time, but expecting toddlers to share consistently is unrealistic. Consequences for not sharing probably won’t help them learn.

Try

• Say “please” and “thank you” to your toddler, often
• Take turns in play: you add a block, then they add one
• Wave hello and goodbye together

Many preschoolers understand that sharing equally is “fair”, but they still may not want to give something up, and waiting can be hard.

By about age 4, most children can hold a fork or spoon like an adult and can start learning basic table manners with your help.

Try

• Activities that involve sharing, like drawing one big picture with the same crayons
• Gentle reminders: “What’s the magic word?”
• Praising every small try

By the time most children start school, they understand that other people have feelings too. They are better at negotiating and managing disappointment, so they are more likely to share.

Sharing can still be hard when they are very excited or upset, or if they think they won’t get a fair go.

Try

• Helping with real jobs, like setting the table
• Talking about how characters in books feel
• Thank-you drawings or notes for people who helped them

The AAP suggests that older children can learn to support someone being singled out or bullied, for example by comforting a classmate who is being teased or reaching out to a new student.

Older kids may not want public praise. A quiet word later often lands better.

The Child Mind Institute suggests thanking children for helpful things, even chores like putting toys away.

When you speak to your child the way you want them to speak to others, they hear exactly what it sounds like.

The AAP asks parents to think about how they respond to others, from the letter carrier to teachers to family elders, and about the words they use when talking about people of a different race, religion or culture.

Saying a genuine thank you to the person who serves your food is a small moment your child will notice.

Kids notice how parents talk to each other. When they hear parents check in with each other or ask how someone feels and really listen, they are more likely to do the same.

If one parent leads on manners, the other can back it up quietly: “Mum asked nicely, so let’s do it.” If you parent alone, other trusted adults (grandparents, carers, teachers) can echo the same words.

Try saying

• “Can you ask me again with a please?”
• “Thank you for asking so nicely.”
• “Let’s say thank you to Grandma for the snack.”

Talking with children about how it feels to be thanked, and how it feels when nobody says thanks, helps them understand why it matters.

Forcing a quick “sorry” can teach a child to say the word without meaning it. It often helps to wait until everyone is calm, then talk about how the other person feels.

Try saying

• “Look at Sam’s face. How do you think he feels?”
• “What could you do to help him feel better?”
• “Would you like to say sorry, or get him an ice pack?”

Child Mind Institute experts suggest helping children imagine how others feel, for example: “How do you think Mark felt when you took his toy away?”

The AAP says children can learn that it’s fine to say “no” to anyone, including adults, if they don’t want to be touched or hugged.

Offer polite alternatives: a wave, a high-five, a handshake or a smile. This keeps both kindness and the child’s comfort.

Try saying

• “You can wave or high-five Uncle Ray goodbye. Which one?”
• “It’s okay not to hug. Let’s say a big ‘bye’ together.”

Some families use a quiet signal: the child puts a hand on your arm, and you put your hand on theirs to show “I know you’re waiting”. Then turn to them as soon as you can.

Praise the waiting, not just the asking: “You waited so patiently. Thank you. What did you want to tell me?”

Raising Children Network suggests naming what’s happening (“You both want the truck. You’re still playing with it, and Luca is waiting. What could we do?”) and then helping them choose: take turns, use a timer, find another toy, or decide when the next turn starts.

If things are heating up, put the toy aside until everyone is calm, then try again.

A sand timer or kitchen timer shows a child how long their turn lasts and how long they need to wait.

Offer something to do while waiting: “While you wait, do you want to build the garage for the truck?”

It’s okay for children to have some toys just for themselves. Putting them away before a playdate avoids fights and shows you understand they are precious.

Raising Children Network suggests explaining simply, for example: “It’s much easier to hear what you’re saying when you don’t have food in your mouth!”

Most children don’t grasp the finer points of table manners until around age 5, so try not to expect too much from toddlers.

Both the AAP and Raising Children Network recommend turning off the TV and other screens at family meals.

Letting your child set the table or help prepare the meal gives them a role and something to feel proud of.

Pick one or two manners to work on at a time and praise them when you see them. Let the small stuff go.

Try saying

• “I saw you let your sister go first. That was kind.”
• “You waited for me to finish talking. Thank you.”
• “You remembered to say please without a reminder!”

Descriptive praise is also more genuine than general praise like “You’re a good boy”.

Raising Children Network suggests praising any effort or improvement rather than waiting until your child has done something very well, and praising much more often than you correct.

When a new habit is starting, praise it every time. As it becomes more regular, you can praise it less often.

The CDC says social rewards like affection, praise and extra time together can be more powerful than material rewards, and rewards work best right after the behaviour.

If you need treats a lot, the skill may be too hard right now. Make the step smaller.

The Child Mind Institute suggests asking your child to name three things they are grateful for each night.

Share yours too: “I’m grateful you helped me carry the shopping today.”

The Child Mind Institute suggests finding fun ways to say thanks that suit your child, like a drawing, a photo, a smile or baking something for a helper.

Respect your child’s own way of showing thanks, whether it’s a hug, a helpful deed or a picture.

The AAP encourages children to comfort a classmate being teased or reach out to a new student. If they are unsure how, ask: “If you were new, what would help you feel comfortable?”

The Child Mind Institute suggests volunteering or donating as a family, and letting children choose causes that match their interests, like a bake sale.

Keep it age-appropriate and simple: picking toys to donate, or helping an older neighbour.

Let a shy child show politeness in ways that feel safe: a wave, a nod, a drawing, or saying thank you to you to pass on. Praise the effort.

Avoid labelling a child as “rude” or “shy” in front of others. Labels can stick.

Raising Children Network suggests focusing on the positive behaviour you want and catching it when it happens, rather than only correcting.