Every child is different: parenting siblings who need different things

The AAP says hints of temperament show up early. Some children approach new things boldly, others hang back. Some adjust to change quickly, others need time.

Each child joins the family at a different time: different ages of siblings, different stresses, sometimes a different home or a different set of adults. Even the same parent or caregiver is a bit different with a third child than with a first.

Researchers note that brothers and sisters can react differently to what looks like the same experience, and that friends and life outside the home matter too.

A large review of long-term studies found that children with a more intense or “difficult” temperament were more affected by harsh parenting, but they also benefited more from warm, positive parenting.

So the child who seems hardest to parent may also be the one who blossoms most with patience, warmth and a good fit.

For a very active child, the AAP suggests keeping spaces safe, offering plenty of time to move and burn off energy, and using distraction. For a slower-paced child, allow extra time, set realistic deadlines and avoid criticizing their pace.

For slow-to-adapt children, the AAP suggests keeping daily routines predictable, preparing them ahead of changes, and offering several short tries at new things.

What to say

• “In ten minutes we’ll leave the park. I’ll tell you again at five.”
• “Tomorrow is different: Grandma is picking you up. Let’s look at the plan together.”

For a child who hangs back, the AAP suggests introducing new things gradually, talking about them beforehand, and letting the child go at their own pace.

Try saying

• “You can watch for a while first. Join when you’re ready.”

Try not to say

• “Stop being shy.”
• “Your sister isn’t scared, why are you?”

The AAP suggests short, simple instructions, using the child’s name and eye contact, redirecting without anger or shame, and offering breaks and praise.

Intense children laugh loudly and cry loudly. The AAP suggests patience and modeling calmer ways to respond.

Some children naturally see problems first. The AAP suggests easing demands that make a low mood worse and noticing and encouraging positive moments.

For children with irregular rhythms, the AAP suggests keeping steady mealtimes and bedtimes without forcing eating or sleep.

Some children react to the slightest scratchy label or noisy room. The AAP suggests reducing stimulation, planning ahead for busy places and respecting their preferences when you can.

• A quiet corner for a child who gets overwhelmed
• Extra warnings before transitions for a slow-to-adapt child
• Movement breaks during homework for an active child
• Shorter outings for a child who tires of crowds

If one child happily tries new foods and another needs ten tries, both are normal. The AAP suggests realistic deadlines and avoiding criticism of a child’s natural pace.

The public health agency advises parents and caregivers to be open-minded, flexible and responsive to each child’s needs.

For one child, a gentle reminder is enough. Another may need a picture chart, a timer or you standing nearby. Neither child is “better”.

A bold toddler may need firm limits and lots of supervision. A cautious one may need you to model new things first and wait. Both still need warmth and clear, simple words.

Try

• Give each child a bit of time where they lead the play
• Notice each child doing well, out loud
• Offer two choices to a strong-willed child

School-age children notice fairness keenly. Explain why each child gets the support they get. Ask each one what helps them: “What makes mornings easier for you?”

Try

• A checklist for one child, a quick chat for another
• Homework at the table for one, a quiet room for another
• Different chores that suit each child’s strengths

One teen may want to talk everything through, another may open up only in the car. NIMH notes the teen brain is still maturing into the mid-to-late 20s and is highly tuned to friends and social life.

Try

• Agree on limits together where you can
• Respect different needs for privacy and space
• Find the time and place each teen talks best

Try saying

• “When you need help, you get help too.”
• “Fair means everyone gets what they need. Sometimes that looks different.”
• “Your turn for special time is Saturday. What would you like to do?”

Try not to say

• “Stop counting, life isn’t fair.”
• “You’re being selfish.”

A large review found that children who felt less favored than a sibling, and families with big differences in how siblings were treated, had more emotional and behavior difficulties. Some links were stronger when siblings were close in age.

Different support is fine. Different love, warmth or harshness is what to watch for.

Labels can stick and shape how a child sees themselves. The AAP notes that temperament labels are shorthand and never the full picture of a child.

Swap

• “She’s the difficult one” → “She feels things strongly”
• “He’s lazy” → “He takes his time”
• “She’s shy” → “She likes to watch first”

A review of nearly 20,000 people found parents reported favoring daughters, and children who were more agreeable and conscientious tended to get more favored treatment, partly because they clashed less with their parents.

Knowing this can help you notice when the child who is harder to parent is getting less warmth, so you can gently balance things.

Try

• “You kept trying even when it was hard.”
• “You were so patient with the puzzle.”

Try not to say

• “You’re better at this than your brother.”
• “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

The AAP lists feelings like guilt about not being the one who is unwell, jealousy, resentment of extra chores, embarrassment, and worry that they caused the problem or could get it too.

Try saying

• “It’s okay to feel jealous sometimes. I still want time with just you.”
• “Nothing you did caused this.”

The AAP suggests spending individual time with each child, giving siblings honest information they can understand, and watching that they don’t take on unfair responsibilities.

The AAP says to talk with your child’s pediatrician if you notice these changes.

There is rarely one right way. If both approaches are kind and safe, a child can benefit from having more than one style around them.

Try saying (to each other)

• “That worked for you at bedtime. Can you show me?”
• “He listens to you when you’re playful. I’m more matter-of-fact. Let’s use both.”

Triple P suggests agreeing on a plan together, backing each other up, and waiting until the moment has passed to talk calmly about any disagreement.

When a child moves between homes or carers, each adult may see a different side of them. Sharing what works (“she needs a warning before screens go off”) helps the child feel understood everywhere.

• A child seems unhappy, withdrawn or angry most of the time
• Behavior is much harder than other children the same age, or lasts a long time
• A sibling seems to be struggling with the attention another child needs
• You feel stuck, exhausted or worried most days

The CDC says parent training programs have strong evidence for helping with young children’s behavior.

Call or text 1-855-427-2736, or chat online, any time. It is free and staffed by trained people, and is supported by the U.S. Administration for Children and Families.

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