New dads & partners after birth: bonding, sleep & mental health

Feeling left out is one of the things linked to depression in new dads. The best remedy is to get hands-on: holding, changing, bathing and soothing your baby are all ways to become a confident parent.

Pressure to provide is a known strain for new dads. If you can, use any leave you have. Time off in the first weeks or months can help lay a foundation for your baby’s health and development.

In the U.S., the FMLA gives eligible workers up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave to care for a newborn within the first year. It can sometimes be taken in blocks or on a reduced schedule if your employer agrees.

New fathers undergo hormonal changes too, along with weeks of broken sleep. That can affect mood and energy. It is one more reason to take your own feelings seriously.

Strain in the relationship is linked to depression in new parents. A few minutes each day to check in, and a plan for sharing the work, can protect you both. The guide Parenting as a team: getting on the same page has ideas.

Babies placed on their father’s chest cry less, fall asleep sooner and show less agitation. If the birth parent needs medical care after delivery, your chest may be the first one your baby feels.

Both parents can do skin-to-skin. Benefits can show even when it is only a few minutes a day.

How to do it

1. Wear a shirt that opens down the front
2. Sit somewhere comfortable, like a rocking chair, and stay awake
3. Hold your baby upright on your chest, or let their head rest against your chest

Ideas

• Bath time every evening
• Burping and settling after feeds
• Changing the first diaper of the day
• Reading or singing before bed
• Taking the baby out in a carrier or stroller

Babies with more involved fathers have shown better development at age 3. Talking about what you are doing, singing and making faces all count.

The guide Being a connected dad at every age has more ways to connect as your baby grows.

Feeling distant from your baby can be a sign of depression in new parents. It is common and it can get better with support. Talk to your doctor, or to the PSI HelpLine.

Ways to help

• Bring the baby to your partner and help with positioning
• Bring water and a snack: nursing makes people very thirsty
• Burp, change and settle the baby afterwards
• Put the baby back in their own sleep space safely

You can sterilise bottles, make up formula and do some of the feeds yourself. Feeding is a lovely time to hold your baby close and make eye contact.

Take shifts with diaper changes, feeds (if bottle-feeding) and rocking the baby. Even a few extra hours in bed can help parents cope better with the stress of a new baby.

Shift ideas

• One parent covers until 2am, the other after
• One parent takes the early morning so the other can sleep in
• Swap nights on the weekend

Being “asked to help” still leaves one person doing the planning. Pick jobs you own from start to finish, like laundry, the baby’s doctor visits or the weekly shop. The guide The mental load explains why this matters so much.

Ask your employer about time for your baby’s medical appointments. Dads who are involved in their child’s health care help that care go well.

Sleeping with a baby on a couch or soft armchair carries a risk up to 67 times higher. Avoid feeding on a couch or armchair when you’re tired.

Staying alert during night feeds

• Ask someone to stay with you if you’re very tired
• Have a light snack and water
• Listen to a podcast or show that won’t make you sleepier
• Set an alarm to go off every few minutes

Ideas

• Ask a trusted friend or relative to watch the baby so you can rest
• Go to bed early on your “off” night
• Keep a regular nap and bedtime routine for your baby
• Nap when the baby naps, at least sometimes

Explain your safe sleep routine to anyone who helps, and ask them to follow it too.

Newborns wake often, and that’s expected. For what’s normal at each age and how to settle your baby, see Baby sleep in the first year: what’s normal and When your baby won’t sleep: reasons & what helps.

Things to try

• Check for hunger, a wet diaper or feeling too hot or cold
• Gentle rocking or walking
• Hold your baby close, skin-to-skin if you like
• Quiet singing, humming or white noise
• A walk in the stroller or carrier

If crying seems unusual, or your baby seems unwell, call your baby’s doctor.

Having a code word means either of you can hand over before you reach breaking point, without a long explanation. It works for friends and relatives who help, too.

Men with depression are often seen as angry or “crabby” rather than sad. If you’re snapping at your partner or baby a lot, it’s worth talking to a doctor. See Men & anger: what’s underneath.

Signs to watch for

• Distancing from family and friends
• Feeling frustrated, discouraged or cynical
• Feeling sad, hopeless or overwhelmed
• Losing interest in work or things you used to enjoy
• Low energy or trouble concentrating
• Being irritable or “crabby”
• Working long hours to avoid home

Things linked to higher risk

• A baby born early
• A history of depression, in you or your partner
• A partner who is depressed
• An unplanned pregnancy
• Money strain, losing a job or little support
• Sleep loss
• Strain in your relationship

Between 5 and 15 in every 100 dads develop an anxiety condition, such as generalised anxiety or OCD, during pregnancy or the first year. Sudden unwanted thoughts of harm coming to the baby are a common part of perinatal OCD and don’t mean you want them to happen. See Perinatal OCD: scary thoughts in pregnancy and after birth.

Depression in fathers is linked to depression in mothers, and to more difficult times for babies and young children. The good news is that getting help for yourself helps the whole family.

For more depth, see Dads’ mental health and Hidden depression in men.

You might notice

• Avoiding talking about the birth
• Feeling guilty that you couldn’t do more
• Feeling on high alert about your baby or partner
• Memories of the birth popping into your head

If these feelings last more than a month or get in the way of daily life, talk to a doctor. The guide Hard or frightening births explains more.

Both parents can do skin-to-skin care in the nursery, often in a comfortable chair with screens for privacy. Fathers of babies born early have a higher chance of depression, so keep an eye on your own mood too.

You may remember different moments from the birth. Sharing both versions, gently and when you’re both ready, can help you make sense of it together. A counsellor can help if it feels too heavy.

If your partner’s low mood, worry or feeling of not coping lasts beyond the first couple of weeks, encourage them to talk to their doctor or midwife. The guide Pregnancy & after birth explains the difference.

Things you could say

• “You’re doing an amazing job. How are you really feeling?”
• “I’ve noticed you seem really low. Can we call someone together?”
• “You don’t have to feel this way on your own.”

Get care straight away for

• Bleeding or discharge after pregnancy that worries you
• Chest pain or a fast-beating heart
• Changes in vision
• Dizziness or fainting
• Fever of 100.4°F or higher
• Headache that won’t go away or gets worse
• Overwhelming tiredness
• Severe belly pain that doesn’t go away
• Severe swelling, redness or pain in a leg or arm
• Thoughts about harming themselves or the baby
• Trouble breathing

Signs like confusion, seeing or hearing things that aren’t there, very strange beliefs or barely sleeping need urgent help the same day. See Postpartum psychosis: signs and getting urgent help.

Postpartum Support International runs online support groups for dads, a peer mentor program and a weekly call with a licensed professional. Many local hospitals and family centres run dads’ or new-parent groups too.

Specific asks

• “Could you hold the baby for an hour so I can sleep?”
• “Could you bring a meal on Thursday?”
• “Could you come for a walk with me and the stroller?”

You could say

• “Honestly, I’m finding this harder than I expected.”
• “Fancy a walk? I could do with a chat.”
• “Did you feel like this when your kid was born?”

The guide Why men don’t ask for help, and how to start has more ideas.

Ways to help

• Ask “How are you doing? Not the baby, you.”
• Drop off food or offer to do a chore
• Offer to watch the baby so he can rest
• Share the PSI HelpLine if he seems to be struggling

Call 1-800-944-4773 (press 2 for English, 1 for Spanish), or text 800-944-4773 in English. Leave a confidential message and a trained volunteer will get back to you. It is not a crisis line.

Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). It is free, confidential and open 24/7 in English and Spanish, with interpreters in other languages. Loved ones, including partners, can reach out too.

If you’re thinking about suicide or harming yourself, call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). If a life is in danger, call 911.

Outside the U.S.? Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.