Young Jewish people: identity, belonging & big questions

Among U.S. Jews ages 18 to 29, 17% are Orthodox and about 4 in 10 do not identify with a religion at all. Many others are somewhere in between.

Pirkei Avot says: “don’t look at the container but at that which is in it: there is a new container full of old wine.” (Pirkei Avot 4:20, Kulp translation)

Young people can carry deep wisdom. Your thoughts and questions matter, even if you are young.

In a well-known Hasidic story, Reb Zusya weeps before he dies. His students are puzzled. He explains he is not afraid of being asked why he was not like Moses. He is afraid of being asked, “Why were you not Zusya?”

Rabbi Amy Eilberg uses this story to ask whether we are fully ourselves. Your task is not to become a copy of someone else, but the best version of you.

Only about half of U.S. Jews under 30 have two Jewish parents. Many grew up with one Jewish parent, in interfaith homes, or with several cultures and languages.

Some people may question whether you “count.” Those comments can hurt. Your story and your connection to Jewish life are real.

“Now the LORD said unto Abram: ‘Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto the land that I will show thee.’” (Genesis 12:1, JPS 1917)

Abraham did not know where the journey would lead. Your Jewish identity may change as you grow, move, study or meet new people. That is normal.

Some young Jews feel tension between their faith community and their sexuality, gender identity, politics or beliefs. In the 2024 teen study, stress about gender and sexuality was one of five main stress themes.

You deserve to be accepted and safe. You can look for rabbis, communities and friends who see and accept all of you.

Hillel taught: “nor can a timid person learn, nor can an impatient person teach.” (Pirkei Avot 2:5, Kulp translation)

This means questions are welcome. It also reminds teachers and parents to be patient with them.

Ben Bag Bag said about Torah: “Turn it over, and [again] turn it over, for all is therein.” (Pirkei Avot 5:22, Kulp translation)

You can look at a hard question from many sides and come back to it as you grow. You do not need all the answers now.

When the schools of Hillel and Shammai disagreed, the Talmud says a Divine Voice declared: “Both these and those are the words of the living God.” (Eruvin 13b, William Davidson edition)

You can disagree with your parents, teachers or friends about Judaism and still belong. Respectful disagreement is very Jewish.

Preparation usually takes about a year, and many young people chant from the Torah or Haftarah and lead prayers.

If you feel nervous

• Practice in front of one or two people you trust first.
• Take slow breaths before you start.
• Remember that mistakes happen to everyone, and the congregation is on your side.
• Tell your tutor or rabbi if you are struggling. They can adjust.

Some families hold a big celebration. Others mark the milestone privately or through alternative programs.

Comparing parties with friends can bring stress. The meaning lies in becoming responsible, not in the size of the event.

Adult b’nai mitzvah have become common in recent decades for people who did not have one as children. In 2020, 51% of U.S. Jewish adults had had a bar or bat mitzvah.

Ben Zoma asked: “Who is rich? He who rejoices in his lot.” (Pirkei Avot 4:1, Kulp translation)

Success is not only about grades or a famous college. It is also about kindness, curiosity, friendships and being at peace with yourself.

Shabbat offers a day when you are not expected to produce or achieve. Even if you do not keep every rule, a few hours off from homework and screens can help your mind recover.

Stress about parents, including conflict and parental pressure, was one of the main stress themes for Jewish teens.

Try saying: “I want to do well, but I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk about what really matters?” A school counselor can help you plan this talk.

Teens described feeling overwhelmed by a steady stream of hostile or misleading posts.

Ideas

• Mute, block and report hateful accounts.
• Set time limits for news and social media.
• Take screenshots of threats and show a trusted adult.
• Follow accounts that make you feel connected and calm.

Steps you can take

• Tell a parent, teacher, counselor or dean.
• Write down what happened, when and who was there.
• Connect with Jewish student groups, Hillel or a campus chaplain.
• If you are threatened or hurt, contact school security or call 911.

Some teens said they hid their Jewish identity to keep friendships or avoid conflict. Others felt isolated or misunderstood by friends.

You can choose which conversations to have, and when. You do not owe anyone a debate. Friends who respect you will make room for your feelings.

“But they that wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings as eagles; They shall run, and not be weary; They shall walk, and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31, JPS 1917)

Spending time with people who share your identity, learning your history and joining in Jewish life can help you feel proud and steady even when the world feels hostile.

About 4 in 10 U.S. Jews raised Jewish went to a Jewish summer camp. Youth groups, synagogue programs and campus Hillels are other places to meet Jewish friends.

If one group does not feel right, try another. Communities differ a lot in style and practice.

A Harvard study that followed more than 5,000 young people for 8 to 14 years found that those who attended services weekly, or prayed or meditated daily, were more likely to report greater happiness as young adults and less likely to use illicit drugs.

The researchers noted that most participants were white and from higher-income families, so results may not apply to everyone. Faith is not a cure, but community and practice can be a real support.

You might feel too religious for some friends and not religious enough for others. You might be the only Jewish student in your school. That can be lonely.

Ideas

• Look for online Jewish communities for teens or students.
• Find one adult mentor who gets you.
• Invite a friend to a Shabbat dinner or holiday event.
• Start small: one conversation, one event.

Some young people want to be more observant than their parents. Others want to practice less, or explore other ideas. Both can cause tension at home.

Tips for the talk

• Pick a calm time, not in the middle of an argument.
• Start with what you share, like love for the family.
• Explain what your choice means to you.
• Listen to their worries too, even if you disagree.

Some young people worry their parents will be upset or embarrassed. Most parents want to help, even if they need time to understand.

Ways to start

• “I haven’t been feeling like myself, and I think I need to talk to someone.”
• Write a note or text if saying it out loud is too hard.
• Ask a school counselor, rabbi or trusted relative to help you tell them.