Dads & partners during pregnancy: feelings, support & getting ready

It is common to swing between pride and panic: about money, about the birth, about whether you’ll be a good parent. Feelings like these don’t mean anything is wrong. Talking them through with your partner or a friend often makes them lighter.

Common worries

• “Can we afford this?”
• “What if something goes wrong at the birth?”
• “Will I know what to do with a baby?”
• “Will our relationship change?”
• “Will I be like my own parent?”

It is easy to feel your involvement doesn’t matter, but it does. Going to appointments, learning about the birth and helping plan for the baby are ways to feel part of it, long before the baby arrives.

If the pregnancy wasn’t planned, you might need time to adjust to the idea. An unplanned pregnancy is one of the things linked to a higher chance of depression in dads, so it’s worth being honest with yourself, and someone you trust, about how you feel.

Partners often feel they have to stay strong and hide their own grief or worry. You are allowed to feel nervous, and to ask for support too. The guide Miscarriage & pregnancy loss has more on grieving as a partner.

Partners come in many forms: married or not, living together or apart, in same-sex couples, or co-parenting as friends. Whatever your situation, the same things help: getting informed, getting involved and looking after your own mind.

Signs to notice

• Distancing or pulling away from family and friends
• Feeling frustrated, discouraged or cynical
• Feeling sad, hopeless or overwhelmed
• Losing interest in work or things you used to enjoy
• Low energy, tiredness or trouble concentrating
• Snapping or seeming “crabby” more than usual
• Working long hours to avoid home

Studies of expectant fathers have found anxiety conditions in roughly 4 to 16 in every 100 during pregnancy. If worry about the birth, the baby’s health or money is keeping you up at night or making it hard to work, you deserve support.

Things linked to higher risk

• A history of depression
• A partner who is depressed or struggling
• An unplanned pregnancy
• Feeling left out or under pressure to provide
• Money strain or little support around you
• Strain in your relationship

Depression in fathers and mothers is linked: when one parent struggles, the other is more likely to as well. Getting help early is good for everyone.

For much more on depression and anxiety in dads, see the guide Dads’ mental health, and Hidden depression in men.

Ask your partner which appointments they’d like you at, and put them in your calendar early. Bring a short list of questions so nothing important is forgotten.

Questions you could ask

• “How can I help at home right now?”
• “What signs should make us call you straight away?”
• “What happens on the day of the birth?”
• “Where can I find classes for partners?”

The more you know about labour and birth, the more support you can give. Birthing and breastfeeding classes are a good place to start, and many welcome partners.

Partners can take an active role in touring the hospital or birth centre and choosing a pediatrician. It helps the day itself feel less unfamiliar.

Read the birth plan and help write it if you can. Plans often change at the last minute, so talk about what matters most and what to do if things change.

Now is a great time to quit. Smoke and vapour around a baby are risky after birth too, even outside, so stopping now protects them for longer.

Cutting down or stopping while your partner is pregnant shows support. It can also help your sleep and mood, and means you’re ready to drive to the hospital at any time.

Gentle exercise like walking or swimming is generally safe and good for a pregnant partner and the baby. A daily walk together is also a calm time to talk.

Easy ways to help

• Batch-cook and freeze meals for the last weeks and first weeks
• Keep healthy snacks and water within reach
• Take over more of the cooking if your partner feels sick or tired

Things you could say

• “How are you feeling today, really?”
• “What would help most this week?”
• “You don’t have to have it all figured out. Neither do I.”
• “I’m in this with you.”

Try not to say

• “Everyone gets through it.”
• “You’re just hormonal.”
• “At least it’s not as bad as…”

If your partner seems very low, anxious or unlike themselves for more than two weeks, gently encourage them to tell their midwife or doctor. The guide Pregnancy & mental health before birth explains what to look for.

Get care straight away for

• Bleeding or fluid leaking during pregnancy
• Changes in vision
• Chest pain or a fast-beating heart
• Dizziness or fainting
• Extreme swelling of the hands or face
• Fever of 100.4°F or higher
• Headache that won’t go away or gets worse
• Overwhelming tiredness
• Severe belly pain that doesn’t go away
• Severe nausea and throwing up
• Severe swelling, redness or pain in a leg or arm
• The baby’s movements slowing or stopping
• Thoughts about harming themselves or the baby
• Trouble breathing

Ideas

• Do the heavy lifting: shopping, laundry baskets, moving furniture
• Keep a shared list of baby jobs and take ownership of some
• Look into leave, benefits and the budget
• Pack the hospital bag together

The guide The mental load explains why owning tasks, not just helping, makes such a difference.

From the third trimester, reading and singing are a nice way to start. If it feels like a chore, it’s fine to skip it. Staying relaxed matters more than any routine.

Ideas

• Pick a short book to read most nights
• Say goodnight to the baby
• Sing the same song often
• Tell the baby about your day

Resting a hand on the bump while you talk together can become a calm daily moment for all three of you. Always ask first; your partner’s body is still theirs.

Some partners find it helps to think about what they want to carry on from their own childhood, and what they want to do differently. The guide Dads’ mental health has a section on being the dad you didn’t have.

In the U.S., the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) gives eligible workers up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave for a birth and caring for a newborn within the first year. To qualify, you usually need to have worked for your employer for at least 12 months and 1,250 hours, at a site with 50 or more employees nearby.

Some states and employers offer paid leave too, so ask HR. Many fathers take very little: in one survey, the median was one week.

Outside the U.S., parental leave rules differ by country, so check your government’s official website.

Things to look into

• Benefits and childcare costs
• Health insurance: adding the baby after birth
• Leave for both parents and when it starts
• A simple budget for the first months

Taking shifts with changes, feeds (if bottle-feeding) and settling can give each of you a longer stretch of sleep. Even a few extra hours in bed help parents cope.

It also helps to agree on a safe sleep routine you will both follow. The guide Baby sleep in the first year: what’s normal covers the basics.

Specific asks work best

• “Could you bring a meal in the first week?”
• “Could you walk the dog while we’re in hospital?”
• “Could you hold the baby for an hour so we can nap?”

Ways to help

• Help with breathing, or focusing on a spot or a scan picture
• Help them move, change position or lean on you
• Keep them hydrated with drinks and snacks
• Keep encouraging them, but accept it if they ask you to stop talking

Phrases that can help

• “Can you explain what’s happening and why?”
• “Can we have a moment to talk before deciding?”
• “Their birth plan says…”
• “They’re in a lot of pain. Can someone check on them?”

Keep your own energy up with food and water, and take short breaks when you can. A tired, hungry partner can’t give as much support.

An emergency, a C-section or a baby who needs special care can be scary to watch. Partners can feel helpless and shaken afterwards. Talking about it helps, and support is there. See Hard or frightening births.

Questions to talk through

• How will we share night wakings and feeds?
• Who will take leave, and for how long?
• What did our own parents do that we want to keep, or change?
• What will we each need to feel okay?

The guide Parenting as a team: getting on the same page has more ways to agree on the big things.

Ideas

• A short walk together most days
• A regular evening with phones away
• A “how are we doing?” chat once a week

A simple repair

1. Take a break if things are heating up
2. Come back when you’re both calm
3. Say what you felt, without blaming
4. Agree one small next step

If arguments feel frightening, or you feel controlled or unsafe, that is different from normal disagreement. Reach out to a doctor or a domestic violence helpline for confidential support.

Call 1-800-944-4773 (press 2 for English, 1 for Spanish), or text 800-944-4773 in English. Leave a confidential message and a trained volunteer will get back to you. Postpartum Support International also runs online groups for dads. It is not a crisis line.

Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). It is free, confidential and open 24/7 in English and Spanish, with interpreters in other languages. Loved ones, including partners, can reach out too.

If you’re thinking about suicide or harming yourself, call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). If a life is in danger, call 911.

Outside the U.S.? Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.