When foster children and your own children live together

Children said they needed to understand how fostering would affect them, both the good parts and the hard parts. Hold a family meeting and let them ask anything.

What to say

• “We’re thinking about fostering. What do you think?”
• “Some things will change. Let’s talk about what worries you.”
• “Your feelings matter to us, before and after.”

What not to say

• “We’ve already decided, so you’ll have to get used to it.”
• “You should be grateful you have a family.”

In two studies, around three in four foster carers said their children reacted positively to fostering. Positive and hard feelings often live side by side.

Younger children may need simple, concrete explanations and more reassurance. Teens may want a bigger say, more privacy and to be treated as part of the team, without being made responsible.

Information and conversation matter throughout fostering, not only at the beginning. Check in with your children before each new placement and regularly while a child lives with you.

Some children, especially younger ones, didn’t want much information. Learning about a foster child’s past abuse or neglect could be very hard for them to process.

Usually helpful to share

• How long they might stay (if known)
• Name, age and what they like
• Things that might upset them, in simple terms
• Where they will sleep and what will change

Usually best kept private

• Details of abuse or neglect
• The child’s case or court information
• Information about the child’s parents

Explain that the new child may be quiet, upset or very busy, and that it is not about your children. Agree on small ways they can welcome the child, like showing them the toy box.

What to say

• “He might not want to play at first. That’s okay. He’s had a big day.”
• “If anything feels strange or worrying, come and tell me.”

Let your child choose a few special belongings to keep in their own space. It is easier to be generous when you know your treasures are safe.

Researchers recommend that foster carers set aside time only for their own children, sometimes with the help of respite care for the foster child.

Small ideas

• A bedtime chat that’s always theirs
• A monthly outing with one parent
• Driving them to an activity, phone away
• Saturday breakfast together

Fostered children sometimes feel carers’ children get special treatment, so balancing time needs care. Give every child some one-on-one time, in ways that fit each child.

What to say

• “It makes sense if you miss having me to yourself.”
• “You can tell me when it feels unfair. I won’t be cross.”

What not to say

• “Don’t be selfish, she’s had a hard life.”
• “You should be glad you’re not in her shoes.”

Even in a small home, each child can have a corner, a shelf or a box that is only theirs. Agency and state rules may decide who can share a bedroom, so ask your caseworker.

Ideas

• Ask before borrowing, every time
• Give each child a box or drawer that others don’t touch
• Keep a few “family” toys and games for everyone
• Replace or repair things that get broken, together

A child who has gone without may take or hide things. Handle it privately and kindly with the foster child, and acknowledge your own child’s upset too.

What to say to your child

• “I’m sorry your game got broken. That’s really frustrating.”
• “I’ll handle it with him. Let’s find somewhere safe for your things.”

Teach the difference between surprises (which are happy and get told soon) and secrets (which feel uncomfortable). Make sure your own children know they will never be in trouble for telling you something worrying.

What to say

• “If anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, even another kid, you can always tell me.”

If a child has a history of sexual abuse or concerning behaviour, guidance says to supervise their play with siblings and other children. Some children cannot be left alone with younger children at all. A family safety plan, made with your caseworker, can help.

Some carers’ children didn’t want to be too involved, because being involved also meant responsibility. Children with behaviour concerns should not be given authority over other children either.

What your child can say

• “She’s living with us for a while.”
• “That’s his private story, so I don’t share it.”
• “He’s part of our family right now.”

What not to share

• Anything about the child’s parents
• Photos of the foster child online
• Why the child is in care

Let your child know they can always talk to you, your partner or your agency worker about what happens at home. Some agencies run groups for sons and daughters of foster carers, which children in research said were a good way to get information.

Ideas

• Baking or cooking together
• Board games with clear rules
• Building, crafts or Lego
• Family walks, bike rides or a park trip
• Movie night with snacks they chose

What to say

• “You don’t have to be best friends. Just be kind.”
• “Would you show him where the games are?”

What not to say

• “You have to share everything with her.”
• “Why can’t you be more like him?”

Stay calm, separate if needed, and hear each child privately. Avoid automatically blaming either the foster child or your own child.

What to say

• “You’re allowed to find this hard. Tell me the worst bit.”
• “You can be annoyed with fostering and still be a kind person.”

What not to say

• “I don’t want to hear complaints.”
• “You have no idea how lucky you are.”

Things to notice

• Changes in sleep, appetite or schoolwork
• Clinginess, or pulling away from you
• More time alone in their room
• Saying “I’m fine” a lot while seeming upset
• Worries about safety or their belongings

If changes last more than a few weeks, talk with your child’s clinical provider, school counselor or your agency worker.

Some families use a weekly “How are things really?” chat, or a notebook your child can write in and leave for you. Agency workers can also give children a chance to share their views.

What to say

• “Jayden is going to live with his grandma next week. How do you feel about that?”
• “It’s okay to feel sad and happy at the same time.”

What not to say

• “It’s no big deal, there’ll be another one.”
• Nothing at all, hoping they won’t notice

Ideas

• A drawing, card or letter for the foster child
• A goodbye meal or small party
• A photo of the children together (if allowed)
• Talking about favourite memories

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD). Counselors offer crisis support, information and referrals, and can help you find your state’s reporting line.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world, including for children and teens. Your fostering agency can tell you about support for carers’ children where you live.