Birth parents: grief, contact & healing after placing a child

Many birth parents choose adoption because they don’t feel ready or able to raise a child, and believe the child will have a better life with parents who are ready. Money, personal goals and family attitudes can also play a part.

Federal guidance says choosing adoption, or choosing to parent, takes courage and love.

Some parents lose their parental rights after their child enters foster care. This can bring feelings of powerlessness and of being wronged that affect life and identity for a long time.

Adoption means losing a child and a parenting role, for fathers as well as mothers. Birth fathers may not have been told, asked or included, which can add anger to grief.

Many states have “responsible father” (or “putative father”) registries, where fathers can register their interest in a child.

When grandparents, siblings or other relatives adopt, you may stay in your child’s life in a new role. Roles, boundaries and loyalties can feel confusing for everyone.

You may think often about your child and wonder whether they are well, whether you will see them again, and whether they think about you. This “ambiguous loss” has no clear ending, which can delay grieving.

Society has no rituals to mark the losses of adoption, and adoption grief is not widely understood. You may not even realise that what you’re feeling is grief.

Strong grief and regret may come years after an adoption is finalized. Federal guidance encourages birth parents to admit these feelings to themselves and know that they are normal.

A review in counselling psychology noted that many birth mothers do as well as other women on outward measures like education, while still carrying serious emotional effects.

Some birth parents find sex, pregnancy and closeness emotionally painful. Some feel reluctant to form close bonds with partners or with children who come into their lives later.

Birth parents may be unsure of their role in their child’s life. This can change over time, for example as contact increases or decreases.

Reunions can surface issues that were long buried or kept secret from spouses or other family members.

If you are thinking of telling someone

• Choose a calm time and a private place
• Get support from a counsellor or group first
• Start with one person you trust most
• You decide how much to share

Phrases some birth parents find helpful

• “I did what I could with what I had.”
• “I can grieve and still move forward.”
• “My child’s story includes me.”
• “My feelings are real, and they make sense.”

In about 29 states and Washington, D.C., courts can approve written contact agreements before an adoption is finalized. Some states limit these agreements to children adopted from foster care.

Where there are safety concerns, contact may be supervised, arranged through a caseworker or therapist, or by letters and photos.

Steps some birth parents take

• Keep your contact details current with the agency, if possible
• Register with your state’s mutual consent registry, if it has one
• Share medical history updates with the agency
• Write letters or keep a journal your child could read one day

Counselling and support groups with other birth parents can help you accept the adoption arrangements, work through grief, feel better about yourself and plan for your future.

If you are facing substance use, mental health struggles or violence at home, help for those can also prepare you for healthier contact later.

Go to your follow-up appointments and ask your clinical provider about physical changes after birth. Rest, food and water matter even when grief makes them feel unimportant.

Counselling after the birth and after the adoption can help you cope as feelings come up over the years. Some licensed agencies offer counselling after adoption for as long as you need it.

In independent adoptions, most states allow, and some require, adoptive parents to pay for the birth mother’s counselling, often for a limited time.

• Ask one person to check in daily for a while
• Keep something that connects you to your child, like a photo or hospital bracelet
• Let yourself cry, talk or be quiet as you need
• Say no to visits or questions you’re not ready for
• Write down your feelings, or a letter to your child

• Calls, video chats or texts
• In-person visits
• Letters, cards and photos, sometimes through the agency
• Shared social media, with agreed privacy

Contact often changes as children grow, families move or life gets busy.

Agreements are usually signed before an adoption is finalized and describe how and how often contact will happen. They are enforceable only in some states, and a dispute over contact can never undo an adoption.

Families in contact need flexibility, good communication skills and commitment. These skills can be learned, with support from others or professionals.

Tips

• Be honest if something isn’t working
• Keep the child’s needs at the centre
• Let each other know before changing how often you’re in touch
• Respect the limits each family asks for

If promised contact slows or stops, it can feel like losing your child again. A neutral adoption professional or mediator can help families talk again and adjust plans.

Keep caring for yourself, and keep a way for your child to find you later.

You are a parent, even if no one around you says so. You can choose your own way to mark these days.

Ideas

• Spend time with people who know your story
• Take a break from social media
• Treat yourself as gently as you would any grieving parent

Even without contact, many birth parents feel milestones they can’t see. Marking them privately can help.

Mutual consent registries match birth parents and adult adoptees when both have signed up. The largest free registry, the International Soundex Reunion Registry, is open to birth parents and adoptees over 18.

If your child is under 18, talk with a social worker or counsellor before searching through social media.

Reunion can tap into strong feelings of separation, guilt and loss, and bring up secrets kept from partners or other children. Preparing helps you think through your expectations.

Before you reach out

• Decide what you’re ready to share about why you placed your child
• Get support from a birth parent group or counsellor
• Prepare for questions, anger or silence
• Think about telling your partner or children first

Social media and DNA tests mean contact can happen quickly. It is okay to take time before replying, and to ask for slower, gradual contact.

Both people should set and respect boundaries and approach each other with empathy.

Searching may not always lead to a reunion, and everyone has the right to their own boundaries.

If your adult child doesn’t want contact now, you can still offer medical history and a way to reach you if they change their mind.

• “Do you want to tell me about your child?”
• “I know their birthday is coming. I’m thinking of you.”
• “Your grief makes sense.”
• Saying the child’s name, if the birth parent uses it

• “At least you can have another one.”
• “How could you give your baby away?”
• “It was for the best, so you should be over it.”
• “You’re not really their mother/father anymore.”

Because adoption grief isn’t widely understood, birth parents often feel alone with it.