Birth family visits & contact: supporting the child

Research reviewed by the U.S. Children’s Bureau found that children with more frequent or regular time with their parents tended to have stronger attachments, better wellbeing, fewer behaviour problems, lower levels of depression and better adjustment.

Several studies found that children who saw their parents more often were more likely to go home and spent fewer months in care. Federal guidance urges agencies never to use family time as a reward or a punishment.

Keeping in touch with family helps children keep their sense of identity, belonging and stability. It eases grief and loss, preserves connections to their background, and can support better wellbeing.

When children see their foster parents being respectful toward their birth parents, it can help them build a better sense of self and avoid feeling torn between families. That can make any later move easier too.

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests scheduling visits around a child’s routine where possible, avoiding school hours, late nights, after-school activities and nap time.

• Let them choose a comfort object, like a blanket or soft toy
• Let them pick what to wear
• Pack a healthy snack
• Help them make a drawing or small gift for their parent, if they want to

Many children are driven to visits by people they don’t know, which can be upsetting. Where possible, a foster or kinship parent, or a familiar caseworker, is a better choice. The drive is also a gentle time to talk.

Some children fear that a visit means they will never return to the foster home, or never see their parent again. Say clearly when you will see them next.

What to say

• “You get to see Mom today. I’ll pick you up at four, and we’ll have pasta tonight.”
• “It’s OK to feel excited and nervous at the same time.”
• “You can tell me about it afterwards, or not. Both are fine.”

Pick the child up, or be home when they arrive. Stay calm and friendly with the birth parent in front of the child, and greet the child warmly.

Ideas for the first hour

• Hang up their coat and unpack their bag together
• Have a snack
• Play a quiet game or read a book
• Mark the next visit on the calendar together

What to say

• “It’s hard to say goodbye to Dad. You miss him already.”
• “You can be sad and still have fun later. Both are OK.”
• “I’m right here.”

What not to say

• “See, this is why visits upset you.”
• “Did your mom say anything about me?”
• “Stop crying, you’re home now.”

Write down how the child seemed before and after, and for how long. Facts, not judgments, help the team plan better visits. If something during a visit worries you about safety, tell the caseworker straight away.

What to say

• “I’m so sorry. You were really looking forward to it.”
• “I don’t know why she couldn’t come today. It isn’t because of anything you did.”
• “Let’s ask your caseworker when the next visit is.”

What not to say

• “She obviously doesn’t care.”
• “I knew this would happen.”
• “Maybe next time she’ll bother.”

Parents sometimes say hopeful things they can’t control. Gently separate wishes from plans: “Mom really wants you home. The judge and the caseworker decide when. I’ll tell you what I know, when I know it.”

Agencies are encouraged to make family time easier, for example with transport help, flexible hours, home-like settings or trusted relatives who can supervise. Ask what might help this family.

Watching a child be let down hurts. Talk it through with another foster parent, a support group or a counselor, away from the child.

Icebreaker meetings are facilitated conversations that introduce parents and caregivers. They focus on the child’s needs, routines, likes, dislikes, medical history and how contact will work. You can share a little about your family and home too.

Questions you could ask

• “What helps her fall asleep?”
• “What foods does he love?”
• “Is there a song or game that comforts her?”
• “What would you like me to know about him?”

Foster parents who support reunification see the birth family as experts on the child’s needs and care.

When the case plan allows, regular check-ins by phone, email, text or photo sharing can help parents feel closer to their children and build trust with you.

Always check with the caseworker first about what you can share and how.

Birth parents describe an emotional rollercoaster. Many already feel like “the most awful parent in the world”. A kind word, like “Your kids have a really great bond with you”, can mean more than you know.

One foster parent described taking children for ice cream with their parents instead of sitting in an office. The children could be happy without feeling guilty, because they saw both families working together.

If there are safety concerns, follow the plan and court orders exactly. You can still speak respectfully about the parent and keep photos or letters available for the child.

What to say

• “Your dad is working on some grown-up problems so he can keep you safe.”
• “It’s not your fault you’re in foster care. Kids never cause this.”
• “Your mom loves you. Right now, she needs help to take care of you.”

What not to say

• “Your mom is a bad person.”
• “You’re better off here.”
• “You’ll forget about them soon.”

What to say

• “You can love your mom and like living here. Hearts are big enough.”
• “I’ll never be upset with you for missing your family.”

It’s OK to say “That’s a really good question. I don’t know everything, but I’ll find out what I can.” Check with the caseworker or therapist about how much to share. Never guess or fill gaps with your own opinions.

• Ask for regular sibling visits in the case plan
• Offer to host a sibling playdate or meal
• Share photos between foster homes, if allowed
• Let siblings send each other drawings or cards

Spending time with relatives and learning about family history and traditions helps a child keep cultural bonds and a strong sense of identity.

Ask the family about the child’s holidays, foods, hair and skin care, language and faith. Keeping these familiar shows the child that their background is valued in your home.

What to say

• “I love you, and I have to follow the visit schedule. Let’s see you Saturday at two.”
• “I can’t change the rules, but I can tell the caseworker you’d like more time.”

If the parent turns up outside the agreed plan, stay calm, keep the child away from conflict, and follow any court order. Tell the caseworker. If anyone is in danger, call 911.

Kin caregivers often hold anger, worry and love for the parent at the same time. A kinship support group is a safe place to say what you can’t say in front of the child.

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD). Counselors can talk through worries and help you find your state’s reporting line.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, any time. It is free and confidential.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. Your local children’s services office can explain how family contact works where you live.