Third culture kids: growing up between cultures

Foreign Service families often move every few years between posts. Groups like the Foreign Service Youth Foundation run webinars on third culture kid issues and re-entry seminars for young people returning to the U.S.

Military kids may move across the country or to another country every few years. Many live on or near bases overseas for part of their childhood.

These kids may live in one country for many years and feel more at home there than in their passport country. Some go to boarding schools or study at home for part of their childhood.

They may face

• A big change when the family goes “home” on leave
• Being seen as a representative of their parents’ work
• Strong friendships with other mission kids

Many attend international schools with classmates from dozens of countries. Friends often come and go as their own families move.

Some people find the term a huge relief: “There are others like me!” Others prefer words like “global nomad”, “cross-cultural kid”, or simply naming the places they lived.

Children of immigrants and kids of mixed heritage often relate to these feelings too. The “Children of immigrants” guide has more on that experience.

Studies link open-mindedness in TCKs with making friends more easily and seeing the world more broadly. More time at an international school was linked to less “us versus them” thinking about other cultures.

Many TCKs learn to read a room quickly and fit into new groups. This is a real skill that helps in school, work and friendships.

Some TCKs speak several languages. Others have a deep feel for how people in different places joke, argue and show respect. That makes them natural bridge-builders.

Keeping up the family’s home language was linked to less culture shock in the research.

In one study of 489 adults, those who grew up as TCKs reported more resilience than those who did not.

Another study of more than 700 adults found that, on average, people who grew up abroad became more mature and well adjusted as they aged.

At international schools, friends and teachers move away every year. TCKs describe missing people and places they may never see again.

Adolescence is a sensitive time for moving, because you are working out who you are. Putting together values from several cultures can take extra time.

You might notice

• Feeling at home in airports or with other TCKs
• Feeling like an outsider in your passport country
• Not knowing which culture’s rules to follow

Some TCKs say their friendships stay more casual. Researchers suggest this may be a way of coping with repeated loss.

That makes sense as protection. Over time, it can also leave you lonelier than you want to be. Small steps toward closeness are worth it.

Fear of going back to the passport country, or of moving again, may add stress and make it harder to settle.

Try saying

• “I’m American, but I grew up in Kenya and Japan.”
• “My passport says Canada. I’ve lived in four countries.”
• “Most recently, Dubai.”

Try saying

• “It’s a bit of a story. Want the short or long version?”
• “My parents are from two places, and I grew up in three more.”
• “Home is more about people than one place for me.”

Comments like “But where are you really from?” or “You’re not a real ___” can hurt. You do not owe anyone your whole life story.

Try saying

• “That’s the short answer for now.”
• “I’m from a few places, and they all count.”

Programs like Student 2 Student pair new students with trained classmates who give tours and sit with them at lunch. Students say joining in is one of the best ways to start feeling at home.

Parents report that a steady activity their child could join almost anywhere helped them connect quickly.

Ideas

• Art or drama club
• A martial art
• A team sport
• Music lessons
• Scouts or youth groups

Moving between school systems can mean repeating a class or catching up on another. Carry copies of your report cards and school records so the new school can place you well.

Staying in touch online with peers who share a similar background was linked to better adjustment.

Old friends and new friends can both matter. You do not have to choose.

• “It’s okay to miss your old school and like this one too.”
• “Tell me about where you lived. What was it like?”
• “Goodbyes are hard. You can be sad about it.”
• “You don’t have to pick one place to be from.”

• “You’re so lucky, stop complaining.”
• “You’ll make new friends in no time.”
• “But where are you really from?”
• “You’re home now, so it’s all fine.”

Good relationships with teachers were linked to better adjustment.

• Ask about the places they have lived and use them in lessons
• Check in during the first weeks, not just the first day
• Connect them with a buddy or club
• Notice if they stay on the edges

Trained crisis counselors are there for anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, any time of day or night.

Text with a trained volunteer from anywhere in the United States. In Canada text 686868, and in the UK text 85258.

Find A Helpline is a free directory of confidential helplines by chat, text or phone. The International Association for Suicide Prevention points people to it.

If you are a U.S. citizen abroad in an emergency, contact the nearest U.S. embassy or consulate, or call 1-888-407-4747 from the U.S. or Canada, or +1-202-501-4444 from elsewhere.

Free, short-term, confidential counseling for service members and their families. From overseas, use the international calling options on the Military OneSource site.

Many international and military-connected schools have counselors who understand moving. They can also suggest local therapists who work with globally mobile families.