Being adopted: identity, feelings & searching for roots

People adopted as infants can still feel loss, curiosity or a sense of rejection, even with a loving family and no memories of their birth family.

Many adoptions used to be “closed”, with no contact and no identifying information. Since the 1980s and 1990s, more adoptions have some openness, from shared letters to regular visits.

If you were adopted as an older child, you may also have lost friends, foster families, pets, schools and neighbourhoods. Some people were separated from brothers and sisters.

Hard experiences before adoption can affect how safe the world feels. That isn’t your fault, and it can get easier with support.

People adopted from another country, or into a family of a different culture or race, may also lose a cultural connection or a language.

Some adoptees visit their birth country, learn the language or connect with others from the same background. There is no right age or right way to do this.

Being raised by a grandparent, aunt, uncle or step-parent can keep you close to family. It can also bring confusing feelings about why your parents couldn’t raise you, or loyalty worries between relatives.

Adopted people may lose their birth family, including siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Some also lose a culture, a language or a familiar place.

This loss usually starts early and can affect people throughout life. Gaining a family and losing one can both be true.

A sense of rejection can affect self-esteem and belonging. It can also lead people to avoid situations or relationships for fear of being hurt.

Birth parents place children or lose them for many reasons, often about their own circumstances at the time. It was never about your worth.

You might feel ashamed that your birth parents couldn’t raise you, or guilty for being curious about them. Shame can lower self-esteem and make it harder to give and receive love.

Gentle reminders

• Being curious is not betrayal
• Shame shrinks when it’s shared with someone safe
• What adults decided was not your fault
• You are allowed to take up space in both stories

Grief can be strongest in the teen years, as you understand more about the separation from your birth family. It can come back at milestones, like birthdays, graduations, weddings or the birth of a child.

Your birth parents are your parents, but they didn’t raise you. You were born into one family and raised in another. Some adopted people describe their identity as feeling incomplete or contradictory at times.

Some adopted people keep an emotional distance or hold back from commitment, often without meaning to, to avoid another loss. Trust can take longer.

Closeness is a skill that can grow with safe people. A therapist who understands adoption can help if this feels stuck.

Adults made life-changing choices for you. Some teens who were adopted push back hard against parents, teachers or coaches, which can be a way of trying to win back that lost control.

Resilience, the ability to adapt well to hard things, can be learned and grows through healthy relationships. It can help you feel more in charge of your own life.

Many adopted people feel low or restless around their birthday without knowing why. Your birthday marks the start of your life and, for many, the start of a loss too.

Ideas that some people find helpful

• Do one quiet thing just for you
• Let one trusted person know it can be a hard day
• Plan a celebration that feels right, big or small
• Write a few lines about how you feel this year

You might want to celebrate your adoptive parents and also think about your birth parents. Holding both is not disloyal.

Ideas

• Light a candle or say a few words for your birth parents
• Spend the day with the parent or parents who raised you
• Take a break from social media if it feels like too much
• Write a card you may or may not send

Identity questions often come up around birthdays, holidays, births and deaths. Becoming a parent yourself, and seeing your own features in a child, can be especially powerful.

Without genetic, medical, religious and family history, you may wonder why you were placed, whether you have siblings, and who you look like. Access to health information is important for your wellbeing.

Some teens worry they will “inherit” a birth parent’s struggles. Your choices, relationships and support matter a great deal in who you become.

Many adopted people want to know how their birth relatives look and act, and whether they share traits.

Things that may help

• Noticing the ways you are like your adoptive family, in humour, values or habits
• Seeing photos of birth family, if any exist
• Spending time with others who share your background
• Talking with other adoptees who know this feeling

Teens whose race or ethnicity is different from their adoptive parents, or unknown, may wonder where they fit in their family and community. Many want to spend time with people of a similar background.

A seven-year study of 116 Korean American adoptees found that when parents, and later friends, helped them learn about their heritage, they explored and felt more settled in their ethnic identity.

Gaps in identity can show up when a family-themed school assignment, like a family tree, comes along.

Options

• Ask to show your family in a different way, like a family “orchard” with more than one tree
• Choose what you share and what you keep private
• Talk with a parent or teacher before it’s due

A “lifebook” records your history, key events and important people. Some adopted teens create photo essays, videos or blogs to tell their story.

You could say

• “Can I ask you some questions about when I was born?”
• “I love you, and I’ve been thinking about my birth family. Can we talk about that?”
• “I’m not upset with you. I just want to understand my story.”
• “Is there anything about my adoption you haven’t told me yet?”

Some adoptive parents feel worried or unsure when birth family comes up. That doesn’t mean your questions are wrong.

Things to try

• Ask for a calm time to try again
• Bring in a counsellor who understands adoption
• Find another trusted adult to talk with
• Write your questions down and share them

Teens who search for birth relatives often need emotional support from their adoptive parents, help setting realistic expectations, and preparation for different outcomes.

Social media can connect people very fast. If a birth relative contacts you online, tell a parent or trusted adult so you can decide together what to do.

• What am I hoping to find?
• What would I do if the news is hard, or if no one wants contact?
• Who will support me through this?
• Is this a good time in my life?
• What am I ready to share about myself?

Reading about others’ experiences and talking with people who have searched can help. Support groups for adopted people can offer comfort and practical tips.

A therapist who understands adoption can help you prepare and process what you find.

Some people never want to search. Some wait until after a big life event, or until a parent has died. Some start, pause and start again years later.

After adoption, a new birth certificate lists your adoptive parents. About half of U.S. states let adults access their original birth certificate, which names birth parents. In others, you may need to ask a court.

Laws keep changing, so check your birth state’s current rules.

This can include birth parents’ ages, looks, race, ethnicity, religion, education, medical history, the reason for placement, and whether they had other children.

Nearly all states let adults who were adopted request it, usually in writing and usually from age 18.

About 30 states and Puerto Rico have mutual consent registries. Both the adopted person and the birth relative register separately, and a match is made only if both have signed up.

Some states use a confidential intermediary, a person approved by the court to search and ask birth relatives whether they agree to contact.

DNA testing sites and social media have made finding relatives much easier. Because contact can happen quickly, you may lose time to pause and think. Planning slow, gradual contact gives everyone time.

Stay safe

• Check privacy settings and turn off location tags on photos
• Decide in advance how you’ll respond to a match
• Remember that people online are not always honest
• Remember that posts can be shared beyond your control

“Search angels” are volunteers with search experience who help for free. Reputable professional searchers respect your pace and won’t move to contact unless you ask.

The Child Welfare Information Gateway’s National Foster Care & Adoption Directory lists search and reunion support by state.

The U.S. agency may be able to share the name of the agency or orphanage abroad, and sometimes medical or family details. Building a contact in your birth country can take time.

U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services may share copies of immigration records through a Freedom of Information Act request.

You may fear rejection, feel anger toward birth parents, resent siblings who were raised by them, or worry about your adoptive parents’ reaction.

Tips

• Agree on what each of you does and doesn’t want to share
• Keep early messages short and simple
• Let the other person respond in their own time
• Plan something calming for after

Birth parents may have long-buried feelings, or may never have told a partner or children. Patience helps everyone.

Family members may not want to be found, and contact doesn’t always lead to acceptance or a relationship.

Ways to cope

• Ask whether they would share medical history, even without contact
• Grieve this as a real loss
• Lean on your support people
• Remember that their answer reflects their life, not your value

Reunions can bring joy, awkwardness, disappointment or all three. Relationships often take time to find a pace that suits everyone.

Keep in mind

• A honeymoon period may fade, and that’s normal
• It’s okay to pause contact if you need to
• You can have room in your life for both families
• Your adoptive family may need reassurance too

• “Do you want to talk about it, or just hang out?”
• “That sounds like a lot to carry.”
• “I’m here whether you search or not.”
• Remembering that birthdays or Mother’s Day might be hard

• “Do you know your real parents?”
• “You should just be grateful.”
• “You’re so lucky you were chosen.”
• “Why would you want to find someone who gave you away?”

Telling adopted people they are “lucky” can make them feel they are not allowed to grieve.