Toilet training: readiness, steps & setbacks

The AAP describes readiness signs to look for. The NHS says you don’t have to wait for your child to show signs or ask before you start preparing. Both agree on a calm, child-friendly approach.

A middle path many families use: start the gentle getting-ready steps early, and move to pants when your child shows some interest.

It may take longer for children to notice the need to pee than the need to poo. That’s normal, not a sign that training is failing.

Starting nursery or childcare, moving house or a new baby can all affect progress. The NHS suggests choosing a calm time and keeping routines as steady as you can.

Toilet training often comes up at the 18-month, 2-year, 2½-year and 3-year well-child visits. It’s a great time to ask questions.

Reading books about potties and using dolls or toys to show what happens helps children know what to expect.

The NHS suggests regular nappy-free time of around 30 minutes after your child has done a wee or poo, so they start to notice what their body feels like.

Some families use a potty; others use a child seat on the toilet with a step. With a step, your child’s knees should be higher than their hips, which makes pooing easier.

If poos are hard, dry or look like small pebbles, or your child strains, they may be constipated. The NHS says to get help with this from a doctor or health visitor before stopping nappies.

Pick simple words for pee, poo and body parts and use them calmly and matter-of-factly. Keeping the same steps every time, including wiping and handwashing, helps your child learn the routine.

The AAP suggests keeping the potty in the same place, using the same sequence each time, and having every caregiver use the same approach.

Think about whether your child learns best by talking or by doing, and whether they like adult-set routines or prefer to be in charge. A child who wants control may do better choosing when to try.

If your child finds it hard to sit for long, reading or singing together can help. Keep tries short and relaxed.

Clothes your child can pull down quickly by themselves, like loose pants with elastic waists, make success easier. By 3, many children can put on some clothes, like loose pants, by themselves.

Praise effort whether or not your child manages a wee or poo. Celebrate each success with a hug and praise.

A small tangible reward, like a sticker, can add to praise for some children. Keep rewards small and focused on effort.

The AAP notes that being overly controlling, like constantly asking if your child needs to go, can lead them to resist until an accident happens. Offer at natural times instead.

The AAP suggests clear, reasonable expectations based on your child’s abilities, stated often, and expecting at least an effort every time.

Not so helpful

• “Big kids don’t do that.”
• “Your cousin was trained ages ago.”
• “You did it on purpose.”
• “Yuck, that’s disgusting.”

Try instead

• “Your body is learning. We’ll keep practising.”
• “Wee goes in the potty. Let’s go try.”
• “That’s OK. Accidents happen when we’re learning.”

The NHS suggests staying calm, cleaning up together and moving on. The AAP says there is no cause to criticise or punish a child for accidents.

The AAP suggests a predictable, non-punishing response, like having your child help clean up, and telling them you’re confident they’ll do better next time.

Around age 3, children start to feel shame and may hide wet pants or try to clean up themselves. It actually shows they know what’s expected. Respond calmly and make a plan together.

Offer the toilet before leaving home and when passing a toilet. A small bag with spare pants, clothes and wipes helps you stay calm if an accident happens.

Children learn best when they’re praised for progress, not punished for mistakes. If you feel your temper rising, put your child somewhere safe and step away for a few minutes.

If poos are hard, pebble-like or painful, or your child strains, talk to your child’s doctor or health visitor. Getting constipation treated makes toilet training much easier.

Sitting with knees higher than hips, with a step under the feet, makes it easier to poo.

A children’s hospital suggests “diaper fading.” Your child wears underwear while awake and a nappy only for poos. Little by little, every 2 to 3 days, the poo spot moves closer to the bathroom, then they sit on the toilet wearing the nappy.

After that, a small slit is cut in the nappy and made a bit wider every 2 to 3 days, until it’s no longer needed. Every poo in the bathroom gets praise or a small reward.

Toddlers have vivid imaginations, and some develop fears about the toilet. Listen, name the fear, and look for small solutions together, like flushing after they leave the room or using a potty first.

Call your child’s doctor if your child

• Has blood in their poo
• Has severe tummy pain
• Hasn’t pooed in more than 3 days
• Keeps vomiting

The NHS suggests moving to pants for naps once your child is regularly staying dry when they nap.

Night-time wetting can carry on well after daytime training. About 1 in 6 children still wet the bed at age 5, and bedwetting usually isn’t a concern until 5 or 6.

Bedwetting often runs in families. Children don’t do it on purpose, and it isn’t caused by laziness or bad behaviour.

Things that can set training back

• A change in childcare
• A major illness
• A move
• A new baby or a pregnancy
• A recent death in the family
• Conflict between parents, or a separation
• Constipation or painful poos
• A urinary tract infection

Regression can sometimes signal an infection or another problem that needs treatment. The AAP suggests having your child checked to be sure the cause isn’t physical.

Talk with your child about what has changed and listen to their answers. One-on-one time, familiar objects near the potty and inviting your child’s ideas can all help.

The AAP suggests avoiding big steps back, like returning to nappies full-time, and offering smaller compromises instead, like training pants or a potty in their room.

If regression lasts a month or more, it’s worth asking whether your child was fully ready. A short break can help, though moving forward, however slowly, is usually best.

For children who find the bathroom overwhelming, the NHS suggests ideas like ear defenders, or a mild scent the child likes. Sensory differences has more on this.

If progress is slow, keep offering opportunities to practise and celebrate small wins. Visual routines can help some children, and Parenting an autistic child has more ideas.

The AAP stresses that every caregiver should use the same approach. Share your words, routine and how you handle accidents with everyone who cares for your child.

If your child moves between homes, try to agree on the same words, the same routine and a calm response to accidents. Big family changes, like a separation, can set training back for a while.

If school is coming up and your child still needs help with the toilet, the NHS suggests contacting your health visitor or doctor so you can make a plan together.

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