Foster parenting: the hard parts and how to cope

Anger, rejection or testing can be aimed at you, even when you are doing everything right. Child welfare guidance reminds carers that a child’s struggles come from what they have lived through, not from your failure as a parent.

Plans can change after a hearing, a new report or a change of caseworker. You may get a call with little notice, or wait months for news. Expecting this does not make it easy, but it can make it less of a shock.

You can be glad you said yes and still have days you wish you hadn’t. Having hard feelings doesn’t mean you’re a bad foster parent. It means you are human and carrying a lot.

Kind things to tell yourself

• “A hard day is not a failed placement.”
• “I can love this child and still need a break.”
• “I don’t have to fix everything today.”

Friends and family may say “I could never do that” or “Why don’t you just send them back?” Other foster parents understand in a way many friends can’t. A foster parent support group can be a lifeline.

Things worth writing down (with dates)

• Behaviour changes, sleep and eating
• Calls, emails and what you were told
• Injuries, how they happened and who you told
• Medical, school and therapy appointments
• Visits with family and how the child seemed afterwards

Group your questions in one message rather than many. Ask who to call after hours, and who to contact if your caseworker is away.

What to say

• “What is the plan for the next three months?”
• “Can you help me set up a therapy assessment for her?”
• “Who should I call if there’s a problem this weekend?”

Share a short summary of the child’s routines, needs and progress with each new caseworker. It helps them get up to speed quickly and keeps the child’s story from being lost.

Say what you’ve seen, not what you assume. If you can’t resolve it with the caseworker, ask how to raise it with their supervisor, and whether your agency has a foster parent liaison or advocate.

What to say

• “I’ve noticed he struggles for two days after visits. Can we talk about what might help?”
• “I’d like to understand the reasons for this decision.”

What not to say

• “You obviously don’t care about this child.”
• “I’m not doing that, it’s ridiculous.”

A guardian ad litem (GAL) is appointed by the court to look out for the child’s best interests. A court-appointed special advocate (CASA) is a trained volunteer who represents the child’s best interests and needs. State laws decide who represents the child.

Every child in foster care must have a permanency hearing within 12 months of entering care, and at least once a year after that while they remain in care.

Court dates are often postponed. Try to plan the child’s day so a delay doesn’t throw everything off.

What to include

• Health, therapy and school updates
• How the child is doing day to day
• Strengths and progress, not only problems
• What seems to help the child

What to say

• “Since March, she has started sleeping through the night.”
• “He is proud of reading his first chapter book.”

What not to say

• Opinions about the parents’ character
• Rumours, or things you can’t back up

Plan something calming afterwards, for you and the child. If a decision is hard to hear, you don’t have to react in the room. Talk it through later with your support person or caseworker.

You can’t control the outcome, but you can control how the child is cared for today. Routines, meals together and bedtime stories are never wasted, even if the child moves on.

Book the holiday, plan the birthday, sign up for the team. If things change, the child still had something to look forward to. Waiting for certainty before living can make everyone feel stuck.

What to say

• “I don’t know yet. When I find out, I’ll tell you.”
• “Grown-ups are working hard to make a safe plan for you.”
• “While you’re here, I’ll take care of you.”

What not to say

• “You’ll definitely be going home soon.”
• “You’re never going back there.”
• Promises you can’t keep

Some foster parents hope to adopt. Others worry about a child going home. Both are understandable. Talk about these feelings with a counselor or a support group, not in front of the child.

A child who has been hurt may misread an ordinary action, or remember past harm in a new setting. Sometimes others raise concerns after seeing an injury or hearing something out of context. Rarely, harm really has happened, which is why every concern is looked into.

Child welfare guidance suggests family guidelines for safety and privacy. They make home more comfortable for children who have been hurt, and may also reduce your vulnerability to allegations.

Examples

• Ask before hugs, and respect each person’s comfort with touch
• Be careful with tickling and play fighting
• Keep adult intimacy private
• Knock before entering bedrooms and bathrooms

Note injuries, falls, big incidents and anything a child tells you, with the date and who you informed. Tell your caseworker promptly about anything significant, rather than waiting.

Good practice says foster families should be treated fairly and honestly, told in writing about the concerns and the process as soon as allowed, kept informed, and given ongoing support and information about independent advice. Investigations should be finished as quickly as possible.

Steps that help

• Ask for the process and timelines in writing
• Ask how payments and placements are affected
• Ask whether independent advice or legal help is available
• Keep caring for the child kindly if they stay with you
• Lean on a support person you trust

What not to do

• Confront or question the child about what they said
• Post about it on social media
• Try to handle it alone

Losses foster parents describe

• A child going home or moving to another family
• A hoped-for adoption that doesn’t happen
• A placement ending early because needs were too high
• Losing touch with a child you loved
• The family life you had before fostering

Grief that others don’t recognise is sometimes called disenfranchised grief. It can feel lonely. Your grief is real because your love was real.

What helps others to say

• “I know you loved him. I’m so sorry.”
• “Do you want to tell me about her?”

What not to say

• “Well, you signed up for this.”
• “At least you’ll get another one.”

Saying yes to a new child straight away can bury grief rather than ease it. Ask your agency about taking a short break if you need one.

Signs of secondary trauma can include

• Avoiding other people
• Drinking or smoking more
• Feeling anxious, irritable or lonely
• Forgetfulness or trouble concentrating
• Headaches, stomach problems or sleep problems
• Losing your sense of humour or fun

Ideas from child welfare guidance

• Be honest about your expectations
• Celebrate small victories
• Don’t take the child’s struggles personally
• Make time for things you enjoy
• Seek support from friends, family, groups or a professional
• Work on your own healing if you have a trauma history

In the same UK study, foster carers most often said time with others helped their wellbeing. Their unmet needs included time off, respite and professional and therapeutic support.

Agree on a few key house rules together, and back each other up in front of the child. Disagree in private. A short weekly check-in, even 15 minutes, can stop small resentments from growing.

What to say to each other

• “What was the hardest moment for you this week?”
• “What do you need from me tomorrow?”

Children of foster carers often say their parents had too little time for them. Researchers recommend carers set aside protected time for their own children.

Some relatives may treat a foster child differently from other children. Calmly explain what the child needs, such as being included in gifts and photos, and what you can’t share about their story.

What to say

• “She’s part of our family while she’s with us. Please include her.”
• “His story is private, but here’s how you can help.”

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD). Counselors offer crisis support, information and referrals, and can help you find your state’s reporting line.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org. It is free and confidential, any time.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. Your local children’s services or fostering agency can tell you about support for foster carers where you live.