Hitting, biting & hurting others (young kids)

Babies explore with their senses: mouthing, grabbing, shaking, dropping and swatting. They don’t mean to hurt anyone. A baby who is frustrated may kick and wave their arms because their body is their only way to show it.

This is when hitting, kicking and biting usually peak. Toddlers have strong feelings but limited words, self-control and understanding of how others feel.

Children don’t understand family rules until someone teaches them, and until about age 3 they don’t really understand punishment. Calm, clear limits work better.

Between 24 and 36 months, emotions often outweigh thinking skills. A child can know “no hitting” and still hit when upset. Toddlers are also starting to see themselves as separate people and want independence.

Children who are intense “big reactors” tend to have a harder time managing emotions than easygoing children, and rely more on actions to show strong feelings.

• Curiosity about cause and effect: “What happens if I bite?”
• Needing more active play to burn off energy
• Not having words for excitement, anger, tiredness or frustration
• Teething, or a need for something to chew on

Tiredness and hunger often set off outbursts. Timely naps and meals prevent many of them. Transitions and being interrupted are common triggers too.

Changes like a new baby, a move, a new room at child care or the loss of a pet can make a child feel less secure.

Pair a few calm, firm words with a gesture. Expect to repeat this many times before words alone work.

Pediatricians suggest skipping threats. Briefly ignore small misbehaviour, and teach the behaviour you want instead.

Set up a calm, safe space with pillows, books and soft toys, and let your child help make it. Present it as a place to feel better, and notice when they settle.

Short time-outs are okay for preschoolers, but pediatricians suggest using them sparingly. A common rule of thumb is about one minute per year of age.

For a very upset child, try something surprising, like inviting them into a game or offering a big hug. Redirecting to another activity can help, without bribing.

Give advance notice before changes and offer a limited choice. If your child tends to bite when someone gets close or takes a toy, step in early and help them protect their space.

Wash the bite with soap and water for 5 minutes, then rinse under running water for a few minutes. Press with a clean cloth if it bleeds, and a cold pack can ease swelling.

Call your child’s doctor if…

• A human bite breaks the skin
• It’s a puncture on the hand or face
• You see redness, red streaks, pus, or fever
• Your child looks or acts very sick

Being bitten is common at daycare and is part of toddler development, but it’s still a safety concern. Ask the provider what happened and what they are doing about it.

Comfort your child and let them talk or play about it. Avoid labelling the other child, who is learning too.

Teach children to express feelings with words instead of kicking, hitting or biting. Name feelings often in calm moments, and practise using them.

Simple words to practise

• “Back up, please.”
• “I’m mad!”
• “Help, please.”
• “My turn next.”
• “Stop. I don’t like that.”

Offer acceptable outlets for big energy: stomping, jumping, pushing into couch cushions, tearing paper or drawing an angry picture. Practise these when your child is calm so they’re ready when needed.

For biting, a teething toy or something safe to chew can help a child who needs to bite.

Show your child how to say no firmly, turn away, or find a compromise. Teach them to tell a friend to back up, and to get an adult if the friend doesn’t stop.

Timers, or having more than one of the most popular toy, can make sharing easier.

Give praise and affection when your child is kind and gentle. Be specific, and praise self-control, like stomping instead of hitting.

In calm times, use age-right books or videos about biting and gentle hands. Pretend play, with dolls or stuffed animals acting out what to do when they feel mad, is another way to practise.

Pediatricians recommend modelling nonviolence, and teaching toddlers not to hit or bite by not spanking. Children learn far more from what we do than what we say.

A review of five decades of research found spanking was not linked to children doing what they were asked, either right away or later, and was linked to more aggression and defiance.

Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It still uses clear limits. Consistent, predictable rules help children learn, while mixed responses can encourage the behaviour.

Ask the provider to use the same strategies you use at home. If your child has been sent home, plan a gradual return together.

Stay in close touch with teachers and caregivers so you can follow how things are going.

Aggressive behaviour is a typical part of early childhood, and biting does not mean a parent has failed. Looking for information is a sign of good parenting.

Pediatricians suggest not feeling guilty or apologising when you set a limit. If a child senses mixed feelings, they may decide they were right and the parent is the “bad” one.

Being consistent helps children learn. Responding one way one day and another way the next can encourage the behaviour.

Agree together on your words and steps, and share them with grandparents, sitters and other carers.

Breathe deeply, and take a short break yourself if you need to. If you express anger in quiet, calm ways, your child is likely to follow your example.