Looking after yourself as a foster parent

Foster parents can feel limited in what they’re allowed to do within the system. Feeling powerless over a child’s future is a major source of stress.

Lack of material resources, or funding that doesn’t cover the child’s services, was identified as a barrier to keeping foster parents.

Parenting a child who has experienced trauma can be difficult. Families can feel isolated, as if no one else understands, and it can strain relationships with partners and other family members.

Grief from placement endings builds up if it isn’t given space.

If you have your own trauma history that isn’t fully healed, learning what a child went through can act as a trigger for you. Pursuing your own healing, separate from the child’s, matters.

Child welfare guidance says the best cure for secondary trauma is prevention: to take good care of your child, you must take good care of yourself.

• Changes in appetite or weight
• Feeling jumpy or on edge
• Headaches or stomach problems
• Lack of energy
• Sleep problems or nightmares

• Anger or irritability
• Anxiety
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling numb or disconnected from loved ones
• Frequent crying or loneliness

• Forgetfulness
• Hard to concentrate or take in information
• Hard to make decisions
• Intrusive images of what the child went through
• Loss of humour or fun

• Avoiding other people
• Drinking or smoking more
• Feeling overly critical of the child or yourself
• Putting things off

Being honest about what to expect from the child and your relationship makes a healthy bond more likely. Progress often looks like two steps forward, one step back.

Take note of improvements the child has made, however small. Writing them down helps on hard days.

A child’s difficulties are a result of the trauma they lived through. They are not a sign that you are failing as a parent.

• A cup of tea outside before the house wakes up
• A short walk after school drop-off
• Music in the car on the way back from a visit
• Prayer, meditation or a quiet moment of reflection
• Texting a friend who makes you laugh

Questions to ask

• “Do you offer planned respite, and how often?”
• “Can a friend or relative become an approved respite carer?”
• “Is there emergency respite if we hit a crisis?”
• “Are there camps or after-school programs for the child?”

Rules differ by state and agency. Ask what checks or training friends would need so they can help regularly.

What to say

• “You’re having a sleepover at Ms. Rosa’s. I’ll pick you up Sunday after lunch.”
• “Grown-ups need rest too, just like you need sleep.”

What not to say

• “I need a break from you.”
• “Maybe you’ll behave better there.”

Do at least one thing that restores you: sleep, time with your partner, a hobby, or simply quiet.

Your agency may connect you with a peer support group led by experienced foster caregivers, or with liaisons who help you find training and answer questions.

Local community groups, faith-based organizations and nonprofits often provide valuable support and relief. Ask what’s available near you.

Online foster parent groups can be a lifeline. Never share a child’s photo, name, story or location. Talk about your own feelings, not their history.

• What felt hard this week?
• What went well?
• What do you need from me?
• What can we say no to?

Children who’ve lived through chaos need predictable adults. Decide together how you’ll handle bedtime, screens and big feelings, and back each other up.

Protect small moments as a couple. Your relationship is part of the foundation the children stand on.

If you foster alone, name two or three people you can call when things get hard, and plan respite before you need it.

What to say

• “We can’t take a teenager right now, but we could manage a younger child.”
• “We need a month to rest after our last placement.”
• “We don’t have the training for those needs yet. Is there a course we could take?”

Agencies are encouraged to check in with families a week or two after a child leaves, to help prevent burnout. Tell them honestly what you need.

Health, family changes or exhaustion are real reasons to stop. Plan a gentle transition for any child in your care with the agency, and be proud of what you gave.

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD). Counselors offer support and can help you find your state’s reporting line.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, any time. It is free and confidential.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. Your fostering service can tell you about local support for carers.