Talking about wills and wishes before it’s too late

Disputes over money and inheritances are among the common triggers of family rifts, Cornell researchers report. Talking while everyone can still ask questions removes a lot of guesswork.

The Inheritance fights: when grief and money collide guide shows what can happen when wishes aren’t known.

In a 2025 survey, a common reason people gave for not having a will was feeling they didn’t have enough to leave anyone. But a will can also name who cares for children, pets and dependants, and who is in charge.

Only 20% of adults aged 18 to 29 had a will in a 2021 Gallup poll. Yet anyone with children, a partner, pets or debts has reasons to plan.

In a national survey about end-of-life wishes, 95% of Americans said they’d be willing to have the conversation, and more than half said it would be a relief.

A will says how your property, money and other things will be shared when you die. It can also name guardians for children under 18 and cover adult dependants, pets, gifts and funeral wishes.

A will usually names an executor, the person in charge of carrying it out. Naming a backup is also wise.

A durable power of attorney for finances names someone to handle money decisions if you can’t. A living trust names a trustee to hold and manage property.

Tell the people you choose, and make sure they’re willing. The Being the executor: stress, family and boundaries guide shows how much the role can involve.

Retirement accounts and some other accounts pass to the person named as beneficiary. These designations typically override the instructions in a will, and they stay valid through big life changes unless you update them.

Personal items often carry emotional value even when they’re worth little money.

Ideas

• Ask family which few items mean the most to them
• Write down who should get special items, and why
• Share the stories behind heirlooms while you can
• Give some things away during your life, if you’d like to see them enjoyed

Tell someone you trust, or a lawyer, where to find your important papers. You don’t have to discuss every detail of your affairs. If papers are in a safe deposit box, keep copies at home.

The National Institute on Aging has a checklist of personal, financial and health records worth keeping together.

• “I want to make sure your wishes are followed, whatever happens.”
• “A friend’s family had a hard time after her dad died. It made me think about us.”
• “I’ve just done my own will. Have you thought about yours?”
• “You don’t have to tell me what’s in it. I’d just like to know where things are.”
• “What matters most to you about how things are handled?”

• “So, who’s getting the house?”
• “You’d better not leave it all to…”
• “When you’re gone…” as the opener
• Bringing it up at a holiday dinner in front of everyone

• After a friend or relative has died
• A birthday, retirement or big move
• After a new grandchild is born
• National Healthcare Decisions Day, April 16, for health care wishes

Many people need a few tries. You might say: “That’s okay. I’d love to come back to it another time.” Leaving the door open is often enough for now.

Try saying

• “It’s completely your decision. I just want to make sure it’s written down the way you want.”
• “Would you like help finding a lawyer, or would you rather do it yourself?”

If you have brothers or sisters, try to include them, or at least tell them that the conversation is happening. It prevents worries later that one child influenced a parent.

The Siblings, estates and keeping the peace guide has more on this.

If a parent plans to leave different amounts to different children, hearing the reason from them, while they can explain, can prevent years of hurt. Some people write a short letter to go with their will.

The Left out of a will: hurt, anger and moving forward guide shows how painful unexplained choices can be.

The Eldercare Locator (1-800-677-1116, eldercare.acl.gov) connects older adults and families with local services, and can be a starting point for finding legal help.

• That you have a will, and where it is
• Who you’ve named to be in charge, and that they’ve agreed
• Any choices that might surprise people, and why you made them
• Special items and who you’d like to have them

A will can name who would look after children under 18 and adult dependants. Talk to the person you have in mind first.

A will can include plans for pets. If you have one, you might also include your vet’s details in your records.

After a spouse dies, the National Institute on Aging suggests writing a new will and updating other papers. Beneficiary forms also need reviewing, because they stay valid through big life changes.

In blended families, a spouse and children from an earlier relationship may have very different hopes. Old beneficiary forms can also name a former spouse. These designations typically override a will.

Talking openly, and writing down your choices clearly, can protect relationships between stepparents and stepchildren. See the Blended & step-families guide.

If you want an unmarried partner to inherit or be in charge, it usually needs to be in writing, because state rules for people with no will often start with spouses and blood relatives.

Many LGBTQ+ people, people estranged from relatives, and people without close kin rely on chosen family. Without a will, those people may have no say. Writing your wishes down protects them.

The LGBTQ+ older adults: community, care & wellbeing guide covers planning with chosen family too.

A will can include plans for adult dependants. If a family member relies on benefits, a lawyer can explain options that protect both their inheritance and their support.

Ways to explain

• Talk to each person privately first
• Write a short letter to go with your will, explaining your reasons with love
• Say clearly that a different amount is not a different amount of love

If one family member has cared for you, telling the others why you want to recognise that, while you can, reduces suspicion that they influenced you.

Money given to one person during your life is often remembered differently by different people. Writing down whether it was a gift or a loan, and whether you want it to count, avoids arguments later. A lawyer can explain how to do this properly.

Some families find it easier to talk about wishes through the lens of faith, duty or caring for the next generation. A faith leader or respected elder may help start the talk.

The Faith & mental health folder has guides on grief and mourning in different faiths.

• Ask about family stories and heirlooms first
• Talk about what happened in another family
• Offer to help organise papers, without asking what’s in them
• Use a written list instead of a face-to-face talk

In a 2021 Gallup poll, 55% of white adults had a will compared with 28% of adults of colour, and people with lower incomes were much less likely to have one. Free legal aid and community programs can help close these gaps.

The Money in families & relationships guide talks about family money messages that can make these talks harder.

The Legal Services Corporation funds legal aid for people with low incomes, with a search tool to find your local program. LawHelp.org offers legal information and free forms.

USA.gov lists more options, including law school pro bono programs and help with legal forms. Your local bar association can also point you to free legal aid.

You can find lawyers through online directories, your local library or your local bar association. Ask about fees before making an appointment.

Questions to ask

• Do you work with wills and estates regularly?
• What do you charge, and what does that include?
• Can you help with beneficiary forms and power of attorney too?
• How often should I review my plan?

A fireproof and waterproof safe can protect documents. If the originals are in a bank safe deposit box, keep copies at home, and tell someone you trust where they are.