Teaching respect for adults, others & themselves

Raising Children Network (Australia) suggests speaking and acting the way you’d like your child to speak and act towards you.

Respecting your child doesn’t mean having no rules. It means firm limits, explained calmly, without put-downs.

The AAP says recognising other people’s viewpoints and feelings helps children manage their own emotions, and respecting differences helps everyone feel valued.

Taking a child’s “no” seriously at home shows them their boundaries matter, which makes it easier to stand up for themselves with others later.

The CDC suggests giving full attention, getting on your child’s level, repeating back their words and naming the feelings you notice.

The AAP adds that any time can be chat time: in the car, doing dishes or on a walk. Open-ended questions help children share more.

The AAP says children need to feel trust in you and in themselves. It suggests keeping promises, being supportive, and treating your child as an honest person.

If you can’t keep a promise, explain why and say sorry. That is respect too.

The CDC suggests giving preschoolers a limited number of simple choices, such as what to wear, when to play or what to eat for snack.

The AAP says children feel more in control when they can make or influence decisions that matter to them, suited to their age and your family’s values.

Raising Children Network suggests avoiding sarcasm and put-downs, even when you’re joking, and focusing on the behaviour rather than your child’s character.

A quiet word away from friends or siblings keeps dignity intact and helps the message land.

Raising Children Network suggests a clear family rule such as “We speak respectfully in our family. This means we don’t call people names”, and involving children in talking about the rules.

Rules are less confusing for children when they apply to adults too.

Raising Children Network suggests avoiding comments about your child’s personality or character and saying how the behaviour made you feel instead.

Try saying

• “Can you try that again in a kinder voice?”
• “I want to hear you. I can listen when you talk to me calmly.”
• “That came across as pretty rude. Did you mean it to?”

Raising Children Network suggests giving descriptive praise when your child communicates in a positive way.

Try saying

• “You disagreed with me so calmly. I really listened.”
• “Thank you for asking instead of grabbing.”

Young children are still learning tone and timing. Older kids are sometimes disrespectful without meaning to be. Asking first avoids a fight over a misunderstanding.

Rudeness can also be a sign that a child is tired, hungry, stressed, sad or worried. It’s worth checking in.

Examples

• Greeting visitors and elders in your family’s way
• Helping older relatives, like carrying bags
• Listening when a teacher or coach is talking
• Saying thank you to people who help them
• Using the names or titles your family uses for elders

The AAP suggests thinking about how you yourself respond to people in your life, from the letter carrier to teachers to family elders. Children learn from watching.

The AAP says children can learn that it’s fine to say “no” to anyone, including adults, if they don’t want to be touched or hugged. They can also learn that some secrets (like a surprise party) are safe, but other secrets should always be shared with a trusted adult.

Children who feel in control of their bodies are less likely to be targeted by abusers, and more likely to tell a trusted adult if something does happen.

Help your child practise calm words: “Excuse me, I don’t understand” or “Can I tell you something that’s bothering me?” Role-playing hard conversations ahead of time can help.

Let them know they can always come to you if an adult treats them unfairly or makes them feel unsafe.

The AAP suggests that if a preschooler asks about someone’s skin tone, you might say, “Isn’t it wonderful that we are all so different!” You can even compare skin tones in your own family.

Shushing can teach children that differences are shameful. A calm, simple answer teaches that they are normal.

The AAP suggests talking openly about race, diversity and racism at this age, and pointing out stereotypes in media and books, such as who gets cast as the “bad guys”.

If your child repeats something hurtful, ask first: “How do you feel about that?” or “Why do you think that?”

The AAP encourages parents to notice and correct their own biased thoughts and actions, keep a diverse circle of friends, and expose children to other communities.

It also suggests reminding children that people come from many backgrounds, beliefs and family styles, even within your own family.

Raising Children Network suggests: “It’s okay if you don’t want to kiss Aunty Su. Do you want to give her a high-five instead?”

If a child says they don’t like being tickled or picked up, the Child Mind Institute suggests saying: “I hear you and I won’t do it again.”

Raising Children Network suggests: “Bindi says no thanks to hugs today. If people say no, you need to listen.”

Point out body language too: “It’s only fun if you’re both enjoying it. Didi looks unhappy, so it’s time to stop.”

The AAP suggests teaching the real names of body parts, and who can look at or touch private parts and when, like a doctor checking that they are healthy.

Raising Children Network suggests explaining “good reasons” for touch: “A doctor or nurse might ask to see your body. That’s a good reason, but only if I’m there too.”

Raising Children Network suggests asking your child whether it’s okay to share photos of them online, and respecting their answer. It also suggests being clear about your own boundaries, like privacy in the bathroom.

The Child Mind Institute suggests practising short phrases children can use, and making a list of times to get a grown-up, like rough play or someone who won’t take no for an answer.

The AAP says overprotecting can make children too dependent, while expectations that are too high can leave them feeling powerless. Aim for “just right” challenges.

Age-appropriate chores build confidence and a sense of belonging.

The AAP suggests sharing your own mistakes with your child so they can see you move beyond them.

Try saying

• “I got that wrong. I’ll try again tomorrow.”
• “Everybody makes mistakes. That’s how we learn.”

Raising Children Network notes that when a child doesn’t want to go to a playdate or sleepover, it can be a chance to practise saying no kindly.

Rehearsing what to say helps children feel confident standing up for themselves.

When a calm, reasonable argument sometimes works, children learn that respectful words are more powerful than shouting.

Raising Children Network also suggests involving children in discussions about family rules, and actively listening to them first if you want them to listen to you.

Raising Children Network suggests staying calm, taking a breath, and continuing calmly, and notes that arguing rarely works, because when we get angry we can say things we don’t mean. Agree on a time to talk once you’ve both calmed down.

Try saying

• “I want to hear your side. Let’s both take five minutes and come back.”
• “I can tell this matters to you. Tell me more when we’re both calm.”

The Child Mind Institute suggests letting children see how you handle disagreements, including your mistakes, and talking about how you resolved them.

If parents see things differently, try to back each other up in front of the kids and talk through the difference privately.

1. Wait until you are both calm.
2. Say what you did: “I yelled. That wasn’t okay.”
3. Say what you’ll try next time.
4. Reconnect with a hug or time together.

If one parent is handling a moment, the other can stand beside them and repeat the same message: “Dad asked you to speak kindly.” Disagreements about approach can be talked through later, away from the kids.

Children notice when parents check in with each other before making decisions, and are more likely to do the same.

Raising Children Network suggests that if co-parents can’t agree on rules, you can simply tell your child that you have different rules and explain what’s okay in your home. Children learn quite quickly where different rules apply.

Let other caregivers know the words you use and the things you are working on, like not forcing hugs or using “I” statements. Consistency helps children learn faster.