Jewish mourning traditions & healing from grief

The tradition does not expect the newly bereaved to pray, host or comfort others. Their task is simply to care for the dead and get through the next hours.

One writer suggests that giving mourners the funeral arrangements meets a strong urge to keep doing something for the person who died, and helps counter the feeling of being lifeless yourself.

A chevra kadisha (“holy society”) is a Jewish burial society. Its volunteers perform tahara, the ritual washing and preparation of the body, and may also support mourners.

Some families also ask a shomer, a guard, to sit with the body before burial, so that the person is never left alone.

Many mourners find comfort in knowing that someone is caring for their loved one tenderly, according to tradition, while they cannot.

Traditional Jewish burial is plain and direct. One writer argues that this simplicity helps mourners accept that the death is real, rather than avoiding it: “Realism and simplicity are the characteristics of the Jewish burial.”

Traditional Judaism strongly opposes cremation, yet many Jews choose it, and many Jewish funeral homes and clergy will still help with the funeral and what follows.

Kriah means “tearing.” Close relatives (a child, parent, spouse or sibling) tear their clothing or cut a black ribbon, usually standing, at the funeral home before the service. The tear is on the left, over the heart, for a parent, and on the right for others.

It is described as a physical expression of grief and anger at the loss. The torn garment or ribbon is usually worn through shiva, but not on Shabbat or festivals.

Grief lives in the body. Kriah gives that pain a place to go, in a moment when many people feel frozen.

At kriah, mourners say a blessing ending “dayan ha’emet”: “Blessed are You, Adonai Our God, Ruler of the Universe, the True Judge.”

Some people find these words a comfort. Others find them very hard to say when they feel angry, confused or betrayed. Both reactions are human. Saying the blessing does not mean you have to feel at peace yet.

At many Jewish funerals, mourners and friends place earth on the coffin. One writer describes kriah, the eulogy, communal prayer and filling the grave as structured ways for mourners to release anger and sorrow.

Taking part is a final act of kindness for the person who died. If it feels like too much, you can step back. No one should be pushed beyond what they can bear.

The Mishnah already mentions providing a meal for mourners. (Mishnah Moed Katan 3:7) Today, friends or synagogue volunteers often prepare the first meal after the funeral, sometimes including hard-boiled eggs, which symbolise the cycle of life.

Grieving people often forget to eat. This custom quietly makes sure they are cared for by their community from the first hour home.

Each stage of Jewish mourning loosens the restrictions a little: from staying home during shiva, to going back to work in sheloshim, to a gradual return to normal feelings and humour by the end of the year.

The steps do not tell you how to feel. They give you a path to walk while your feelings catch up, at their own pace.

One writer notes that mixed feelings toward the person who died, like guilt or anger, “need to be worked through as a normal part of the process of grief.”

Even King David cried out for his son Absalom, who had rebelled against him: “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 19:1, JPS 1917) Love and pain can exist together, even in a complicated relationship.

Shiva, the minyan for Kaddish and the meal of condolence all bring people to the mourner. Attending prayer services also gently reconnects grieving people with their community.

Traditional guidance says: “Concern for the mourner should be paramount,” and “The consolers are not to speak until the mourner speaks.” Avoid small talk unrelated to the loss, and don’t wear the mourner out.

Helpful things to say

• “I’m so sorry.”
• “I’m here.”
• “Would you like to tell me about her?”
• A short, kind memory of the person.

Things to avoid

• “At least…” sentences.
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• Telling your own loss story at length.

Bringing food spares the family from cooking. It should be modest and practical. The rabbis of the Talmud ruled that such meals “should not be brought in ostentatious platters and baskets.”

Practical help

• Organise a meal schedule with others.
• Help set up chairs or prayer books for a shiva minyan.
• Offer school runs, shopping or dog walking.
• Check in again after shiva, when visitors stop coming.

When visiting is not possible, a written note of condolence is appropriate. Words of comfort are appropriate within the first year after a death.

Non-Jewish mourners, such as a colleague or neighbour, should also be comforted, in ways suited to their own traditions.

Support often fades after shiva. Put the sheloshim, the first Yizkor and the first yahrzeit in your calendar, and reach out on those days.

The traditional position was that full mourning was not observed for a baby who did not survive 30 days. In 1992, the Conservative movement’s law committee adopted a new position: after a full-term pregnancy, when a baby dies at any time after birth, parents should observe full mourning, say Kaddish for 30 days and keep the yahrzeit.

For earlier losses, more and more people, especially women, find it meaningful to hold a mourning rite. Some say a Mi Sheberach for healing after a miscarriage. Practice differs a great deal between communities.

A Reform perspective on My Jewish Learning says converts may say Kaddish for relatives who were not Jewish. Another article explains that even where Jewish law does not require it, it looks kindly on a convert who wishes to say Kaddish for a non-Jewish parent.

You may also be part of your relative’s own funeral customs. Honouring both is a way of honouring the whole person.

My Jewish Learning quotes Rabbi Kerry Olitzky: “anyone may take on the responsibility of reciting Kaddish.” Friends often say it for someone who died without children.

Some congregations discourage non-mourners from saying it aloud, so it helps to ask the rabbi first. If saying it aloud is not right in your community, you can read it privately.

Mourning someone who was difficult, distant or harmful can bring relief, guilt, anger and sadness all at once. Mixed feelings like these need to be worked through as a normal part of grief.

Things that can help

• Choose which mourning practices feel honest to you.
• Talk with a rabbi who will listen without judging.
• Work with a grief counselor or therapist.
• Write a letter to the person that you never send.

Older Jewish law limited mourning rites after a suicide. But My Jewish Learning explains that Jewish law requires a person to have been of sound mind, “a standard that many contemporary rabbis believe disqualifies those who take their own lives as a result of mental illness.” Most contemporary rabbis look for any basis to allow traditional burial.

The older practice of burying people who died by suicide at the edge of the cemetery has largely given way to more compassionate approaches.

After a suicide, mourners often feel shock, guilt, anger and many painful questions about “why.” These feelings are common and understandable.

Jewish law itself leans toward compassion here: unless there is clear evidence otherwise, an assumption is made that the person was not of sound mind.

Suicide is usually linked with deep pain and mental illness. It is not a measure of how much someone was loved, or how much you did.

Losing someone to suicide can raise your own risk. A UK study of young adults found that people bereaved by suicide were more likely to attempt suicide than people bereaved by a sudden natural death. If you notice thoughts of not wanting to live, please tell someone and reach out right away.

In Reform and Conservative communities, there is no difference between men and women saying Kaddish. In Orthodox communities the question is more debated: in some it is rare, while some Orthodox synagogues allow women to say Kaddish together with a man or quietly.

If you want to say Kaddish, talk with your rabbi about what is possible in your community, or ask about other synagogues nearby.

Kaddish is traditionally said with a minyan. Some communities now run daily online minyanim, which give mourners and others a chance to say Kaddish in community.

Whether an online minyan counts differs between communities. Ask your rabbi. Either way, joining others in grief can ease loneliness.

Many families hold an unveiling of the matzevah (gravestone) during the year of mourning. El Malei Rachamim (“God full of mercy”) is said at funerals, unveilings and Yizkor.

The unveiling can be a gentle marker: a time to gather again, share memories and notice how far you have come.

Yahrzeit customs include lighting a memorial candle and giving tzedakah (charity).

More ideas

• Cook their favourite dish for Shabbat.
• Give to a cause they cared about.
• Learn a Jewish text in their memory.
• Tell a story about them at a family meal.

When Jacob mourned Joseph, “all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted.” (Genesis 37:35, JPS 1917)

The Torah does not hide that some losses are too heavy to be soothed quickly. If comfort does not reach you yet, you are not failing at grief.

A review of 14 studies estimated that about 1 in 10 bereaved adults (9.8%) may develop prolonged grief, where grief stays very intense and gets in the way of life for a long time.

This is not a sign of weak faith or of loving too much. It is a recognised health concern, and talk therapies can help.

“He will swallow up death for ever; And the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces…” (Isaiah 25:8, JPS 1917)

Isaiah also speaks of giving those who mourn “a garland for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning.” (Isaiah 61:3, JPS 1917) Hope does not erase grief. It sits beside it.