Kids & family changes

Tips

• If you can, tell them together
• Use simple words that fit their age
• Say clearly: this is a grown-up decision about grown-up problems
• Tell them it is not their fault, and they can’t fix it
• Tell them what will stay the same, and what will change
• Give them chances to ask questions, again and again

Children are more resilient and less stressed when there is less conflict between their parents. It is critical to shield them from fighting as much as possible.

Try not to

• Argue in front of them, or where they can hear
• Ask them to choose sides
• Ask them to pass messages
• Lean on them for comfort like an adult friend
• Speak badly about the other parent

Children do better when parents work together and keep rules and discipline consistent across homes. Keeping school, friends and daily routines the same helps them feel secure.

Ideas

• Keep favorite things in both homes
• Shared calendar so kids know where they will be
• Similar bedtimes and screen rules in both homes
• Support their relationship with the other parent, if safe

Separation is hard for adults too. Getting support for yourself, and showing your children that you reach out when things are hard, helps everyone.

Support for parents

• A counselor or therapist
• Mediation to reduce conflict
• Support groups for separated or single parents
• Trusted friends and family

When a parent drinks or uses drugs, home can swing between calm and chaos. Plans get cancelled, promises get broken, and moods change fast. Children often learn to stay on high alert, watching for clues about what kind of day it will be. Over time, that constant watchfulness is tiring and can show up as worry, trouble sleeping or trouble concentrating.

You might notice a child who

• Acts out, or goes very quiet
• Avoids bringing friends home
• Keeps family life a secret
• Seems on edge, jumpy or watchful at home
• Takes on adult jobs, like looking after siblings or a parent
• Tries to be “perfect” so nothing goes wrong

What helps

• Give them a calm, safe place to go: a relative, a neighbor, a friend’s home
• Keep whatever routines you can: meals, bedtimes, school mornings
• Make sure they know who to call if they ever feel unsafe
• Prepare them if plans might change, and explain why in simple words

Children often blame themselves. They may think, “If I were better, Mom wouldn’t drink,” or try hard to make a parent stop. Honest, simple words, matched to their age, can lift a heavy weight off their shoulders.

Messages that help

• “This is not your fault. Nothing you did caused it.”
• “You can’t fix it or control it, and it’s not your job to try.”
• “Your parent has a problem with alcohol or drugs. It is a health problem, and they are not a bad person.”
• “Lots of kids live with this. You are not alone.”
• “You can talk to me about it any time, and ask me anything.”
• “Your parent loves you, even when they can’t show it well.”

Research on children of parents with alcohol or drug problems keeps pointing to one thing: a secure, loving bond with a parent or caregiver. Support outside the family, activities they enjoy, and good relationships later in life also seem to help. Researchers say more studies are needed, but the message is hopeful: caring relationships make a difference.

Ways to build emotional safety

• Connect them with a trusted adult outside the home: a grandparent, coach, teacher or school counselor
• Encourage clubs, sports, music or art, where they can just be a kid
• Help them name feelings: “It sounds like you felt scared last night.”
• Let them feel angry, sad, embarrassed or worried, without judging
• Never ask them to keep secrets that make them feel unsafe
• Spend regular one-on-one time doing something they like

Alateen is part of Al-Anon. It is for young people ages 13 to 18 who have been affected by someone else’s drinking. Teens come together to share what they’ve been through, encourage each other and learn ways to cope. It is not therapy, and it is not for teens seeking help for their own drinking or drug use.

How to find it

• Join an Alateen online chat meeting
• Try an Alateen meeting in the Al-Anon mobile app
• Use the meeting finder on the Al-Anon website

Other places to find support

• A therapist who works with children and families
• Support groups for family members through local treatment centers
• The SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-4357), free and 24/7, for referrals to local services
• The school counselor

Treatment for the parent can be essential for children’s well-being, and the whole family may be part of the recovery process. Children may feel hopeful, wary or angry when a parent starts treatment. All of those feelings make sense.

What helps during recovery

• Explain what is happening in simple, honest words
• Family therapy can help everyone talk and heal together
• Let trust rebuild slowly; don’t expect children to “move on” quickly
• Prepare children that setbacks can happen, and that they are still not to blame

Small things that help

• Ask what feels too much, and share out tasks where you can
• Let the school know, so teachers can be flexible and understanding
• Look for respite care or help from relatives, neighbors or local services
• Make sure they have someone to talk to about their own feelings
• Notice and thank them for what they do
• Protect time for school, friends, rest and fun

Many young carers don’t think of themselves that way. To them, it is just “helping out”. But you are allowed to have limits, feelings and a life of your own.

You can

• Ask your family’s doctor or social worker what help is available for the person you care for
• Call or text 988 if you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsafe
• Keep some time each week just for you
• Look for a young carers group, where you can meet others who understand
• Tell a trusted adult: a teacher, school counselor, coach, relative or faith leader

In the U.S., the American Association of Caregiving Youth runs the Caregiving Youth Project, which works with middle and high schools to give caregiving students and their families direct support.

What schools can do

• Allow flexibility with deadlines during hard weeks
• Ask quietly about life at home when a student seems tired or distracted
• Connect the student with the counselor or a young carers group
• Make sure the student knows they won’t get in trouble for sharing

Trauma is an emotional response to an intense event that threatens or causes harm. It can come from one event or from many over time, such as abuse, neglect, or being separated from loved ones. Caregivers who don’t understand trauma may misread a child’s behavior, and some responses can make things worse.

You might see

• Big reactions to small things
• Hoarding food or belongings
• Shutting down or seeming far away
• Testing limits, as if waiting to be rejected
• Trouble sleeping or nightmares

Children who have been hurt or moved many times may find it hard to trust that adults will stay. Trust is built slowly, through many small moments of being kept safe and cared for.

What helps

• Lots of small, warm moments together
• Not taking rejection personally
• Predictable routines and clear, calm rules
• Repairing after conflict: “I still care about you.”
• Staying calm during hard moments
• Telling them what will happen next

Adopted children and teens may wonder about their birth family, culture and story, especially during the teen years. Staying connected to their family of origin, culture and community, where it is safe, can support their sense of identity.

Ways to support

• Celebrate their culture, language and traditions
• Connect them with other adopted or foster youth
• Let them lead on questions and contact, when it is safe
• Speak respectfully about their birth family
• Talk about their story openly, in words that fit their age

Kinship care is when children live with relatives or people the family already knows. When a home is not safe, living with kin is the preferred option. It helps children keep family ties and cultural traditions, and can lessen the hurt of being separated.

Support for kin caregivers

• Kinship navigator programs, available in most states, can help you find services
• Support groups for grandparents and relatives raising children
• Your state’s child welfare agency

Families need access to support before and after adoption. Some states and private groups offer adoption support and preservation services. A therapist who understands trauma, foster care and adoption can help children and caregivers together.

Questions to ask a therapist

• Do you have training in trauma and attachment?
• Have you worked with foster, adoptive or kinship families?
• How will caregivers be involved?
• How will we know it is helping?

Arguing over toys, teasing and tattling are a normal part of growing up. Learning to disagree respectfully builds communication and coping skills. But when one sibling is repeatedly hurt, scared or put down by another, that is sibling bullying, and it matters.

A large UK study followed nearly 7,000 young people. Those bullied by a sibling several times a week or more at age 12 had about twice the odds of depression and self-harm at age 18. The study shows a link, not proof of cause.

Rivalry usually…

• Blows over and they play again
• Goes both ways
• Is about fairness, toys or attention

Bullying usually…

• Happens again and again
• Is one-sided, with one child holding the power
• Leaves one child scared, hurt or ashamed

When one child has an illness, disability or mental health needs, much of the family’s time and worry goes to them. Their siblings may feel “invisible unless they demand attention”. Some people call them “glass children”, because parents may feel they can see right through them, as if they are fine.

Feelings siblings may have

• Embarrassment when people stare or tease
• Guilt about being healthy, or wondering if they caused it
• Jealousy of the attention their sibling gets
• Resentment about extra chores or responsibilities
• Worry about their sibling, or about getting sick themselves

Research reviews have found these siblings can be at higher risk of emotional difficulties, such as low mood and worry. Many also grow in empathy, responsibility and problem-solving, and families can become closer.

How to help

• Ask your child’s doctor about counseling or sibling support groups
• Give honest, age-appropriate information about their sibling
• Include them in family decisions that affect them
• Let them have their own interests and wins, celebrated too
• Plan regular one-on-one time with each child
• Watch for withdrawal, anger, falling grades or lost interest

A new baby is a big change. Older children may go backwards for a while: toilet accidents, wanting a bottle, or more clinginess. This is normal. It is their way of making sure they still have your love and attention.

What helps

• Ask visitors to say hello to the big sibling first
• Explain the baby will cry and need lots of care
• Give them a helper job, if they want one
• Instead of “act your age”, give them the attention they need, and praise grown-up moments
• Prepare them early, with books and honest talk
• Protect special one-on-one time with them

Bringing two families together takes time. After an early “honeymoon” stage, rivalry and disagreements are common. Children may compete for attention or side with their own parent.

What helps

• Don’t expect stepsiblings to spend all their time together
• Don’t make older stepchildren the default babysitter
• Give each child one-on-one time with their own parent
• Let the birth parent lead on discipline at first
• Prepare children before moving in together
• Present a united front as adults
• Respect privacy and belongings, even in shared rooms

When a child dies, much of the support goes to the parents. Surviving siblings may hide their own grief to protect their parents, feel guilty for being alive, or feel they have lost their parents to sadness too.

What helps

• Find a grief group or counselor for children
• Keep some routines going
• Let them talk about their sibling and keep memories alive
• Tell their school, so teachers can support them
• Use honest, simple words about what happened

Sometimes one child needs more than another, and treating children differently based on their needs is not playing favorites. Kids may not understand why a sibling of a different age is treated differently, so explain it in simple words. One-on-one time focused on each child’s interests helps each one feel seen.

Everyday ideas

• Agree on house rules together: no hitting, knock before entering, kind words
• Family meals without screens
• Listen to all sides before deciding, and scold in private
• Short one-on-one time with each child: a bedtime chat, a monthly breakfast
• Take turns choosing activities
• Teamwork games, or games without keeping score

Use simple words that fit their age. Tell them what will stay the same and what will change. Say clearly that grown-up problems are not their fault, and give them chances to ask questions again and again.

By age

• Little kids: short, concrete words and lots of reassurance: “You will still sleep in your bed.”
• School-age kids: a bit more detail, and a chance to ask “what about me?” questions
• Teens: more honesty about the why, and a say in decisions that affect them

Predictable routines are one of the building blocks of healthy emotional development. Keeping routines stable during a hard time helps protect a child’s self-esteem.

Routines worth protecting

• A bedtime ritual
• Age-appropriate chores
• Family meals together
• Homework time
• Short, regular one-on-one play with phones away

Pediatricians suggest “emotion coaching”: acknowledge the feeling, help name it, let the child know it makes sense, and meet the need underneath. That means comfort for sadness, safety for fear, and kindness with clear limits for anger.

Try saying

• “It makes sense that you feel sad about moving.”
• “You can be angry. You can’t hit. Let’s stomp it out instead.”
• “I’m here. We’ll get through this together.”

Signs to notice

• Changes in eating, sleep or energy
• Clinginess or fear of being apart from you
• Going backwards, like toilet accidents in a young child
• Headaches or stomachaches, especially on school days
• Irritability, anger or more “acting out”
• Losing interest in things they enjoyed

Stress at home, like a divorce, a move or money worries, can show up at school as worry, falling grades or not wanting to go. Telling the teacher or counselor lets them be patient and watch for signs.

What to share

• A little about what changed, and when
• How your child has been at home
• Who to contact, and what you’d like them to watch for