Growing up with an abusive parent

It can look like

• Being blamed for the parent’s anger or problems
• Being called stupid, ugly, a mistake, or worse
• Being ignored or frozen out as punishment
• Being shamed or humiliated in front of others
• Threats: “I’ll send you away,” “I wish you were never born”

The American Academy of Pediatrics warns that harsh verbal discipline, like shaming or humiliation, is linked to mental health problems in preteens and teens.

The Emotional abuse & gaslighting guide goes deeper into how this kind of harm works.

It can look like

• Being hurt and told to hide the marks
• Hitting, kicking, shaking, choking or burning
• Living in fear of the next explosion
• Throwing things at a child

Some families call this “discipline.” The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against spanking: it doesn’t teach self-control and may affect normal brain development.

Sexual abuse by a parent or step-parent is a deep betrayal of trust. It often comes with secrecy, threats or being told it’s “special” or “normal.”

The Childhood sexual abuse guide has gentle sections on why telling is so hard and how healing happens.

The RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: 1-800-656-4673.

It can look like

• Being left alone too young or for too long
• No one noticing or caring how you feel
• Not being taken to the doctor when sick or hurt
• Often going hungry or without clean clothes

The CDC counts emotional needs too: neglect includes not giving a child emotional support and validation. The Growing up too fast guide covers the care children didn’t get.

The CDC counts witnessing violence at home as an adverse childhood experience. Children are not just bystanders: some are hurt directly, and others are frightened witnesses.

See the section “Growing up around violence between parents” below, and the Children & domestic violence guide.

From childhood, we depend on caregivers for safety and support. To keep that bond, a child may explain away the abuse or decide they deserved it.

Blaming yourself can also give a feeling of control: “If it’s my fault, maybe I can stop it.” That was a clever way for a child’s mind to survive. It was never the truth.

• Feeling love for the parent is not your fault
• Keeping a secret you were told to keep is not your fault
• No behavior by a child makes abuse okay
• Not telling sooner is not your fault
• Stress, alcohol or a parent’s own past explain, but never excuse

Kids find ways to get through: going quiet, being “perfect,” hiding in their room, or looking after younger siblings. These were smart ways to cope with something no child should face.

Some of these habits can stick around later. The Adult children of abusive parents guide talks about gently letting them go.

Ways to start

• “Can I talk to you about something at home?”
• “I don’t feel safe at home.”
• Bring a friend with you for support
• Write it in a note if saying it out loud is too hard

If the first adult doesn’t help, keep telling until someone does. That isn’t your failure. It just means you haven’t reached the right person yet.

Childhelp is for anyone affected by child abuse, including kids and teens. You can call, text or chat, 24/7, in many languages.

Counselors may ask your age and area but not your name. Childhelp isn’t a reporting line, but if you share where a child is being harmed right now, they may pass that on to keep the child safe.

A simple plan can include

• A code word to text a friend that means “get help”
• Numbers you know by heart: 911, Childhelp, 988
• Safe places nearby, like a neighbor’s or friend’s house
• The safest spot at home, with a door or near an exit

The National Runaway Safeline supports young people in crisis, including problems at home and abuse. It’s open 24/7 at 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-786-2929), with online chat too.

They can help you think through safe options, so you don’t end up somewhere more dangerous.

Teachers, counselors and doctors are often required to report child abuse. That can feel scary, but its purpose is to protect you. The CPS: what to know guide explains what happens next.

You can ask questions: “Who will you tell?” “Will my parent know it was me?” “What happens tonight?”

It can look like

• Being told “don’t upset your father/mother”
• Feeling guilty for loving the parent who hurts you
• Feeling responsible for a parent’s safety or mood
• Keeping secrets to stop a fight or protect the other parent

Taking care of a parent’s feelings is a heavy job for a child. The Growing up too fast guide covers this “little adult” role.

Some families never talk about the abuse. Children learn not to trust what they see and feel. Naming it, even just to yourself, is an important step.

The Breaking the cycle guide helps you explore the unspoken rules in your family story.

Abusive parents can seem kind or respected outside the home. This can make a child doubt themselves, or fear no one will believe them.

Some parents single out one child for blame or harshness. Being the target is not a sign that something is wrong with you.

The “Golden child & scapegoat” section of the Narcissistic parents guide explains these roles.

Most parents who were maltreated as children do not abuse or neglect their own children.

Support, warm relationships and freedom from violence at home are linked to breaking the cycle.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says spanking doesn’t teach responsibility or self-control, and may harm normal brain development. Children spanked often at age 3 were more aggressive at age 5.

The CDC includes emotional abuse, like name-calling, shaming and rejection, and neglect of emotional needs in its definition of child abuse and neglect.

People can feel deeply attached to someone who harms them, especially caregivers they depended on as children.

The CDC notes that money stress raises the risk: children in lower-income families experience abuse and neglect at about five times the rate of others. But abuse happens across all kinds of families, and many cases are never reported.

Helpful things to say

• “I believe you.”
• “I’m glad you told me.”
• “It’s not your fault.”
• “What would help right now?”

Try not to

• Ask “Are you sure?” or “Why didn’t you tell sooner?”
• Defend the parent or say “they did their best”
• Promise to keep it a secret
• Share their story with people who don’t need to know

1. Stay calm and listen. You don’t need every detail.
2. Tell them honestly that you need to get help to keep them safe.
3. Call Childhelp (1-800-422-4453) for guidance, or report to your state’s child protective services.
4. If the child is in danger right now, call 911.

The Child abuse & neglect guide covers reporting in more detail, and the CPS: what to know guide explains what happens after.

The CDC lists caring adults outside the family, who can be role models or mentors, as a protective factor for children. A coach, teacher or neighbor who shows up again and again can matter a lot.

• Check in often, in small, ordinary ways
• Keep your word, even on little things
• Notice and name their strengths
• Offer a safe, calm place to be