Separation anxiety in babies & toddlers

The NHS says separation anxiety is usually a sign of how well you have bonded with your child, so there is no need to feel guilty.

This applies to any close, steady caregiver: a parent, grandparent, step-parent, foster or kinship carer.

Leaving your child with another trusted caregiver does not harm them. It helps them learn to cope and grow more independent.

The CDC lists being shy, clingy or fearful around strangers, and reacting when you leave, among typical milestones by 9 months.

Separation anxiety is temporary. Each time you return, your child learns a little more that you come back, and can keep you in mind while you’re apart.

Daily separation anxiety is rare after the preschool years.

Some babies show it at 4 to 5 months, and most show stronger signs around 9 months. It is often worse when your baby is hungry, tired or unwell.

Many toddlers start at 15 to 18 months, even if they were fine as babies. Growing independence can make them more aware of separations, and reactions can be loud and tearful.

By 18 months, the CDC notes that many children move away from you to explore but look back to make sure you are close.

By about 3, children understand how their pleas affect you. They are still stressed, but are also learning to cope. Staying consistent matters most now.

Separations are harder when a child is hungry, tired or sick. Anxiety can also last longer or come back during stressful times.

Playing peek-a-boo shows your baby that you always come back. The CDC suggests hiding your face under a cloth and seeing if your baby uncovers you.

Letting your baby hear your voice when you are out of sight reassures them. Once they can move, let them follow you around safely.

Start with a few minutes in the care of someone your child knows well. Slowly work up to longer times, and then to less familiar places.

The AAP suggests playdates, time with grandparents or short babysitting sessions, and rehearsing drop-offs before starting childcare or preschool.

For toddlers, explain what you will do together when you come back. Use moments they understand, like “after nap time” or “after 3 sleeps”, not “in 3 days”.

Older toddlers often enjoy acting out a teddy going to daycare and a parent toy coming back. The CDC encourages pretend play at around 18 months.

Doing the same goodbye at the same time each day builds trust and independence.

Zero to Three also suggests a steady morning routine, like a song you sing on the way to childcare.

• A kiss in their palm to “keep” all day
• A secret handshake
• A special phrase, like “See you later, alligator”
• Three big hugs and a high five
• Waving from the same window every day

Returning when you said you would builds trust. The AAP warns that popping back early to “visit” can stretch out the anxiety and restart the cycle.

The AAP suggests rehearsing drop-offs before starting childcare or preschool. Short practice separations with people your child knows can help too.

Ideas

• Drive or walk past and talk about it
• Look at photos of the room or caregivers, if they can share them
• Read a picture book about going to daycare
• Visit together if the setting allows it

Zero to Three suggests giving the caregiver a family photo or a shirt you’ve worn, which carries your scent. The NHS suggests a scarf or a favourite toy.

Zero to Three reminds parents that early educators know how to help children with their big feelings.

Questions to ask the caregiver

• Can you send a quick message or photo once they’ve settled?
• How long did it take my child to settle today?
• What helps them calm down there?
• Who do they go to when they’re upset?

Crying at goodbye is normal. The NHS suggests speaking to a health professional if distress is severe, lasts a long time after you leave, or continues for more than a few weeks.

• “I’ll be back after snack and nap. I always come back.”
• “It’s OK to feel sad. Ms. Ana will give you a cuddle.”
• “You can miss me and still have fun.”
• “Kiss in your hand. Keep it till I’m back!”

Sneaking off can make a child worry you might disappear at any time, and they may not trust that you’ll return. Zero to Three and the CDC both advise always saying goodbye.

The AAP says lingering lengthens the transition. Going back into the room because your child is pleading, especially with preschoolers, can make it harder next time.

• “Big kids don’t cry.”
• “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you a toy.”
• “I’ll be sad if you cry.”
• “There’s nothing to be upset about.”

Your child’s feelings are real. You can acknowledge them and still leave calmly.

A comfort object can reassure your child when they are apart from you, comfort them when upset, help them sleep when tired, and help a strange place feel more like home. It is not a sign of weakness or insecurity.

Keeping two identical comfort objects lets you wash one while the other is in use. Start swapping early, or your child may reject the second one as too new.

Keep toys, blankets and other soft objects out of your baby’s sleep space until their first birthday. A comfort object can be used while awake and held during the day.

Children usually give up their comfort object on their own as they learn other ways to cope.

The NHS says feeling guilty is unnecessary, and that separation anxiety should not stop a parent from working. The AAP advises against cancelling your own plans because of it.

Leave calmly, without a big scene, and try not to get upset in front of your child. Children can pick up on your tension.

If you find it very hard to be apart from your child, or worry constantly while away, you are not alone. Anxiety at every age covers anxiety in parents, and a doctor or counselor can help.

Children who have moved homes, are in foster or kinship care, or split time between two homes may find goodbyes harder. Keep rituals extra steady, and talk with their doctor or caseworker if you’re worried.

Zero to Three suggests doing the bedtime routine in your child’s room, then leaving and checking in briefly every few minutes, without turning on lights or picking them up.

When a new baby arrives, older children may go backwards a little and want more of you. Zero to Three suggests one-on-one time in the day.

Familiar sheets, a comfort object and your usual routine help a child feel safe in a new place. Most disruptions ease as a child gets used to the change.

Free, confidential support for anyone in emotional distress, including stressed or overwhelmed parents and caregivers. You can also chat at 988lifeline.org.

A free, 24/7 text line with trained crisis counselors.

Free, confidential support for pregnant and new parents and their loved ones, in English and Spanish.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) is a free directory of verified helplines in many countries. In the UK, your health visitor can help with separation worries.