Growing up without parents

Childhood bereavement is more common than most people think. Researchers estimate that more than 6.6 million children in the U.S., about 1 in 11, will have a parent or sibling die before they turn 18.

Children understand death differently as they grow. Very young children may think death is like sleep and can be undone. Children around 3 to 6 sometimes believe their own thoughts or words caused it. By about age 12, most understand death is final.

Questions children often carry (out loud or silently)

• Did I cause this?
• Will it happen to me, or to my other parent?
• Who will take care of me now?

Children cope best when family life stays as steady as possible, they keep being cared for, and they can share feelings and memories. Steady relationships with other caring adults help too.

Foster care is meant to keep a child safe when home isn’t safe for now. Many children go back to their parents once things improve. Others are adopted, or stay with relatives or guardians long term.

Entering foster care can feel like being picked up and dropped into a stranger’s life: new house, new rules, new smells, maybe a new school, often in one day. Children are often in shock when they arrive, even if the home they left was frightening.

Moving between many homes is one of the hardest parts. Research consistently links placement stability (staying in one caring home) with better wellbeing.

Things children in foster care often say they wish adults knew

• I still love my parents, even if they couldn’t look after me
• I miss my brothers and sisters
• I don’t know how long I’m staying, and that’s scary
• Please don’t talk about my case in front of me like I’m not here
• I want a say in what happens to me

Kinship care means a child lives with relatives, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles or older siblings, or with “fictive kin”: family friends the child already knows. Around 2.5 million children in the U.S. are being raised in kinship families (2024).

Living with kin can help children keep family ties and cultural traditions, softens the shock of separation, and supports stability, especially when caregivers get the support they need.

Kinship families have their own mix of feelings. A grandmother may be grieving her own child while raising her grandchild. A child may feel lucky to be with family and still angry or sad about why. Loyalties can feel tangled.

Common challenges for kin carers

• Sudden money pressure and space problems
• Their own grief, worry or anger about the child’s parent
• Health and energy, especially for older grandparents
• Not knowing what legal or financial help exists
• Feeling alone, as friends their age are not raising children

UNICEF estimates that over 2 million children live in residential care worldwide, and the true number is likely higher because many homes are not counted. Most of these children have at least one living parent or close relative.

Large institutions often have fixed routines, many children per adult, and staff who change shifts. That makes it hard for a child to form a close bond with one special grown-up, which children need to grow well. UNICEF says the long-term harm of institutional care is well documented.

For this reason, UNICEF and many governments work to move children from institutions into family- and community-based care, and to support families so children don’t have to leave home in the first place.

Adoption is a legal process, but it is also an emotional one. It can be full of joy, and the people involved may also face loss, grief and questions about identity over a lifetime.

An adopted child gains a family and, at the same time, has lost a first family, and sometimes a culture, language or country. Both can be true at once. Feeling sad about birth parents does not mean a child is ungrateful to adoptive parents.

Open adoption (some contact with birth family) and kin adoption can help keep connections to birth family, culture and community. Families can get support before and after adoption, because it is a lifelong process.

Research suggests children adopted early, and families who get open, culturally responsive support after adoption, tend to do better.

Some children have living parents they rarely or never see. A parent might be in prison, deported, working abroad, serving in the military, in long hospital care, or struggling with addiction. The child may live with relatives or in care.

This kind of loss can be confusing because the parent is alive but not there. Children may hope, wait, feel angry, or feel guilty for being angry. There may be no clear ending to grieve.

Children often grieve in cycles. They may be sad one minute and want to play the next. That doesn’t mean they don’t care. Breaks from grief help them cope.

As children grow, they understand their loss in new ways, and it can hurt again. A 6-year-old misses a parent’s hugs. A 14-year-old may grieve that their parent will never see them graduate. Milestones like graduations or weddings can bring grief back.

Times grief often returns

• Birthdays and the anniversary of a loss
• Mother’s Day and Father’s Day (and school projects about them)
• Starting a new school or moving homes
• Graduations, first jobs, weddings
• Becoming a parent yourself

Some losses are unclear. A parent may be alive but unreachable, or in and out of a child’s life. There is no funeral, no goodbye, and often a lot of hope mixed with hurt. Some therapists call this “ambiguous loss”.

Children in this situation may feel they are not allowed to grieve because “nobody died”. They may also feel disloyal for loving their carers. Naming the loss out loud (“You miss your mom, even though she’s alive”) can bring real relief.

Most people learn who they are partly from family stories, faces that look like theirs, and knowing where they come from. Children without parents may have gaps in that story: missing baby photos, unknown medical history, or not knowing why they were separated.

Identity questions often grow in the teen years, when every young person is working out who they are. Research on adopted children notes that identity-related stress can increase in adolescence.

What helps

• Honest, age-appropriate answers about their story, repeated over time
• Photos, letters, birth certificates and keepsakes kept safe for them
• A “life story book” made with a trusted adult
• Contact with siblings and birth relatives where safe
• Permission to be curious without anyone feeling hurt

When a child is placed with a family of a different culture, race, faith or language, they can lose touch with parts of themselves. Kinship care and open adoption can help keep cultural ties alive.

Ways carers can honor a child’s roots

• Learn to care for their hair and skin the way their community does
• Cook foods from their culture and celebrate their holidays
• Find mentors, places of worship or community groups who share their background
• Keep their language alive with books, music or lessons
• Use their name correctly, and never change it without their say

Children often blame themselves for why they aren’t with their parents. They may feel different from classmates, hide where they live, or dread questions like “What do your parents do?”

Shame grows in silence. Adults can help by talking about the child’s story calmly and without judgment, so the child learns it is safe to talk about.

Helpful scripts for children to use with peers

• “I live with my grandma.” (That’s enough. No more detail is owed.)
• “That’s private, but thanks for asking.”
• “My family is a bit different, and that’s okay.”

If grown-ups have left, hurt or disappointed a child before, their brain learns “adults are not safe” or “adults don’t stay”. A new carer has to earn trust slowly, through many small, reliable moments.

The American Academy of Pediatrics reminds foster and adoptive parents that learning to trust again is not likely to happen overnight. Being consistent and patient is what builds it.

A child may push a new carer away, break rules right when things are going well, or say “You’re not my real mom!” Others cling, panic when a carer leaves the room, or seem very friendly with strangers. These can all be signs of a child learning, through hard experience, how to stay safe.

Strong reactions are often about past hurts, not about you. Staying calm, available and kind, even when a child pulls away, shows them that this adult is different.

Things that can look like “bad behavior” but may be fear

• Hoarding food or belongings
• Lying about small things
• Big meltdowns over small changes
• Not letting anyone comfort them
• Being overly polite and “perfect”, too scared to make mistakes

Research on children who left institutions finds that earlier placement in a family is generally linked with better outcomes. Children adopted before age two often do about as well as children who were never separated.

Children placed later can still make big gains in growth and learning in a loving family, even if some challenges remain. It is never too late for a child to benefit from an adult who stays.

What research links with better outcomes

• Placement stability (fewer moves)
• Secure, lasting relationships
• Finding a permanent family early
• Timely, coordinated support
• Trauma-informed care
• Open adoption with culturally responsive support

Being moved to safety is the first step. Feeling safe in your body takes longer. Smells, sounds, places or tones of voice can remind a child of past danger and set off fear before they even know why.

Building felt safety

• Predictable routines for mornings, meals and bedtime
• Simple choices (“red cup or blue cup?”) to give a sense of control
• A space of their own, even a small corner or a box
• A soft voice and calm body during upsets
• Telling them what will happen next, before it happens

Strengths people raised without parents often describe

• Adapting quickly to new places and people
• Deep empathy for others who are struggling
• Resourcefulness and problem-solving
• Fierce loyalty to siblings and chosen family
• Determination to build a different future

Children who have lost parents benefit from ongoing relationships with other caring adults. A grandparent, teacher, coach, neighbor or mentor can all play this role.

Young people with mentors may be more likely to stay in school, make healthier choices, and have stronger relationships and self-worth.

When parents are gone, siblings may be the only people who share a child’s history. Being separated from brothers and sisters can feel like a second loss.

Ways to protect sibling bonds

• Place siblings together whenever safely possible
• If apart, arrange regular visits, calls or video chats
• Celebrate siblings’ birthdays together
• Keep photos of siblings in the child’s room

Many people draw strength from faith communities, cultural traditions, art, music, sport or helping others. These give a sense of belonging and meaning that doesn’t depend on family structure.

Children often arrive in shock. A gentle, patient welcome matters more than a perfect room.

A welcoming checklist

• Explain simply why they are here and what happens next
• Show them their bed, the bathroom and where to find food and water
• Ask what they like to eat, how they sleep, and what scares them
• Let them keep their own belongings, clothes and comfort items
• Use a night-light and leave the door how they want it
• Keep the first days quiet: fewer visitors, simple meals
• Tell them the house rules slowly and kindly, not all at once

Consistent routines for the day, meals and bedtime help children know what to expect. Simple choices help them feel some control, and respecting their choices builds trust.

Ideas

• A picture schedule on the fridge for younger children
• Warnings before changes (“In 10 minutes we’ll leave”)
• Choices within limits: “Bath now or after one story?”
• Same bedtime ritual every night: wash, story, light off
• Tell them ahead of time about visits, court dates or moves

Helpful things to say

• “You’re safe here. I’m not going anywhere today.”
• “It’s okay to miss your mom and still like it here.”
• “None of this is your fault.”
• “You can ask me anything about your story, any time.”
• “I can see you’re upset. I’m right here when you’re ready.”
• “You don’t have to call me mom or dad. You choose what feels right.”

Teach words for feelings during calm moments, then praise a child when they name a feeling or calm down. This builds healthier coping over time.

Try to avoid

• “You should be grateful.” (Children don’t owe gratitude for being cared for.)
• “Your parents didn’t love you.” (Never speak badly of birth parents.)
• “Forget the past, this is a fresh start.” (Their past is part of them.)
• “If you do that again, you’ll have to leave.” (Threats of moving deepen fear.)
• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• “Your real parents…” (Say “birth parents” or “first family”.)

Strong reactions are often about past trauma, not about you. Lower your voice, don’t yell, and avoid long stares, which some children feel as a threat.

A calm-down approach

1. Keep yourself calm first: one slow breath
2. Get down to their level, at a safe distance
3. Name what you see: “You’re really angry right now.”
4. Offer comfort without forcing it: “I’m here if you want a hug.”
5. Wait. Talk about what happened later, when everyone is calm
6. Repair: “That was hard. We’re okay.”

Children do better with the truth told at a level they can understand. Secrets tend to come out later and can feel like betrayal. Open, direct talk is generally better than hiding things to protect a child.

Tips

• Use simple, true words: “Your dad died,” not “We lost him”
• Share more detail as they grow and ask
• It’s okay to say “I don’t know” or “Let me find out”
• Make a life story book with photos, places and people
• Keep important documents and keepsakes safe for them

Child welfare experts encourage preserving family connections, including relationships with parents, relatives and trusted family friends, where it is safe.

Before and after family visits

• Schedule visits around school, routines and naps
• Let the child bring a comfort object
• Remind them they will be welcomed back home
• Plan a calm return: a snack, a bath, quiet play
• Let them talk about feelings if they want, without pushing
• Mark the next visit on the calendar together

Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries can bring up memories and missing. Some children have never had a birthday party.

Ideas

• Ask how they would like to mark the day
• Include a way to remember birth family if they want (a candle, a card)
• Prepare them for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day activities at school
• Start new traditions together
• Expect mixed feelings and don’t take sadness personally

Child welfare guidance encourages involving young people in decisions about their own care.

Ways to include them

• Ask their opinion before meetings and pass it on
• Explain decisions, even when they can’t change them
• Let them choose small things: room color, school club, haircut
• Help older youth attend their own meetings and court hearings

Caring for a child who has been through loss and trauma is meaningful and exhausting. Feeling tired, frustrated or unappreciated doesn’t make you a bad carer.

Ways to refill

• Join a foster, adoptive or kinship carer support group
• Ask about respite care: trained people who give you a break
• Learn about trauma (training helps behavior make sense)
• Keep one thing just for you each week
• Talk to a therapist about your own feelings and history

Common school projects assume every child lives with their birth parents and has baby photos. For a child in care or who has lost a parent, these can bring sudden grief or embarrassment in front of classmates.

Easy changes

• Make it “a person who cares for you” card day
• Offer a “people who matter to me” web instead of a family tree
• Let children bring any photo, not only baby photos
• Give a quiet heads-up to carers before sensitive topics

Trauma reactions can look like hyperactivity or not paying attention. Some behavior that looks like defiance may be a reaction to past hurt.

Trauma-aware classroom ideas

• Greet the child by name each morning
• Offer a calm corner or a pass to see a trusted adult
• Warn about fire drills, substitutes and schedule changes
• Correct privately and calmly, never by shaming
• Notice and praise effort, not only results

Children in care may change schools often. Each move can mean lost credits, missing records and starting over socially. Stable schooling is linked with better learning outcomes.

Welcome steps

• Assign a kind buddy for the first weeks
• Check what the child already learned rather than assuming
• Keep their story private, sharing only what’s needed
• Connect with the carer and caseworker early

Changing homes often means changing schools, missing lessons and losing friends. Research links early adversity with language delays and learning challenges, and links stable schooling with better results.

A child who is in survival mode has less energy left for fractions. Gaps in learning are not a sign the child isn’t smart. With stability and support, many catch up.

Mentored young people may see better school attendance and graduation rates, healthier choices, and stronger self-worth and relationships.

Mentoring works best when it lasts. Relationships that are very short (under three months), irregular, or lack emotional connection can actually hurt young people who have already been let down.

If you mentor

• Commit to at least a year, and be honest if you can’t
• Show up when you say you will
• Do ordinary things together: food, sports, homework, walks
• Listen more than you advise
• Plan a caring goodbye if the match must end

Practical help that matters

• Drop off a meal in the first weeks of a new placement
• Offer school runs or rides to appointments
• Donate clothes, bags, toys and school supplies in good condition
• Become a trained respite carer for a weekend
• Help a grandparent with paperwork or technology

Faith communities, cultural centers, sports clubs and youth groups can welcome children without making them feel different. Some run support groups for kinship carers or foster families, or collect items for children entering care.

Ideas for groups

• Host a support night for kinship and foster carers
• Offer free places at camps and activities
• Train leaders to be sensitive about family-related topics
• Celebrate National Foster Care Month (May) and Kinship Care Month (September)

Child welfare agencies say recruiting and keeping foster parents who can open their homes during family crises is essential. Licensing relatives gives them the same support and pathways as other foster parents.

If fostering isn’t right for you, you can still help: tutoring, mentoring, or spending time with a child, even an hour a month, can matter.

UNICEF reports that the majority of children in residential care are not orphans. Many end up there because of poverty, conflict, disaster, disability or discrimination.

This is why so much work goes into supporting families to stay together, and into family-based care instead of institutions.

Children enter care because adults couldn’t keep them safe, not because of anything the child did. Behaviors that worry adults are often understandable reactions to loss and fear.

Love is the foundation. But children who have been through trauma also need patient, informed care, and carers need help so they don’t burn out. Asking for support is a strength.

Infants don’t understand death, but they sense loss and separation. They may become quiet or sleep less.

Early care shapes the developing brain, which is why steady, responsive adults matter so much for the youngest children.

Grieving a first family is natural and doesn’t reject the family raising the child. Adoption can bring loss and identity questions, and open or kin adoption can help keep a child connected to birth family, culture and community.

Young children often work through feelings in play. Young children bringing death or loss into their play is normal and helps them make sense of it. Play and art therapists use toys, drawing and stories to help children process loss and fear safely.

Proven therapies exist for children who have experienced trauma, and many include carers in sessions. A pediatrician, therapist or developmental specialist can explain why a child reacts as they do and suggest helpful responses.

Some therapies focus on the relationship between a child and their carer, helping both understand each other and build trust. Adoption and foster support services can also help families with everything from explaining adoption to a preschooler to supporting a teen’s search for identity.

Bereavement charities and children’s grief centers offer groups, helplines and online communities. Meeting others who have lost a parent helps children feel less alone. Carers should get support for their own grief too.