Long-distance co-parenting: staying close across the miles

Children may feel sad before and after visits, angry at the parent who moved, worried about the parent at home, or guilty for having fun in one place. These feelings are normal.

Reassure children that the divorce and the distance are not their fault, and tell them how happy you are about your time together.

One study of college students with divorced parents found that those whose parent had moved away did worse, on average, on most of the measures studied than those whose parents had not moved.

This doesn’t mean your child will struggle. It means distance is a real stress, and the steady effort you put into staying close is worth it.

Family court and mental health experts note that children do best when both parents have stable, meaningful involvement in their lives, and that each parent has something valuable to give.

Ask yourself

• How old is my child, and how long can they go between visits comfortably?
• How will my child keep friends, school and activities?
• How will travel work, and who will pay?
• What will my child lose, and what might they gain?
• Will grandparents and other family still be part of their life?

Distance between homes, workplaces and schools is one of the things experts suggest weighing when planning how a child’s time will be shared.

Raise a possible move as early as you can, before it is decided. Come with ideas for how the other parent will stay close, not only the news.

A parenting plan should be revisited whenever a big event, such as a parent moving, happens.

Agree with the other parent, if possible, on what you will say and when. Keep it short and age-appropriate. Tell your child what will stay the same and how they will see and talk to each parent.

Example words

1. “Mom is moving to Denver for her new job. That’s a long way, and we know that feels big.”
2. “You’ll still talk to her every Monday and Thursday on video, and you’ll stay with her for part of every school break.”
3. “This was a grown-up decision. It’s not because of anything you did. You can ask us anything, any time.”

Things to agree

• Days and times for calls or video chats
• How long calls usually last
• What happens if a call is missed
• Whether your child can call the other parent any time
• Who sets up the call on the child’s end

Plan travel ahead: who pays, how often visits happen, and pick-up and drop-off times. Being on time shows your child they can rely on you.

Also decide

• What happens if travel is canceled
• Where handovers happen, such as an airport or halfway point
• Whether the long-distance parent can visit in your child’s town
• Who travels with a young child

Alternating holidays each year can disrupt traditions. One option is giving each parent the same occasions every year, and spelling out how long children stay at each home.

For more ideas, see “Holidays, birthdays & schedules across two homes”.

Review and update the plan over time, and talk through each person’s ideas for changes. Counseling, co-parent education and co-parenting websites can help.

Babies bond through steady, one-on-one care. During visits, the long-distance parent can do all the caring: feeding, bathing, soothing and play. Keep basics like diapers, bottles and a favorite toy in both homes.

Video calls let a baby see and hear the parent who is away. Give gifts in person, because babies can’t link a mailed gift to the person who sent it.

Family court and mental health experts note that babies have a very limited ability to remember an absent parent, and that long separations from a main caregiver should be avoided.

Toddlers need regular contact with both parents. Phone calls alone are less helpful than video, because toddlers are still learning to match a voice to a face.

Ideas from a family extension guide

• A get-well package with comfort items when they are sick
• A recorded bedtime story, sent with the book
• Books with your child’s name on a character

Children this age don’t have an adult sense of time. Daily calls at a regular hour and a photo of the parent who is away can be reassuring.

Children this age can handle longer gaps, but the gaps shouldn’t grow too long. Reassure them often that the distance is not their fault.

Ideas to try

• A baking kit with your favorite recipe
• A hidden-treat hunt with written clues
• Online games played together
• Personal letters or postcards
• Special deliveries with a note for big days

Teens have busy schedules and close friendships, so the long-distance parent may need to be more flexible about visits. Wanting more time with friends is a normal part of growing up, not a rejection.

Stay up to date on school, sports and friends. Care packages, gifts for big events and online games can keep you connected.

Keep your promises about calls and visits. Children notice when a parent shows up, and when they don’t.

Ten focused minutes, on time, every time, often means more to a child than an hour-long call that happens now and then.

Ideas to try

• Cook the same simple recipe at the same time
• Do homework side by side
• Have them give you a tour of a new drawing or Lego build
• Play an online game together
• Read a chapter of the same book
• Watch the same show and talk about it

Example

1. Instead of: “How was school? What did you learn? Who did you sit with? Why don’t you call me more?”
2. Try: “Show me what you’re building!” or “Tell me one funny thing from today.”

If your child doesn’t want to talk today, keep it short and warm: “That’s OK. I love you. Talk Thursday.”

School-age children should have the chance, and the privacy, to call the other parent.

A University of Missouri Extension guide reminds long-distance parents to keep their parental authority rather than acting mainly as a playmate. Children need structure as well as love and fun.

Everyday things to share

• Bedtime routines
• Chores in your home
• Cooking meals together
• Grocery runs and errands
• Quiet time doing nothing much

Even a drawer, a shelf or a toothbrush that stays at your place tells your child they belong there, not just visit. Keep favorite toys and basics in both homes.

Let children carry important items, like clothes, toys and comfort blankets, between homes, no matter who bought them.

Plan some downtime for children after travel and before school starts again, to avoid extra stress.

Some children are clingy, quiet or cranky after a long visit. This usually reflects the big change, not a problem in either home. For more on switch days, see “Switching houses: handovers & helping kids settle”.

If you can, visit your child where they live sometimes. Seeing a game, a school play or their bedroom helps you picture their days, and lets them show off their world.

Regular attendance at a child’s games, performances and school events is one way parents stay involved in what matters to them.

Ways to stay connected

• Ask the school to add you to emails and report cards
• Help with homework over video
• Join parent-teacher meetings by phone or video
• Know dates for tests, shows and trips

Know your child’s doctor and dentist, any allergies or health needs, and how to reach them if your child is sick while visiting you. A shared notes space between homes helps.

Present decisions as shared ones: suggest options and ask for input, rather than announcing final choices.

Ideas to try

• A care package before exams
• A postcard from your town
• A recorded message for a big game
• Photos of things that made you think of them

Ways to help

• Help your child make a card or small gift for the other parent
• Keep a calendar showing when the next visit is
• Keep a photo of the other parent in your child’s room
• Send photos, report cards and drawings
• Set up calls on time, and charge the device

Children need to feel free to love both parents, and to spend time with the other parent without feeling guilty.

Example

1. Instead of: “Well, your dad chose to move away.”
2. Try: “Dad lives far away now, and he loves you just as much. Let’s show him your drawing on Thursday.”

Even if the other parent is not involved, keep following the parenting plan and encouraging contact. A parent who has been absent may want to come back later.

Be honest with your child without oversharing or inventing reasons. Reassure them that they still have a parent who won’t leave them, listen, and give extra attention during changes.

Try to focus on enjoying your time with your children rather than dwelling on missing them when they are with the other parent.

A new partner in either home can make long-distance parenting harder, and can leave the parent who is away feeling jealous, replaced or unimportant.

You may carry most of the daily routines, homework and hard nights. It is OK to feel worn out, or even resentful at times. Build in support for yourself.

Keep adult communication friendly and sensitive, even when separation brings harsh words.

Show empathy, listen, and repeat back what your child says so they know you understand. Give extra attention during changes between homes.

Example

1. Your child says: “I hate that you live so far away.”
2. Instead of: “Don’t say that, you’re making me feel bad.”
3. Try: “I hate it sometimes too. It’s OK to feel sad and mad about it. I’m always here, and I’ll see you in 12 days.”

Many family courts have self-help centers with free information about parenting plans and moves. A family law professional or mediator can help you agree on a plan or change one.

If your child has a hard time over weeks, not days, ask their doctor for a referral to a counselor. If you are struggling to adjust, counseling or a support group can help, because a steadier parent can better help their child.

The National Parent & Youth Helpline offers free, confidential emotional support for parents and caregivers, 24 hours a day. Call 1-855-427-2736, or text or chat through its website.