When a loved one is incarcerated
Families serve a kind of sentence too. You deserve care and support, not judgment.
By the numbers
What research tells us about families and incarceration.
Children & parents
Family life
Families feel it too
Incarceration touches whole families, not just one person.
In 2016, an estimated 684,500 people in U.S. state and federal prisons were parents of at least one minor child, and they reported about 1.47 million minor children. Many more partners, parents, siblings and grandparents are affected too.
When someone you love is incarcerated, your life changes as well. You may be juggling worry, grief, money stress and judgment from others, often with little support. Many families feel they can’t talk about it.
This guide is for partners, children, parents, caregivers and other loved ones, and for parents inside who want to stay close to their kids. However you feel about what happened, your own mental health matters.
Your feelings as a family member
Grief, shame, anger, relief and worry can all be part of it.
There is no right way to feel when a loved one goes to jail or prison. Many people feel several things at once, and feelings can change from day to day.
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You may grieve the everyday life you shared: meals, bedtime, help around the house, being able to call anytime. This kind of grief can be lonely, because others may not see it as a “real” loss.
What can help
- Keep small rituals, like a weekly letter or a photo on the table
- Name what you miss, out loud or on paper
- Talk with others who understand, such as a family support group
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Many families keep incarceration a secret because they fear judgment. That can protect privacy, but it can also leave you without support. Youth.gov notes that stigma can make the emotional harm for children worse.
What can help
- Choose one or two safe people to tell
- Remember that a loved one’s situation is not your identity
- Support groups where everyone understands
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You may feel angry about what happened, hurt by choices that affected you, or even relief if home life had become hard or unsafe. You can love someone and still feel all of this.
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Families often lose income when someone is incarcerated, and research reviewed by the National Institute of Justice found family income was 22% lower during a parent’s incarceration. Calls, travel for visits and legal costs can add up.
Where to start
- Ask legal aid about child support or benefits questions
- Call 211 for local help with food, rent and utilities
- Set limits on money you send that you can actually manage
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Seeing a loved one arrested can be a shock, especially for children. NIJ notes that witnessing a parent’s arrest may make the impact on a child worse.
What can help
- Let children ask questions, and answer simply and honestly
- Notice signs like nightmares, jumpiness or clinging
- Talk with a counselor if the memory keeps coming back
Children of incarcerated parents
What kids may feel, and what protects them.
The CDC counts having a household member in jail or prison as an adverse childhood experience (ACE), because the instability it brings can affect a child’s health and wellbeing. But ACEs are not destiny. Safe, stable, loving relationships protect children.
NIJ notes that the biggest predictor of how a child copes is the strength of the parent-child relationship, along with the support around the family. Some children grow resilient despite the risks when they have a strong support system.
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Children may feel sad, angry, scared, ashamed or confused. Some saw the arrest. Many face money stress and teasing. Youth.gov notes that a parent’s incarceration can affect a child’s mental health, behavior and schooling, and that stigma can make it worse.
You might notice
- Acting out or pulling away
- Changes in sleep, appetite or schoolwork
- Clinging or worry about other loved ones leaving
- Going back to younger habits
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What helps
- A school counselor or trusted teacher who knows what’s going on
- Honest, age-appropriate explanations
- Letters, calls and visits when they are safe and the child wants them
- Letting kids keep loving their parent
- Steady routines and caring adults
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NIJ notes that children of incarcerated parents are more likely to be suspended or expelled, and suggests that when schools know about a parent’s arrest or incarceration, they can address problems early.
Ideas
- Ask about counseling or mentoring at school
- Decide with your child who at school should know
- Share only what is needed, with one trusted staff member
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Almost half of the minor children of state prisoners were 10 or older. Teens may feel embarrassed, take on adult worries, or act like they don’t care.
What helps
- Give them a choice about visits and calls
- Let them know it’s okay to have mixed feelings about their parent
- Offer a counselor or mentor they can talk to privately
- Watch that they don’t take on too much caregiving
Talking with children about it
Honest, gentle words help children cope.
Many adults want to protect children by not telling them. But children often sense when something is wrong. Without the truth, they may imagine something worse or blame themselves.
In a randomized trial with young children whose fathers were in jail, children who had been given honest, age-appropriate explanations showed more positive feelings during visits. Free Sesame Street materials also helped caregivers talk with children more openly.
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Examples
- “Dad made a mistake and is in a place called prison. It is not your fault.”
- “Grown-ups made a rule that Mom has to stay there for a while.”
- “You can still love her, and she still loves you.”
- “I don’t know when he’ll come home, but I’ll tell you when I know.”
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Children may ask the same questions again and again, or ask at bedtime or in the car. That is how they make sense of big things.
Tips
- “I don’t know, but I’ll find out” is a good answer
- Ask what they think first: “What have you been wondering?”
- Keep details simple for young children
- Never promise a date you aren’t sure about
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Children often sense when something is wrong. Without the truth, they may imagine something worse or blame themselves. Simple, age-appropriate honesty, plus reassurance, usually helps.
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Sesame Street created free videos, a storybook, a caregiver guide and a tip sheet for incarcerated parents, made for children ages 3 to 8. The videos feature Alex, a Muppet whose father is incarcerated.
Fathers and caregivers in the study rated the materials as useful and appealing.
For caregivers stepping in
Grandparents, relatives and foster parents raising children.
Caregivers often take on a child suddenly, with little money or support. They may also be grieving or angry themselves. NIJ notes that a caregiver who already looks after others, or a grandparent living on retirement income, can face extra money strain.
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Ideas
- Ask 211 about local help with food, childcare and benefits
- Ask legal aid about custody, guardianship or school paperwork
- Look for kinship care or grandparent support groups
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Tips
- Keep a calm, simple story that doesn’t blame the child
- Let the child keep loving their parent, even if you are angry
- Try to tell the same story as the parent inside, if you can agree on one
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Raising a child through a crisis is hard work. You may be giving up rest, money and plans of your own. Taking care of yourself helps you take care of them.
Ideas
- Accept help when it is offered
- Take breaks where you can, even short ones
- Talk with a counselor or support group about your own feelings
Staying connected: visits, calls & letters
Keeping bonds strong across the distance.
NIJ notes that through visits, letters and other contact, a parent inside can still play an important positive role in a child’s life. Children who had a good relationship with the parent before tended to benefit from visits.
Contact may help after release too. In a Minnesota study of 16,420 people released from prison, those who were visited had a 13% lower risk of reoffending than those who were not. This shows a link, not proof that visits alone caused the difference.
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Before you go
- Check the facility’s visiting rules, dress code and ID needs ahead of time
- Plan something calm for afterwards
- Tell children what they will see: security checks, guards, maybe glass or a table
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Ideas
- Keep a list of news and questions to share
- Let kids show drawings or schoolwork on video calls
- Pick regular call times, so everyone knows what to expect
- Set a call budget you can manage
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Ideas
- Photos, drawings and report cards
- Short notes about everyday things
- Start a story together, taking turns writing each part
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Contact is not right for every family. If there was abuse or violence, or contact is harming you or a child, it is okay to step back or set limits. A child’s safety and wellbeing come first.
What can help
- Ask legal aid about custody and contact questions
- Talk with a counselor about what is best for your child
- You can change your mind later
For parents inside
Staying a parent from a distance.
Being apart from your children can be one of the hardest parts of incarceration. You are still their parent, and the ways you show up from a distance can matter a great deal.
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Ideas
- Ask about parenting classes
- Draw pictures or tell stories in letters
- Read a book over the phone or record a story if your facility allows it
- Write short, regular letters, even about small things
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Tips
- Agree on a simple, honest story to tell your child
- Ask how your child is really doing
- Respect the caregiver’s house rules
- Thank them: caregiving is hard work
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Youth.gov notes that some incarcerated parents risk losing their parental rights, for example if a child has been in foster care for a long time. Legal aid can help you understand your options.
Ask about
- Child support questions
- Custody and visitation
- Your rights if your child is in foster care
Preparing for a loved one’s return
Planning together for the first weeks home.
A homecoming can bring joy and worry at once. Families change while someone is away. Kids grow up, roles shift, and everyone has their own feelings about what happened.
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Things to talk about
- Chores, money and house rules
- Parenting roles, and how to share them
- Where they will live and how they will get there
- Who will help with ID, appointments and check-ins
Read more
Tips
- Ask questions and listen more than you explain
- Consider family counseling to talk through hard feelings safely
- Go slowly, and expect some bumps
- Keep promises small so you can keep them
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Children may feel excited, shy, angry or unsure when a parent comes home. Some test limits. Some worry the parent will leave again.
What helps
- Keep routines steady
- Let the child set the pace for closeness
- Plan simple time together, like a walk or a meal
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Research shows the risk of death, especially from overdose, is much higher in the first two weeks after release. Knowing this can help families plan for extra support during that time.
Supporting your loved one, and yourself
What to say, what to do, and how to care for yourself too.
Ways to help
- Stay in touch: letters, calls and visits remind them they matter.
- Listen without judging. You don’t need to fix everything.
- Encourage support inside: programs, groups, mental health staff.
- Be patient with changes in mood, trust and habits.
- Celebrate progress, however small.
Try to avoid
- Bringing up the past in every argument
- Promising more money or time than you have
- Taking on more than you can handle
Read more
What can help
- Faith communities and community centers
- Setting limits on calls or money that you can actually manage
- Support groups for families of incarcerated people
- Talking with a counselor about your own feelings
Read more
Ways others can help
- Faith groups: offer meals, rides to visits or a listening ear
- Friends: ask “How are you holding up?” and really listen
- Schools: train staff to support children with a parent inside
When and where to get help
Signs it’s time to reach out, for you or a child.
Reach out if you…
- Are using alcohol or drugs to cope
- Can’t sleep, eat or get through the day
- Feel hopeless, trapped or overwhelmed most days
- Have any thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else
Reach out for a child if they…
- Are struggling at school for weeks
- Have big changes in sleep, eating or behavior that don’t ease
- Seem very withdrawn, sad or angry
- Talk about hurting themselves
Where to start
- Talk to your clinical provider, a therapist or your child’s pediatrician.
- Ask the school counselor for support for your child.
- Call 211 for local help with food, childcare, rent and services.
- Tell one person you trust how you are really doing.
About these lines
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, free and confidential, 24/7
- Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained crisis counselor, 24/7
- Find A Helpline: free, confidential helplines in 175+ countries at findahelpline.com
📝 Worksheets for this guide
Fill these in privately in the app. Your answers stay on your phone.
Sources
- Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS), U.S. Department of Justice (2021). Parents in Prison and Their Minor Children: Survey of Prison Inmates, 2016
- National Institute of Justice (NIJ) Journal (Eric Martin) (2017). Hidden Consequences: The Impact of Incarceration on Dependent Children
- Criminal Justice Policy Review (Duwe & Clark), via NCJRS (2013). Blessed Be the Social Tie That Binds: The Effects of Prison Visitation on Offender Recidivism
- Development and Psychopathology (Poehlmann-Tynan et al.) (2021). Multisite randomized efficacy trial of educational materials for young children with incarcerated parents
- Youth.gov (U.S. federal interagency site). Children of Incarcerated Parents
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). About Adverse Childhood Experiences
- New England Journal of Medicine (Binswanger et al.) (2007). Release from Prison — A High Risk of Death for Former Inmates
- Legal Services Corporation (LSC). Get Legal Help
- 211. About 211
- United Way Worldwide. 211: Connecting People to Local Resources
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Crisis Text Line (resource listing)
- ThroughLine. Find A Helpline
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
