High-conflict & parallel parenting

High conflict is about patterns over time, not one bad week. Researchers point to repeated court cases, deep anger and a lasting sense of distrust about the other parent’s ability to care for the child.

It can look like

• Arguments about almost every decision, big or small
• Going back to court again and again
• Handovers that often end in shouting or tears
• Messages that are long, angry or full of the past
• Neither parent trusting anything the other says

In high conflict, both parents may be angry and dug in, but neither is afraid of the other. In abuse, one person uses fear and control. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that some abusive partners use children to keep control after a separation, for example by threatening to take custody.

Questions to ask yourself

• Am I afraid of what they might do?
• Do they threaten me, follow me or track me?
• Do they use money, court or the children to control me?
• Do I change what I do to avoid their anger?

Research shows that ongoing hostility between parents, from cold silence to open fights, can affect a child’s feelings, behavior, schoolwork and friendships, whether parents live together or apart.

Reviews of research link hostility and physical aggression between parents with more behavior problems in children. Destructive conflict, like yelling, blaming or putting children in the middle, can be especially damaging.

The hopeful flip side: children are more resilient and less stressed when conflict goes down.

Feelings are often rawest soon after a split. Structure, distance and support give that hurt room to settle, and for many parents the heat slowly goes down.

What often helps

• A clear, detailed written plan
• Fewer face-to-face meetings
• Short, written, child-focused messages
• Support for each parent, like counseling or a support group
• Time for raw feelings to settle

Co-parenting often means

• Talking often and making decisions together
• Shared rules across homes
• Going to events together
• Flexibility and give-and-take

Parallel parenting often means

• Little direct contact, mostly in writing
• Each parent runs their own home their way, within the plan
• A detailed schedule with little need to negotiate
• Taking turns at events, or sitting apart
• A third party helping with big decisions

Tips from experts

• Agree in advance how and when you’ll communicate
• Decide how emergencies will be handled
• Keep handoffs short and put information in writing
• Use a shared calendar, or split events by whose time it is
• Have backup plans for emergencies and share them early
• If a boundary is crossed, use your court guidelines or mediation

Significant news, like a school suspension or a health worry, is still worth sharing with the other parent, even if most things aren’t.

In parallel parenting, the other home may do things differently, and you may not like it. Unless something is unsafe, it often helps to let go of what you can’t control and focus on making your own home warm and steady.

Questions to ask yourself

• Is this unsafe, or just different from how I’d do it?
• Will this matter in a year?
• Is raising it worth the conflict my child will feel?
• Can I make up for it with love and routine in my home?

Keep messages to the who, what, when and where your child’s other parent needs. Leave out blame, history, sarcasm and feelings about the other parent. The shorter the message, the less there is to fight about.

Example

1. Instead of: “As usual you didn’t tell me about the field trip. Typical.”
2. Try: “Hi, the field trip form is due Thursday. I’ve signed my part. Could you sign yours by Wednesday? Thanks.”

Some messages are written to provoke. Defending yourself point by point usually leads to a longer, angrier thread. You can answer only the part about your child and let the rest go.

Things you can skip

• Comments about your character or past
• Criticism of your new partner or family
• Old arguments about the relationship
• Threats to “see you in court” (save these and talk to a family law professional)

Written messages leave a record of what was agreed. In high-conflict families, an app or email that keeps a permanent record can reduce “he said, she said” arguments.

Simple record habits

• Keep a private, dated note of missed handovers or broken agreements
• Save messages, rather than screenshots out of context
• Stick to facts, not guesses about motives
• Store records somewhere the other parent can’t reach

In parallel parenting, a third party such as a counselor or the court may help set schedules and make major decisions.

A parenting coordinator is a trained professional who helps high-conflict parents carry out their parenting plan and manage disagreements. See “Courts, mediation & coordinators” below.

Parenting programs at ASU teach parents to listen so children open up, accept their feelings without judgment, and keep consistent boundaries and routines.

Small daily anchors

• A bedtime chat or story, every night you have them
• Listening without fixing or judging
• Predictable meals, bedtimes and routines
• Saying often: “I will always love you. You will always be taken care of.”

Children notice tone, sighs, slammed doors and the way one parent talks about the other. Researchers describe a whole range of conflict that affects children, not just shouting.

Try to keep away from children

• Arguments, in person or on the phone
• Court papers, legal talk and money worries
• Phone calls venting to friends or relatives
• Social media posts about the other parent

If your child sees a fight, the researcher advises acknowledging it and reassuring them: “It’s not your fault.” Parents who model respectful disagreement, apologies and problem-solving can even help children learn.

A short repair

1. Wait until you are calm
2. Say what happened in one sentence
3. Own your part, without blaming the other parent
4. Reassure them it’s not their fault or their job to fix
5. Do something comforting together

An NIMH-funded program at ASU teaches children from high-conflict separated families three kinds of coping skills, developed with input from children about what helped them.

Three kinds of skills

• Distraction: turning to a walk, a game or music
• Reframing: “My parents’ problems are not my fault. I can still have a good day.”
• Relaxing the body: slow breathing, muscle relaxing, or imagining a calm place

Experts are clear: don’t use children as messengers. Parents should communicate directly, or through a neutral third party.

Avoid asking a child to

• Carry messages or money between homes
• Keep secrets from the other parent
• Report on what happens at the other home
• Decide who is right in an argument

Every parent says something unkind in a stressful moment. What can harm a child is a repeated pattern of behaviors that make it harder for them to love and spend time with the other parent.

Examples people describe

• Regularly criticizing or mocking the other parent to the child
• Telling the child the other parent doesn’t love them or left “them”
• Making the child feel guilty or disloyal for enjoying the other home
• Blocking calls, messages or visits without a safety reason
• Asking the child to keep secrets from the other parent
• Leaving the other parent out of school, health or activity information
• Rewarding the child for rejecting the other parent

Researchers describe children losing not only a relationship with a parent, but also time with that side of the family, their community, and the chance to just be a child without adult conflict on their shoulders.

Children may

• Feel torn, guilty or anxious
• Repeat adult words and complaints about a parent
• Struggle to remember good times with that parent
• Lose touch with grandparents, cousins and friends
• Carry confusion about relationships into adulthood

Even when a child seems to reject a parent firmly, they may still have mixed feelings deep down. Children rarely feel only one thing about a parent.

Children can pull away from a parent for many reasons: the normal growing-up wish for independence, a clash of personalities, anger about the divorce, feeling unheard, or harsh, frightening or unsafe behavior from that parent.

The World Health Organization chose not to include “parental alienation” in its international list of health conditions. It notes the term is used mostly in legal settings, that there are no evidence-based health treatments for it, and that there are concerns about its misuse to discredit a parent who raises abuse.

What can help

• Keep showing up with warmth, even if your child is cold
• Avoid criticizing the other parent back, which pulls the child further into the middle
• Listen to your child’s complaints without getting defensive. Some may be fair
• Keep promises small and keep them
• Send short, loving notes or messages that ask nothing in return
• Get support from a family therapist with experience in high-conflict families

A family therapist can help a family understand what’s going on and rebuild healthier ways of relating.

A family mediator is a trained, neutral person who helps parents talk through decisions and reach an agreement. They don’t take sides or decide for you. Many parents find it less stressful and less costly than fighting it out in court.

The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts describes parenting coordination as a process that combines assessment, education, case management, conflict resolution and, sometimes, decision-making. A coordinator is usually appointed by a court order or a private agreement.

A coordinator may

• Help parents follow, adjust and stick to their parenting plan
• Explain children’s needs at different ages
• Refer the family to community services
• Suggest ways to manage conflict
• Teach co-parenting and communication skills

It is meant for high-conflict cases, such as frequent returns to court or when mediation hasn’t worked. It is not for cases where it could put a parent or child’s safety at risk. Any decisions a coordinator makes can be reviewed by the court.

If a plan is set by a court, follow it. If you want to change it, check with a family law professional about the right way to do that.

Rules about parenting coordination, confidentiality and reporting to the court vary from place to place. Some areas have laws or court rules that set them out.

The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts advises choosing a parenting coordinator who hasn’t already worked with your family in another role, like a therapist or custody evaluator. Some areas offer coordinators at low or no cost.

Questions to ask

• Do you have experience with high-conflict families?
• How do you handle safety concerns?
• What do you charge, and are there lower-cost options?
• Will what we say be shared with the court?

Take these seriously

• You feel afraid of the other parent
• Threats to take the children, hurt you, or hurt themselves
• Turning up uninvited, following or tracking you
• Using handovers to shout, threaten or get physical
• Using money, court or the children to control you
• A child saying they are scared, hurt, or asked to keep frightening secrets

The National Domestic Violence Hotline suggests contacting local domestic violence programs, which may help with legal information. They also suggest looking for a lawyer trained in domestic violence, and asking whether a protection order can include custody terms.

Other ideas

• Handovers at a public place, or a supervised exchange center
• Supervised visits, if a court orders them
• Written-only communication
• Keeping a private record of incidents, stored somewhere safe

For children, the Hotline suggests

• Tell them the abuse is not their fault
• Keep routines as steady as possible
• Make an age-appropriate safety plan with them
• Tell them often that you love and support them

You may need to talk about the other parent a lot. That’s normal. Choose a friend, support group or counselor, and make sure your child can’t overhear.

Safe places to vent

• A counselor or therapist
• A journal
• A support group for separated parents
• A trusted friend, out of your child’s hearing

An angry message can light up your whole body: racing heart, hot face, a strong urge to fire back. That’s your stress response. Replying in that moment usually makes things worse.

Try this

1. Put the phone down and take a few slow breaths
2. Ask: does this need a reply? Is it urgent?
3. If it does, answer only the parts about the child
4. Wait until you’re calm, or ask a friend to read it first

A Cleveland Clinic psychologist encourages parents to use time without their children to build their support network, enjoy hobbies and look after themselves.

Ideas

• Exercise, good food and regular sleep
• Getting outdoors
• Hobbies you enjoy
• Seeing friends

It is exhausting to try to change the other parent. Many parents feel some relief when they shift their energy to the things they can control: their words, their home and their calm.

Family therapy helps family members improve communication and resolve conflicts. It can include parents, children, stepfamily members, or just some of these people.

If co-parenting talks regularly turn into arguments, a family therapist can offer an outside view and help you find compromise.

A child or teen therapist gives your child a safe place to talk about feelings they may not want to share with either parent. Ask your child’s pediatrician for a referral.

A family law professional can explain your options about plans, orders and changes. If there is abuse, local domestic violence programs may help with legal information, and a lawyer trained in domestic violence can help.