When someone you love is in a high-control group

ICSA explains that most people in these groups have education and intelligence levels similar to everyone else. Some are idealistic, some are going through a life change, and some were born into a movement.

A long-standing handbook for families adds that getting drawn in is not about intelligence or mental illness. It comes from ordinary human openness being used against someone, often through deception.

ICSA compares joining to starting a relationship with someone who later shows a darker side. Groups don’t always reveal their controlling nature at the start.

Once someone has invested in a group, it becomes harder to admit that what first seemed good was something else. That’s a very human pattern, not a character flaw.

The guide “How high-control groups recruit & hold on” explains this process in depth.

ICSA’s handbook for families encourages thinking of a loved one’s involvement as “a situation to manage, not a problem to solve.” It asks families to bring patience and creativity, and to let thoughts and feelings work together.

Dr. Steven Hassan, a licensed mental health counselor with decades of work in this field, also describes change as a process that unfolds over time, built from many small, consistent interactions.

ICSA lists pressure to cut ties with family and friends, and to spend time only with other members, among the patterns linked with high-control groups.

The BITE Model, created by Dr. Steven Hassan, notes that controlling groups often teach members to distrust critics and former members. Family can end up in that category.

Psychiatrist Robert Jay Lifton called this “loading the language”: complex questions get reduced to rigid slogans and clichés. It can make honest conversation feel impossible.

If you hear the same phrases again and again, try not to mock them. Gently asking what a word means to them can keep things open.

ICSA notes that in high-control groups, doubt and disagreement are discouraged and sometimes punished. Lifton described “doctrine over person”: when a member’s own experience clashes with the teaching, the experience is treated as the problem.

Heavy demands on time, a strong focus on making money, and constant recruiting are all on ICSA’s list of patterns linked with high-control groups.

Exhaustion matters. Intense routines can leave little energy to think things through.

An “us versus them” outlook, a leader who answers to no one, and the belief that the goal justifies any means are patterns ICSA describes.

Lifton called the most extreme form “dispensing of existence”: the idea that only insiders truly matter.

ICSA lists leaders dictating choices about relationships, jobs, clothing, living arrangements and children. The BITE Model calls this behavior control.

The guide “High-control groups & your health decisions” covers control over food, sleep and health care.

Sociologist Janja Lalich describes “bounded choice.” Members make choices that seem irrational to outsiders but fit perfectly within the group’s beliefs, and often within their own highest ideals.

This means your loved one is probably not ignoring their values. They may believe they are living them more fully than ever.

Researcher Alexandra Stein uses attachment theory to explain how controlling leaders shape members’ closest relationships. Mixing fear with affection, and cutting people off from outside bonds, can weaken independent thinking.

This is why staying a warm, safe person outside the group matters so much. You are a reminder that comfort can exist without fear.

The BITE Model describes “emotional control,” including installing phobias that make members afraid to question or leave. These fears can feel completely real.

ICSA also notes that, as with domestic abuse, psychological pressure can make it very hard to use independent judgment. “Why don’t they just leave?” has no simple answer.

Hassan describes a “dual identity”: the person’s authentic self and a group identity layered on top. His approach aims to reach and strengthen the authentic self.

Moments when your loved one laughs at an old joke or asks about a pet may be glimpses of that authentic self. Notice and welcome them.

SIA encourages warm, positive relationships between members and their families. Calls, letters and visits that carry no pressure help keep the bond alive.

The approach aims to restore the person’s creative, independent authentic self and help them make sense of the experience.

Shared memories, old interests and family stories can all speak to that self.

Hassan advises families to ask questions with genuine curiosity rather than trying to win arguments, and to avoid angry, judgmental or confrontational exchanges.

Hassan warns that families often rush to “fix the problem” alone, which can make things worse. He suggests learning first, building a team of family and friends, and getting professional guidance early.

His book Freedom of Mind is the handbook for the approach and describes how to form a team.

In past decades, some families used forced “deprogramming.” Hassan describes his own shift away from it toward voluntary, respectful exit counseling, and presents SIA as a legal, non-coercive alternative.

Therapist Rachel Bernstein, writing for ICSA, suggests listening first and avoiding debates about the group or its teachings.

Being heard is something your loved one may not get much of in the group. You can offer it freely.

Bernstein recommends sending “forever messages”: that they always have a home, are loved without conditions, and will be respected.

You might say

• “Whatever happens, you can always come home.”
• “I love you, no conditions.”
• “You never have to explain yourself to me to be welcome.”

Sending music, photos or mementos from before the group is one way to communicate without a debate.

These can quietly remind your loved one of who they are, outside the group.

Bernstein notes that looking at the group’s materials, or even attending a gathering, can show respect and make your loved one more willing to look at what you share later.

Bernstein suggests asking a question out loud and saying they don’t have to answer. People often keep thinking about it anyway.

She also suggests asking what draws them to the group and what they were promised, so they can weigh those promises against what is really happening.

Gentle examples

• “What first drew you in? What did you hope it would give you?”
• “Is it turning out the way you expected?”
• “What would you tell a friend who felt the way you did at the start?”

If they will only talk with a group member present, Bernstein suggests considering it. If things are strained, another relative or friend can make first contact.

Agreeing on “ground rules” for hard talks, and inviting feedback when something goes wrong, can make conversations feel safer for both of you.

Bernstein’s advice is direct: don’t argue and don’t try to prove them wrong. Hassan also advises against trying to argue someone out of their beliefs.

Bernstein advises not using the word “cult” with your loved one, because it usually gets nowhere. Talking about specific experiences, like sleep, money or time with family, often works better.

Bernstein suggests avoiding blame, accusing them of hurting you, and sarcasm. Your loved one may already be surrounded by shame and guilt in the group.

Watch your tone and body language too. Nonverbal signals can carry criticism even when your words are kind.

ICSA’s handbook warns that disconnection is often a controlling group’s goal. Even brief, light contact keeps a thread in place.

Hassan notes that families who try to fix things alone without preparation often make the situation worse. Learning, planning and getting support first gives you a better chance.

Forced deprogramming is a thing of the past for good reasons. Hassan presents non-coercive approaches as the legal and ethical path.

The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is open 24/7 by call or text at 1-800-422-4453. Counselors can talk through your worries and explain how to make a report.

Childhelp itself is not a reporting line and is not connected to 911. If a child is in immediate danger, call 911.

Hassan applies his approach to controlling relationships as well as groups. If your loved one is controlled by a partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

The guide “Coercive control” explains this pattern in couples, families and groups.

If you believe your loved one is in immediate danger, call 911. If they are thinking about suicide, you can call or text 988 for guidance on how to help.

The guide “High-control groups & your health decisions” covers control over medical care, food and sleep.

Your loved one may feel deep shame. ICSA notes shame and fear stop many former members from talking about leaving at all. A warm welcome makes it easier to open up.

ICSA explains there is no one-size-fits-all rule. Many professionals believe understanding the experience can ease its impact, but some people can’t reflect on it right away.

ICSA notes that former members may move through grief-like stages in no fixed order. “Just move on” is a myth.

Research has found that at least a substantial minority of former members have significant adjustment difficulties after leaving. Patience and support matter.

Leaving can mean losing housing, work, money and friends all at once. The guide “Leaving a high-control group” covers practical first steps and safety.

The guide “Healing after a high-control group” covers recovery, identity and finding cult-informed therapists. If your loved one was raised in the group, see “Born or raised in a high-control group.”

Hassan notes that anger, frustration and resentment often go unaddressed in families. Saying them out loud to someone safe can ease the pressure.

Grieving someone who is still alive but feels far away is a real loss. The guide “Different kinds of loss” talks about this kind of grief.

ICSA’s Professional Network Directory lists support groups and specialist service providers for families and former members.

ICSA encourages families to look after their own emotional wellbeing alongside supporting their loved one.

Rest, time with friends and things you enjoy are not selfish. A calmer you is a stronger bridge.

Hassan’s approach includes healing old family wounds in a safe setting and long-term support for both the member and family.

Family members may disagree on what to do. Talking it through, maybe with a counselor, helps you act as a team.

The International Cultic Studies Association offers information, an online library and a Professional Network Directory of support groups and service providers. It does not provide counseling itself.

Hassan’s center recommends starting with his books Combating Cult Mind Control and Freedom of Mind, and offers consultation for families. Check its website for current availability.

988 is free, confidential and open 24/7. You can call, text, or chat at 988lifeline.org if you are overwhelmed or worried about someone’s safety.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.