When kids swear or use mean words

Young children often swear because they are exploring language and testing what a new word means. Sometimes it happens by accident while learning to say words.

Other common reasons

• Copying someone else
• Expressing frustration
• Getting a big reaction
• The word sounds funny

Many young children don’t understand that swear words aren’t acceptable.

When school-age children swear, it’s usually to express negative feelings, often after something painful, upsetting or frustrating.

Other common reasons

• Being funny or adding shock value
• Copying others
• Fitting in with a group
• Getting a strong reaction from parents

Children pick up swear words from many places: home, friends, school and media. Not all children learn swearing from their parents.

Media exposure can increase swearing, so it helps to know what your child watches, listens to and plays.

Raising Children Network suggests that if a young child is swearing to get your attention, it’s best to ignore it completely: stay calm, avoid eye contact, laughing, getting angry or saying anything.

Then give lots of positive attention and praise when they use polite language.

If your child was trying to say a new word, gently correct the pronunciation. Avoid giving the word too much attention or laughing, because that can encourage it.

Raising Children Network suggests staying calm, explaining clearly that the word isn’t okay, and that it might hurt other people’s feelings. This goes a long way towards preventing future swearing.

School-age children might not fully understand what a word means, but they do understand that words can hurt or offend.

Toddlers and preschoolers under 4 are too young to understand why swear words aren’t okay for children. It’s enough to say something short.

Try saying

• “That’s not a nice word.”
• “We don’t use that word.”

Preschoolers don’t always understand what swear words mean, but they can understand that these words upset or offend others.

Try saying

• “That word upsets people. We don’t use words that upset people.”
• “Some words are not okay for children to say, even if they hear other people say them.”

If your child seems ready, ask what they think the word means, then explain in general terms why it isn’t okay. For example: “That’s a word for poo. We don’t use that word in our family.”

You can also explain if a word is racist, sexist or disrespectful of particular groups of people.

Raising Children Network suggests reminding older children that they may use different language with different groups of people, but that some words are never acceptable.

It may not be realistic to expect an older child never to swear around friends, but you can help them understand which words are more offensive.

Raising Children Network suggests offering words that aren’t offensive, like “flip” or “shivers”, or funny words you and your child make up together.

Family ideas

• “Fiddlesticks!”
• “Jumping jellybeans!”
• “Oh, crumbs!”
• “Sugar snaps!”

Words to teach

• Annoyed
• Disappointed
• Embarrassed
• Frustrated
• Furious
• Jealous
• Left out
• Worried

Using words to talk about hard feelings, like “I’m so frustrated”, is one of the calming skills Raising Children Network suggests.

Try

• Counting to 10
• Stepping away for a minute
• Taking slow, deep breaths
• Telling someone “I’m so frustrated”

Raising Children Network suggests praising your child when they deal with anger or frustration in a better way, for example walking away from someone using swear words to tease them.

Try saying

• “You were really cross, and you said ‘flip’. Nice choice.”
• “You walked away instead of shouting back. That took strength.”

If you want your child to avoid swearing, you and the other adults in your home need to avoid it too.

If a word slips out, try: “Oops, I was really frustrated and used a word I don’t want to use. Next time I’ll say ‘I’m so annoyed!’” Explaining why you swore can help.

With a family rule in place, a short reminder is enough.

Try saying

• “Please use a more respectful word.”
• “Remember, that’s not a word we use in our home.”

If you’re co-parenting and can’t agree on rules about swearing, just tell your child that you have different rules and which words aren’t okay in your home. Children learn quite quickly where different rules apply.

If your child asks why someone used a swear word, you can explain that different families have different rules.

The AAP suggests that before responding to something your child says about race, you find out where it came from and what it means to them. Questions like “How do you feel about that?” and “Why do you think that?” keep the conversation going.

Raising Children Network suggests explaining to school-age children if a word is racist, sexist or disrespectful of particular groups of people.

StopBullying.gov describes bullying as unwanted, aggressive behaviour that involves a real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated or likely to be repeated. Teasing, name-calling, taunting and threats can be verbal bullying.

At times it might be appropriate to use consequences for rudeness, swearing or name-calling, but Raising Children Network suggests not setting too many.

Praise the times siblings speak kindly to each other, even in small ways.

Praise your child for walking away and not using the same words back.

Practise simple phrases like “Please stop” or “I don’t like that”, and make sure they know when to get a grown-up.

Raising Children Network encourages children to treat online friends with as much respect as face-to-face friends, including speaking respectfully in online games and not creating or forwarding nasty or humiliating messages.

Because it’s hard to read emotion in written messages, it suggests teaching children to “stop, think, review” before they send or post.

The AAP offers a free Family Media Plan tool that helps families set their own rules for screens and media.

Watching or playing together sometimes lets you hear the language your child is around and talk about it.

If your child is swearing to fit in, Raising Children Network suggests talking about why they think their friends swear and other ways to feel accepted, like a different “cool” expression.

Raising Children Network suggests telling children ahead of time what the consequence will be, and not setting too many consequences.

If your child has gone a long time without swearing, tell them how proud you are that they’ve used respectful language.

Praise much more often than you correct.

The AAP says parents should not spank or hit children, and the same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. These methods don’t work well and can harm children’s long-term health.

Harsh responses also show children that big feelings are handled by hurting someone, which is the opposite of what you’re teaching.