Understanding children in foster care: behaviour after trauma

For many children, being taken into care becomes another traumatic event. That includes the first separation from home and family, and every move after it.

A child may miss their parents, siblings, pets, school and neighbourhood all at once. Grief can come out as anger, clinginess or silence.

Factors that make a difference

• Age: younger children are more vulnerable, and even babies keep “sense memories”
• Coping skills, health and self-esteem
• How much danger the child felt they were in
• How often hard things happened, and how many kinds
• Relationships with healthy, caring adults, which help children recover
• Sensitivity: every child is different

Childhood trauma can have serious effects, but with supportive, caring adults children can and do recover. The right kind of help can reduce many of the effects of trauma.

A child in “fight” mode is trying to protect themselves. Keep yourself and others safe, lower your voice, give space, and talk about it later once everyone is calm.

What to say

• “I’m right here. You’re safe.”
• “I won’t let you hurt anyone. I’ll help you calm down.”
• “We can talk when your body feels calmer.”

What not to say

• “Stop being so dramatic.”
• “You’re going to be in big trouble.”
• “Why do you always ruin everything?”

Some children run to a bedroom, hide under furniture or leave the house when they feel unsafe. Running away is one of the ways trauma can show up in behaviour.

Agree on a safe calm-down spot at home they can always go to. If a child leaves and you can’t find them, follow your agency’s missing-child steps straight away.

A freeze response or dissociation can be mistaken for ignoring you or defiance. The child may truly not be able to respond in that moment.

Speak softly, use their name, and offer something to hold or a drink of water. See “Shutdown, freezing and going quiet” below.

Something harmless in your home, or something you do or say, may be triggering a child without either of you knowing. Watch for reactions that don’t seem to fit. Until more healing happens, help the child avoid known triggers where you can.

Hiding food can be a way of making sure there will be something later. Getting angry or taking it away can make the fear stronger.

What can help

• A small snack box or basket of their own, refilled every day
• Agreeing on a safe place to keep their snacks, like a lunchbox
• Checking for spoiled food gently, without shaming
• Telling them often when the next meal or snack will be

Eating much more or much less than peers is one of the signs of trauma in school-age children. Regular meals and snacks at set times help a child trust that food will keep coming.

New foods, smells and table rules can feel strange and stressful. Ask the caseworker what foods the child is used to, and offer at least one familiar food at each meal.

What to say

• “In this house there will always be food.”
• “Dinner is at 6. Here’s a snack until then.”
• “You can keep your snack box in your room.”

What not to say

• “You’re being greedy.”
• “No dessert if you don’t finish.”
• “You don’t need that much.”

If adults have left before, a child may push to find out whether you will stay. Calm, consistent limits, and still being there the next morning, slowly build trust.

What to say

• “That’s not okay, and I’m still here.”
• “Even on hard days, you belong here while you live with us.”

Offer attention and comfort in ways the child will accept. Younger children may want extra cuddles. For older children it may just mean spending time together. Follow their lead.

Some children find praise uncomfortable at first. Small, specific comments, like “You worked hard on that,” can feel safer than big ones.

Children who have trouble with the unexpected may try to control every situation or react strongly to change.

Give reasonable, age-appropriate choices, like which cup or which pyjamas. Choices help a child feel some control over their own life.

In some homes, telling the truth may have led to harm. Lying can be a learned way to stay safe. Stay calm, deal with the problem simply, and make honesty feel safe in your home.

What to say

• “You’re not in trouble for telling me.”
• “Let’s figure out how to fix it together.”

Some children who have moved between many adults seem to attach to anyone. Gently teach who is safe to hug and who to ask for help, and keep a close eye in public places.

• Agreeing to everything, never saying no
• Being unusually still or silent when upset
• Not remembering what just happened
• Not showing pain, hunger or tiredness
• Seeming to “go somewhere else” in their head

Things to try

• Name what you see: “You look far away. You’re safe in the kitchen with me.”
• Offer a cold drink, a soft blanket or something with a strong smell, like an orange
• Say their name softly
• Sit nearby without crowding them

Quiet children can be overlooked at home and at school. Make time for one-to-one moments, and tell the caseworker what you notice.

What to say

• “You don’t have to talk. I’ll sit with you.”
• “It’s okay to say no to me.”
• “If you ever feel scared, you can tell me any way you like, even with a drawing.”

• Activity levels much higher or lower than other children
• Clinginess and not wanting to explore
• Delays in physical, language or other milestones
• Frequent tantrums
• Irritability or being hard to calm
• Repeating scary events over and over in play or talk
• Startling easily

• Acting younger, like thumb sucking, bedwetting or fear of the dark
• Changes in school performance
• Difficulty paying attention or moving between activities
• Eating much more or less than peers
• Fighting with peers or adults
• Frequent tears or sadness
• Headaches or stomach aches with no clear cause
• Wanting to be left alone

• Being tired all the time, sleeping much more or less, nightmares
• Fighting or talking back
• Not wanting to spend time with friends
• Risky behaviour, including using alcohol or drugs or running away
• Talking about the trauma constantly, or denying it happened

Teens need privacy, respect and a say in decisions. Treat them as partners where you can.

Ideas that often help

• A night-light, and the door open or closed as they choose
• A predictable bedtime routine, the same every night
• A soft toy, blanket or item from home
• Quiet, calm activities before bed
• Telling them where you will be and that you will check on them

A regular routine for meals, play and bedtime is one of the most helpful things a carer can offer.

Go to them calmly, keep the lights low, and remind them where they are: “You’re at our house. I’m here. You’re safe.” Talk about the dream in the daytime only if they want to.

Bedwetting is one of the “younger” behaviours that can come back after trauma.

What helps

• A waterproof mattress cover from day one
• Letting older children change sheets privately if they want
• Never shaming, teasing or punishing
• Telling the child’s clinical provider if it continues or is new

Headaches and stomach aches with no clear cause are a common sign of trauma in school-age children. Take them seriously, comfort the child, and check with their clinical provider to rule out other causes.

A child flooded with fear can’t learn a lesson. Help them feel safe first, then talk about what happened and what to try next time. Set reasonable, consistent limits, and praise what goes well.

Let children know it’s normal to have many feelings, correct anything untrue they believe, and tell them what happened was not their fault.

What to say

• “Grown-ups make the decisions about where kids live. It’s not because of anything you did.”
• “You can love your family and still live here for now.”

Notice the improvements, however small. A first full night’s sleep, a first laugh at dinner, or a calmer recovery after a meltdown all count.

What not to say

• “After everything we’ve done for you…”
• “If you keep this up, you’ll have to move.”
• “Other kids don’t act like this.”
• “You should be grateful.”

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. It is also for people worried about someone else. Text and chat are available in Spanish.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD), 24/7, with counselors in over 170 languages. It is not a reporting line, but it can help you find your state’s.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries. Your local children’s services can tell you about support for foster carers.