When families come back together

Routines, roles and relationships often shift while someone is away. The person returning may expect to step back into an old place that no longer exists in the same way.

Things that often change

• Children’s ages, interests, friends and schools
• Who does which jobs at home
• House rules and bedtimes
• How each person copes with stress

After foster care, parents often feel happy and relieved, and also stressed, unsure, or sad about missed time. Children may miss the people who cared for them while they were apart.

Feelings families describe

• Anger about why the separation happened
• Feeling like strangers at first
• Grief for lost time
• Guilt, on all sides
• Relief and deep happiness

Military OneSource describes stages after deployment: the reunion in the first few days, a bumpy “reintegration” period in the first several weeks, and then a “new normal” that can take several months to a year. Many families in other situations describe a similar pattern.

Once home, parents often feel happy and relieved, and also stressed, unsure, sad about missed time, or hurt if a child talks fondly about the foster family.

What helps

• Be patient with yourself and your children
• Keep using services and supports after the case closes
• Parent mentors who have been through it can be a huge support
• Remember that asking for help is a sign of strength, “bumps in the road” are expected

Children may miss foster family and friends, and find the rules, routines or food at home different.

Ways to help

• Keep familiar comfort items, like a blanket or a photo
• Let children know it’s okay to miss their foster family
• Explain new routines simply, and keep them steady
• Listen without getting defensive when they share feelings

A friendly relationship between birth parents and foster parents can make the child’s move home much easier. The Child Welfare Information Gateway’s guide for parents also describes the team that works with families, parents’ rights, and making a reunification plan with a caseworker.

Teens who had been separated reported more anxiety and depression in the first years after arriving. The encouraging part: five years later, those symptoms had eased.

Common experiences

• A child missing the relative who raised them back home
• Feeling like strangers at first
• Learning a new language, school and culture all at once
• Parents feeling hurt or guilty about lost time

Ideas

• Give the bond time to rebuild, through small daily moments
• Honor the caregiver who raised the child, and keep that connection if possible
• Seek counselors who understand your culture and language
• Talk openly about the time apart and why it happened

A parent’s return from prison can bring hope and worry at the same time. Children may be excited, angry, shy or unsure. The parent who stayed home may have built new routines and may be cautious about sharing parenting again.

Having a parent in prison can affect a child’s mental health, social life and schooling, so children may need extra patience during the return.

Caregivers can help children know what to expect: where the parent will live, how often they will see them, and what they will do together. Children can also be told that the separation was not their fault and that their parent loves them.

Contact during incarceration, like calls, letters and visits, is linked with a better parent-child relationship after release.

Ideas

• Go slowly, and let children set some of the pace
• Keep promises small and keep them
• Respect the routines the caregiver built
• Talk honestly, at the child’s level
• Use re-entry and family support programs

Federal guidance for families going through reentry focuses on keeping communication and relationships going, handling stress and emotions, and caregivers looking after their own wellbeing as well as the children’s.

What helps

• Be patient with yourself and everyone else
• Don’t overschedule the first weeks
• Make one-on-one time with your partner and each child
• Talk about how roles and routines may change

Military OneSource offers free, confidential counseling for individuals, couples and families, and installations have family support centers. You can reach Military OneSource any time at 800-342-9647.

If a returning family member seems very on edge, numb, can’t sleep, or is drinking more for weeks, it may be more than normal adjusting. Encourage them to talk to a professional, and get support for yourself too.

Babies may react to changes in their schedule, surroundings or their caregiver’s mood. Toddlers may cry, have tantrums, or sleep poorly, especially if a caregiver is struggling.

What helps

• Keep feeding and sleep routines steady
• Let the familiar caregiver stay close at first
• Lots of gentle physical closeness
• Short, calm play times with the returning parent

Preschoolers may think a parent left because they were “bad”. They may become clingy or have toileting setbacks. School-age children may be moody, whiny or aggressive, or struggle at school.

What helps

• Say clearly that the separation was not their fault
• Accept their feelings, and repeat reassurance often
• Keep school and bedtime routines steady
• Use stories, drawing or play to talk about it

Teens may become angry and act out, or withdraw. They may not like new family roles and responsibilities after a parent returns.

What helps

• Ask for their ideas on family rules and roles
• Respect the responsibility they took on while the parent was away
• Spend low-pressure time together, like car rides or meals
• Watch for risk-taking and talk calmly about it

Questions to talk through

• Which house rules stay the same, and which change?
• Who handles discipline, money and school contact?
• What does each person need to feel respected?
• How will we make decisions when we disagree?

If the separation followed hurt, broken promises or safety concerns, trust may come back slowly. That is normal, and it can’t be rushed.

What helps

• Apologize simply when you get it wrong
• Be consistent, even on hard days
• Do what you say you will do
• Let others set some of the pace

Making one-on-one time with your partner, being patient, and talking openly about how roles may change all help couples reconnect after time apart.

Reconnecting doesn’t always mean the hurt is resolved. Many people start small: a message, a short call, or meeting in a public place for a set time.

Before you reach out

• Get clear on what you hope for, and what you can accept
• Have support lined up for afterwards
• Decide on a boundary you will keep
• Expect it might take several tries

If a relationship involved abuse or ongoing harm, staying apart can be the healthiest choice. You don’t owe anyone a reunion.

Some foster care systems offer “parent partners”: parents who were once in the same situation, brought their children home, and are trained to help others.

Military families can find peer-to-peer support with others who have been through deployment, and installations offer family support centers.

Telling the school about a reunion, like a parent returning from deployment or prison, helps teachers understand changes in a child’s mood or focus and offer support.

Case managers and family navigators can link returning parents with housing, jobs, health and mental health services. Parenting programs, support groups and child care help can make a big difference.