Spiritual bypassing: when spirituality is used to skip real pain

A review of 49 studies found that positive religious coping, like seeking comfort and support from God or a faith community, was linked to better adjustment to stress.

Bypassing is about how a belief is used, not the belief itself. The same prayer or teaching can help you face pain, or help you hide from it.

When something hurts, it is natural to reach for comfort. Experts interviewed about bypassing noted that it is not always unhealthy, for example as a short-term way to get through a crisis.

It becomes a problem when it is the only way you deal with pain, or when it keeps you from getting help you need.

Real peace often comes after feelings have been felt and shared. Bypassed peace can feel thin, tense or forced, and the pain tends to come back in other ways.

Some people find deep comfort in this belief over time. But said too soon, it can feel like pain is being explained away instead of acknowledged.

Gentler words

• “I’m so sorry. This is really hard.”
• “You don’t have to make sense of it right now.”
• “I’m here, whatever you’re feeling.”

Prayer can be a real comfort. But suggesting that depression, anxiety or trauma would lift with enough faith can bring shame and delay care.

Wanting a positive space is understandable. But when only happy feelings are allowed, people learn to hide what they really feel.

Forgiveness is honoured in many traditions. Healthy forgiveness usually takes time and does not require pretending you were not hurt, staying in danger, or keeping quiet about harm.

Ideas like karma have rich, varied meanings in their own traditions. Used to explain away someone’s illness, poverty or abuse, they can add blame to pain.

Anger often signals that something is wrong or a boundary has been crossed. Many sacred texts include people crying out in anger and grief. Feeling anger is not the same as acting cruelly.

Welwood described bypassing as trying to skip past basic human needs and feelings too early. Having needs, feelings and relationship troubles is part of being human, however spiritual you are.

Grief, trauma and shame can feel overwhelming. Spiritual ideas can offer a quick sense of relief and control.

If you grew up hearing that sadness shows weak faith, or that anger is sinful, it makes sense to push those feelings down.

If everyone around you seems peaceful, admitting you are struggling can feel risky. Fear of judgement can keep pain hidden.

An early study of spiritual bypassing looked at college students and found that difficulty identifying feelings and lower mindfulness helped explain depression and anxiety, beyond spirituality itself.

Feelings that are not felt often find another way out: trouble sleeping, snapping at people, feeling flat, or sudden tears that seem to come from nowhere.

Bypassing can turn normal feelings into proof that you are failing spiritually. A review of 49 studies found that negative religious coping, like feeling punished or abandoned by God, was linked to poorer adjustment to stress.

Partners, friends and family may feel shut out or brushed off. Saying “I’m fine, it’s all part of the plan” can leave others unsure how to reach you.

Depression, trauma, addiction or an unsafe relationship may need more than spiritual practice alone. Seeing a professional is not a lack of faith.

Healthy acceptance means letting your feelings be there without fighting them. That is very different from pretending they do not exist.

Many people find peace in letting go of what they cannot control. Healthy surrender still includes caring for your body, seeking help and protecting yourself.

Being loving does not mean having no boundaries. You can wish someone well and still keep yourself safe from them.

Meditation can be used to float above feelings, or to sit gently with them. In an early study, mindfulness helped explain lower depression and anxiety beyond spirituality alone.

Many sacred texts and traditions include laments, cries for help and honest questions to God or the Divine. Bringing your real feelings to your practice can be a deeply spiritual act.

When struggling is seen as a lack of faith or progress, people hide their pain. Communities that welcome honesty help everyone feel safer.

Spiritual words should never be used to keep someone quiet about abuse. Speaking up about harm is not a spiritual failure.

A leader who says they have risen above ego, anger or desire may be harder to hold to account. Healthy leaders admit they are human.

• Encourage people to seek counselling or medical care
• Hold space for grief and anger
• Take reports of harm seriously
• Welcome honest questions and doubt

• “I believe God is with me, and I feel alone right now.”
• “I want to forgive, and I am still angry.”
• “I trust the universe, and I am scared.”
• “My practice helps me, and I also need support.”

• Journal your prayers or reflections honestly
• Light a candle for a loss and let yourself cry
• Meditate by noticing feelings instead of clearing them
• Tell God, the Divine or the universe exactly how you feel

Choose someone who listens without fixing, preaching or judging: a friend, a support group, a chaplain or a therapist.

Believing in an afterlife or a greater plan does not mean you should not miss someone. Grief is love continuing.

• Ask: “How do you work with clients’ faith or spirituality?”
• Look for terms like “spiritually integrated” or “faith-sensitive”
• Notice whether you feel respected, not judged or pushed

A trusted faith leader who understands mental health can help you bring faith and feelings together, and connect you with professional care when needed.