Adoptive parents: attachment, talking about adoption & your wellbeing

Some parents have lived through pregnancy loss, fertility treatment that didn’t work, or letting go of the dream of a genetically related child. Infertility can also strain a couple’s relationship.

Making peace with your own feelings about why you adopted helps you support your child’s feelings about adoption.

Adoptive parents may not feel like “real” parents, or may wonder if they were meant to be parents. Some watch anxiously for signs their child is rejecting them.

Long waits and paperwork can leave parents feeling helpless. Some respond by becoming less engaged; others try to regain control by becoming strict or overprotective, which can create tension.

Building your own resilience supports your child’s resilience and your family’s long-term wellbeing.

A child adopted as a baby may have no memories of before. A child adopted from foster care may remember people, homes and schools they lost. A child from another country may also lose a language and culture.

Children who missed early care may need to learn things younger children learn, like playing, taking turns or naming feelings. Breaking tasks into small steps gives them a sense of success.

School-age children feel more secure when rules and routines are consistent. Children who had many caregivers or lived in group settings may need extra time to learn how a family works.

Ideas

• A picture schedule for mornings and bedtimes
• Telling them what will happen next
• Using “In this house, we…” to explain rules gently
• Warning them before changes

Time-outs may not suit children who were hurt, have attachment difficulties or grew up in group care. Keeping the child near you until they calm down sends the message: “You’re having a hard time. I’m here to help.”

Fear of loss can show up as trouble sleeping or eating, nightmares or difficulty separating. Children may test you with misbehaviour.

Ways to show you’re staying

• Buy a photo album with spaces for school photos through high school
• Involve them in planning future family events
• Practise short goodbyes and always return when you say you will
• Tell them, often, that you will be their parent forever

Anger and difficult behaviour often ease after children have been able to vent and work through their feelings. Rushing in to cheer up a grieving child can make them doubt their feelings.

Try naming it gently: “You seem sad. I wonder if you’re thinking about your birth family.”

Children, especially those adopted from foster care, may project feelings of rejection, anger and abandonment onto adoptive parents. It is painful, but it can be a sign of trust and a way of communicating.

Children who lack details about their history may invent stories to protect themselves from not knowing. Many also fantasise about birth parents coming back.

Invite them to talk about these thoughts, and tell them it’s normal to imagine how life might have been.

Sometimes the effects of trauma don’t show until adolescence. Effects that seemed to have gone away may suddenly reappear.

What helps

• A calm, non-judging space for big feelings
• Being available even when your teen keeps you at a distance
• Discipline that builds connection rather than isolation
• Noticing triggers like certain noises, smells or dates

Try saying

• “Birth mother/father”, “biological mother/father” or “first mother/father”
• “Your birth parents had grown-up problems, so they couldn’t take care of a child.”
• “They made a plan for you to be adopted.”
• “You were adopted” (something that happened, not who you are)

Try not to say

• “Real” or “natural” mother/father
• “They gave you up.”
• “We couldn’t have our own baby.”

• “She gave you up because she loved you so much.” A child may wonder if you will send them away because you love them too.
• “We chose you, you’re special.” Being chosen implies first being “unchosen”.
• “You’re so lucky to be adopted.” No child should have to feel grateful for having a family.

Talking only about how wonderful adoption is can ignore what your child lost. To heal, a child needs room to grieve and be angry.

Sadness, anger and behaviour changes are normal as children learn more about their history. Tell them it’s natural to think about birth family and feel sad about losses.

You can share your own feelings too: “I’m sad I didn’t get to be with you when you were a baby, and I’m happy your birth mother had you and that you came to live with me.”

Tips

• Be direct that you’re happy to talk about adoption and birth family
• Be patient if they don’t want to talk right away
• Help them see birth parents as whole people, with strengths and struggles
• Talk side by side, like in the car
• Use TV shows or news as openings

Let your teen know wanting a connection with birth family is not disloyal, and that you will support it.

A lifebook records your child’s history through photos, keepsakes and meaningful items. It can help them understand their story and work through loss at each stage.

You could say

• “I bet your birth mother is thinking about you today.”
• “I wonder if you miss the people who took care of you before you came here.”

Avoid comments that might make a child worry about birth parents’ welfare, like “I bet she misses you so much.”

Myth vs. reality

• “Birth families will try to reclaim the child.” Adoption is a legal transfer of parental rights.
• “Children will be confused about who their parents are.” Most aren’t; lacking information is more likely to cause identity struggles.
• “Contact makes grief worse.” Contact can support healing for both the child and birth family.

Post-adoption contact agreements describe how and how often families will stay in touch. About 29 states and Washington, D.C. allow written, enforceable agreements. In no state can a dispute over contact undo an adoption.

Agreements may need to change as your child grows. A sudden drop in contact can hurt a child who doesn’t understand why, so let each other know about changes.

Follow any court orders about contact. If there are safety concerns, contact may be supervised, arranged through a caseworker or therapist, or limited to letters and photos via a private mailbox or email address.

Mediation with a neutral adoption professional can help families agree on contact or adjust it.

Some children are contacted by birth relatives online without their parents knowing. Talk ahead of time about how your child might feel and respond.

Tips

• Agree with birth family on what is shared online
• Be careful about posting your child’s story; it is theirs to tell
• Get advice from your agency before answering an unexpected request
• Set privacy settings and know which apps your child uses

• Feeling numb, disconnected or guilty about not feeling “enough”
• Irritability, worry or trouble sleeping that won’t ease
• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
• Pulling away from friends and family

Parenting a traumatised child can strain relationships and lead to “secondary trauma”: headaches or low energy, avoiding people, anxiety or loneliness, or trouble concentrating. A child’s struggles can also stir up a parent’s own past hurts.

• Accepting offers of meals, rides or babysitting
• Adjusting expectations of yourself, your child and others
• Joining an adoptive parent support group
• Protecting sleep and rest where you can
• Seeing a therapist who understands adoption
• Taking turns with a partner or friend for breaks

• Asking the parents what words the family uses
• Bringing a meal or offering practical help
• Speaking kindly about the child’s birth family
• Treating the child exactly like other grandchildren, nieces or nephews

• Asking about the child’s past in front of them
• Calling the child “lucky”
• Calling birth parents the child’s “real” parents
• Saying “You’ll probably get pregnant now”

Children with poor social skills may be excluded or picked on, so peer problems shouldn’t be ignored. If a disability is suspected, ask for an assessment and talk with the school about support.

Share only what the teacher needs to know. Your child’s story is theirs.