One-on-one time with each child

When attention comes regularly and warmly, children have less reason to seek it through whining or acting up. The Child Mind Institute links daily check-in time with your full attention to better behavior.

The CDC notes that practicing praise, copying, describing and listening during special playtime makes them easier to use in everyday life, including when things get tense.

Children change fast. Regular time where they lead shows you what they love, worry about and are proud of this month, not last year.

For more on listening first, see “Getting into your child’s world: understand before you advise.”

In a 2019 study of over 6,000 adults, people who recalled positive childhood experiences, like being able to talk to family about feelings and feeling family stood by them, had much better adult mental health, even when they also faced hard experiences.

The CDC says to let your child make the decisions during special playtime. If they want the dinosaur to eat the castle, the dinosaur eats the castle.

Describing your child’s play shows you are paying attention, the CDC says.

Try saying

• “You’re building the tower really tall.”
• “You picked the green crayon for the grass.”
• “You’re making the car go up the ramp.”

Imitating your child’s play tells them their ideas are worth following. The CDC suggests having two of a toy so you can copy along.

Specific praise tells your child what to do again. The CDC suggests adding a hug or high-five.

Try saying

• “Thank you for sharing the blocks with me.”
• “You kept trying until it fit. That took patience.”
• “You were so gentle with the baby doll.”

Repeating your child’s words, and naming feelings you notice, shows you are really listening, the CDC says.

Try saying

• Child: “It fell down!” You: “It fell down. That’s frustrating.”
• Child: “Look, a rocket!” You: “A rocket! You look proud.”

The CDC suggests bringing the kind of excitement a child shows over a favorite new toy. Smiles, laughs and a warm voice all count.

Instead of

• “What are you making?”
• “Why did you do that?”
• “Don’t you want to use the blue one?”

Try

• “I wonder what this will be.”
• “You put the blue one on top.”
• “You’re making something big.”

Instead of

• “Put the red block there.”
• “Draw a house now.”
• “Use the pink crayon.”

Try

• “I’m going to use the pink crayon too.”
• “I’ll build next to you.”

A county family services guide advises not correcting or teaching during this time. The sky can be purple and the horse can fly.

The CDC notes words like “no,” “don’t” and “stop” are fine at other times. During special time, try to leave them out.

The CDC suggests ignoring small problems like whining during special playtime. If your child does something dangerous or destructive, stop it right away and end or pause the time calmly.

For more on using your attention wisely, see “Consequences & rewards that actually work.”

When you answer a baby’s babbles, looks and cries with words, smiles or a cuddle, it helps build connections in their brain. Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child calls this “serve and return.”

Try

• Copying their faces and sounds
• Looking at picture books together
• Singing songs or rhymes
• Stacking cups or blocks

The CDC suggests creative toys that don’t “play themselves,” like blocks, crayons and paper, matched to your child’s skill level.

Try

• Dancing or singing to music
• Drawing with crayons
• Playing pretend: shop, doctor, picnic
• Playdough or building blocks
• Reading a book they choose

The CDC encourages talking with children this age about school, friends, accomplishments and what they look forward to.

Try

• A board game or card game they pick
• Baking or cooking something together
• Building, crafting or a small project
• Shooting hoops or kicking a ball
• Taking turns reading to each other

The CDC suggests spending time with your teen doing things you both enjoy, and listening without playing down their concerns.

Try

• Cooking a favorite meal together
• Exercising to their favorite music
• Talking about what they like: sports, music, friends

Many teens talk more easily when they don’t have to make eye contact. A drive, a walk with the dog or making dinner together can open up conversations naturally.

The CDC suggests showing interest in your teen’s activities and respecting their opinions. Ask them to teach you their game, play you their music or explain a show.

Choosing builds a teen’s confidence. Offer a few options and accept that sometimes the answer is “not tonight.” Keep offering anyway.

The CDC suggests listening to your teen without playing down their concerns. Save corrections and big talks for another time, so one-on-one time stays something they look forward to.

Try a visible calendar: Monday is Ava’s, Tuesday is Leo’s, and so on. Kids worry less about “fair” when they can see their turn coming.

Staggered bedtimes, a younger child’s nap or one child’s practice can create a window for another. The CDC notes bedtime reading and cuddles also count as one-on-one time.

For a longer outing, a partner, friend or relative can watch the other children so it’s just the two of you, the county guide suggests.

Once a week or month, as you’re able, plan a small adventure with one child, like a trip to the library, a park or breakfast out.

A child who is unwell, new to the family or going through a hard time may need more. Keep small, protected moments for the others, too. See “Every child is different: parenting siblings who need different things.”

The CDC notes that one-on-one moments like bedtime reading or cuddling also help. Putting your phone away for the drive home can turn it into connection time.

Special time doesn’t have to be in the evening. Breakfast together, a morning cuddle or a weekend ritual all work. What matters is that your child can count on it.

If you don’t live with your child every day, a regular video call where they lead, reading a story over the phone or a shared game can keep the thread going. See “Healthy co-parenting” and “Being a connected dad at every age.”

Lying on the floor while your child builds around you, watching them draw, or a quiet book together all count. If you often feel too drained, see “Parent burnout.”

Follow, describe and copy. Your child does the inventing. Your job is to notice and enjoy, the CDC suggests.

A two-minute warning and a timer help with the ending. Say when the next special time is: “All done for today. Tomorrow after dinner we’ll play again.”

When you stop giving attention to small misbehavior, it can get worse for a while before it improves, the Child Mind Institute notes. Keep going calmly.

Older kids may roll their eyes. Keep offering without pressure: “I’m making cocoa, want some?” Showing up again and again tells them you’re available.

If you snap during the day, the Child Mind Institute suggests apologizing and resetting. Special time can be a gentle way to reconnect afterward.

A monthly lunch with a grandparent, a weekly call with an uncle or a craft afternoon with a family friend all give your child another caring adult who knows them well.

The CDC encourages children to join school and community groups, like sports, music or volunteering. These also connect them with caring adults.

Enjoying community traditions was another of the positive childhood experiences in the 2019 study. Faith groups, cultural centers and neighborhood events can offer this.

Call or text 1-855-427-2736, or chat online, 24/7, in English, Spanish and many other languages.

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, if you or your child are struggling.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) is a free directory of helplines in more than 175 countries, by phone, text or chat.