Adult siblings: rivalry, distance & reconnecting

• Help in a crisis, a move or an illness
• Someone to share memories of parents with
• Uncle or aunt to your children
• A familiar voice when life changes

In the study of older adults, more frequent sibling contact went along with more warmth and less sense of parental favouritism.

Easy ways to stay in touch

• A shared photo or meme
• A standing monthly call
• A short text on hard dates, like a parent’s anniversary

In the same study, sister pairs reported the most warmth. But any pair can be close, and step, half and adopted siblings are just as real.

The right amount of closeness is different for every family.

Feeling that a parent favoured a sibling is linked to more conflict and loneliness in later life.

Researchers studying caregiving found that adult children’s beliefs about favouritism strain sibling relationships, whether they think they or a sibling is the favourite.

Ways to step out of it

• Notice when you’re keeping score
• Celebrate their win out loud, even if it stings
• Remind yourself you’re on different paths
• Ask parents to stop comparing: “Please don’t compare us.”

Families often keep siblings in childhood roles. The eldest still organises everything, the youngest still isn’t taken seriously.

Try

• Name the role to yourself before family time
• Let someone else take the lead once
• Ask your sibling’s opinion on something important

Siblings can grow up with different parents in practice: a parent who was younger, older, married, divorced, struggling or doing well. Neither memory has to be wrong.

Try saying

• “For me, growing up felt…”
• “I didn’t know it was like that for you.”

• Schedule video calls like appointments
• Play an online game or watch a show “together”
• Plan a yearly sibling trip, even a short one
• Send care packages or postcards

Siblings may end up with very different politics, faiths or lives. The When family values are different guide has ideas for staying close across those differences.

Some life stages leave little room for anyone. A short message saying “I’m swamped but thinking of you” keeps the door open.

Low-pressure openers

• “Saw this and thought of you.”
• “I miss you. Want to catch up this week?”
• “Remember when we…?”

AARP suggests family members talk about how they see caregiving unfolding before anyone needs care, so mismatched expectations come out sooner.

The researchers behind the caregiving study suggest families discuss which child a parent would prefer as caregiver, and that siblings coordinate with each other.

Ways to contribute

• Hands-on care: visits, meals, rides
• Money: paying for help or supplies
• Paperwork: bills, insurance, forms
• Research: finding services and options
• Breaks: giving the main caregiver time off

AARP suggests rotating roles as siblings’ lives change, and making a plan that works for the whole family, not only the parent.

A simple meeting plan

1. Share the facts about your parent’s needs
2. Ask your parent what they want, if they can say
3. List the tasks
4. Let each sibling choose what they can do
5. Write it down and set a date to check in

Try

• “Can you take Mom to her Tuesday appointments this month?”
• “I need one weekend off. Can you cover?”
• “Can you chip in for a few hours of home help each week?”

The Caregiver stress & burnout guide has more on looking after yourself.

• Handle bills, paperwork or calls
• Plan visits to give the local sibling a break
• Call your parent often
• Thank your sibling, often

The free Eldercare Locator connects older adults and families with local services: 1-800-677-1116 or eldercare.acl.gov.

• Encourage parents to make a will and share where it is
• Ask parents to explain unequal choices themselves
• Agree how big decisions will be made
• Keep a shared list of accounts and documents

The Planning ahead: wishes, advance directives & legacy guide can help families start.

• Take turns choosing items
• Ask each sibling which few things matter most to them
• Photograph items that can’t be shared
• Slow down: there’s rarely a need to decide everything in a week

• Put agreements in writing, even with family
• Only lend what you could afford to lose
• Agree what happens if plans fall through

The Money in families & relationships guide has more.

A lawyer, mediator or financial professional can explain options and lower the temperature. It can help to keep money talks in writing.

• Get to know the partner one-on-one
• Include them in family traditions
• Still make time alone with your sibling now and then
• Avoid criticising the partner to your sibling

• Talk about behaviour, not character
• Don’t ask your sibling to choose
• Keep visits shorter or in neutral places
• Focus on the relationship you can control: yours with your sibling

The Difficult relatives: aunts, uncles, cousins & in-laws guide has more ideas.

Becoming an aunt or uncle can bring siblings closer. Respecting your sibling’s parenting choices, even when you’d do it differently, keeps that door open.

Venting to a parent or another sibling can feel easier, but messages get twisted and people feel ganged up on.

Try

• “Can we talk, just the two of us?”
• “I’d rather hear it from you than through Mom.”

• “I felt left out when I found out about the trip later.”
• “I feel stretched thin with Dad’s care. I need more help.”
• “I miss how close we used to be.”

• Use the group for plans, not grievances
• Take disagreements to a call
• Wait before replying when you’re upset
• Mute it for a while if it’s too much

• “I’m sorry I said that. It wasn’t fair.”
• “I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I see my part.”

An apology doesn’t need a “but.” The Handling conflict & repair guide has more.

You may miss the sibling you had, or the one you hoped for. Holidays, birthdays and family events can bring it back.

What can help

• Let yourself grieve, without needing to fix it
• Write a letter you don’t send
• Talk with people who understand

If a sibling has abused, threatened or exploited you, distance can be the right choice. You don’t owe anyone contact that harms you.

The Low contact & no contact guide can help you plan and live with that decision.

• “I know you want us to get along. This is between us.”
• “Please don’t pass messages.”
• “I’m happy to see you separately.”

A parent’s illness or death often brings estranged siblings into the same room. Plan ahead: who you’ll sit with, how long you’ll stay, and how you’ll respond if they approach.

The Anticipatory grief: grieving before a loss guide may help.

First messages

• “I’ve been thinking about you. I’d like to be in touch, if you’re open to it.”
• “Happy birthday. I hope this year is good to you.”
• “No pressure to reply. I just wanted you to know I miss you.”

Ask yourself

• What’s the smallest relationship I’d be glad to have?
• Can I let go of needing an apology?
• What will I do if they say no, or don’t answer?

Cornell researchers suggest journaling, including writing the story from the estranged relative’s point of view, and talking with relatives who didn’t take sides.

• Meet for coffee or a walk, with an end time
• Talk about now, not every old hurt
• End on something warm
• Plan a next step only if it felt okay

Cornell researchers suggest counselling, alone or together, as a step toward reconciliation.

• Close friends who feel like family
• Caregiver support groups, if you’re sharing parent care
• Faith or cultural communities
• Cousins or other relatives you click with

The Ways to reconnect guide has ideas for building connection.

A therapist can help you work through childhood roles, favouritism or grief, whether or not your sibling joins. Family therapy can help siblings plan parent care together. See Couples, family & group therapy.

Call 911 in an emergency. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7.

• Call 1-800-799-7233
• Text START to 88788
• Chat at thehotline.org

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free and confidential by call, text or chat. Crisis Text Line offers free 24/7 support by text with a trained person.

• Call or text 988
• Text HOME to 741741

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in over 175 countries, by phone, text or chat.