Healing after a high-control group

Lalich describes how groups connect to people’s highest hopes. Wanting to belong, to do good, or to grow is deeply human. The harm came from how those hopes were used.

Steven Hassan’s BITE Model describes control over Behavior, Information, Thoughts and Emotions. Not every group uses every method, but together they can make it very hard to see clearly from inside.

Researchers still debate how best to define words like “cult” and “brainwashing”, and how much control is needed to cause harm. What matters here is what happened to you.

Former members describe fear, guilt and loss when leaving, and also relief and freedom. Getting out, by choice or not, is a big step.

Former members describe lasting fears, sometimes of punishment or disaster, and deep guilt and self-blame, even when they know their reasons for leaving were good.

These feelings often fade as you learn how they were taught, and as time passes without the feared things happening.

Hassan lists identity confusion among the most common issues former members face. Interviewees in one study described “living between two different worlds” while forming a new identity.

Former members describe anxiety, low mood and physical symptoms after leaving. Sleep problems and nightmares are also common in clinical reports.

If your group controlled sleep or food, giving your body steady rest and meals is a real part of healing.

Hassan notes that many former members struggle with decision-making after years of depending on leaders to decide for them.

Start small: what to eat, what to wear, what to watch. Each choice is practice.

Former members often describe feeling out of step with everyday society. Researchers compare this to other big life transitions.

Alongside the pain, many former members describe relief, empowerment and gratitude, and a sense of a new world opening.

Stress is a major trigger. Hunger and tiredness can be early warning signs. Group songs, texts, places and situations can also set off floating, especially when you’re low.

Others people mention

• Anniversaries or holidays the group marked
• Certain clothes, smells or foods
• Hearing the group’s special words
• News stories about groups like yours
• Someone from the group getting in touch

Try this

1. Name it: “I’m floating. This is a memory, not now.”
2. Feel your feet on the floor and take a few slow breaths.
3. Read your list of reasons you left.
4. Eat something or rest if you’re hungry or tired.
5. Call or message someone who understands.

Learning your body’s signals of stress, and not taking on too much, can make floating less likely. Rest, food and sharing feelings all help.

If floating happens often or feels out of control, get support soon. A counselor who understands high-control groups, or a former member you trust, can be especially helpful.

Lifton called these “thought-terminating clichés”. Hassan also describes thought-stopping as a common control method.

Notice when a phrase pops into your head as a doubt appears. Ask: “What was this phrase meant to stop me thinking?”

ICSA clinical writing notes that former members often need to rebuild ideas like “good” and “bad” from the ground up, because the group gave them special meanings.

High-control groups often teach members to distrust outsiders, critics and former members. Unlearning this takes time.

Ways to practise gray areas

• Find one good thing and one hard thing about the same situation
• Notice people outside the group who are kind
• Remember that some people inside were kind too
• Say “I’m not sure yet” and let that be okay

After leaving, some people decide everything about the group was bad, or everything about the outside is good. Over time, many find a more balanced view, keeping what was truly good and letting go of the rest.

If you joined as a teen or adult, you may have a “before” self to reconnect with: old hobbies, music, friends or dreams. Some will still fit; some won’t, and that’s okay.

Small experiments

• A class or library book on a new subject
• Cooking a food you were never allowed
• Music, films or art you missed
• Volunteering for a cause you choose
• Wearing what you like

Some values you held in the group, like kindness or service, may still be yours. You get to decide what to keep.

Some former members keep a faith, some find a new one, and some leave belief behind. Healthy paths respect your freedom to question.

This grief can be confusing because the people are still alive. It can also come back on birthdays, holidays or group events.

Many people feel sad about years spent inside. It can help to name what you lost, and also what you learned and survived.

Anger often shows up once you see what happened. It can be a healthy sign that you know you deserved better.

Safe outlets

• Moving your body: walking, running, dancing
• Writing an unsent letter
• Talking with someone who understands
• Joining efforts that help others leave safely

Stein explains that when a group is both the source of fear and the only comfort, it can create a confused, “disorganized” kind of bond. That can make later relationships feel unsafe.

Hassan lists trouble trusting and fear of intimacy among common struggles for former members.

Ask yourself

• Can I ask questions and disagree?
• Can I leave without being punished or shunned?
• Am I encouraged to think for myself?
• Do they use guilt, shame or fear?
• Do I keep my own friends, money and time?

Researchers suggest that support groups with other former members can help people process their experiences and build social skills.

ICSA’s Professional Network Directory lists support groups and services. A listing is not an endorsement, so check fit yourself.

What helps

• Ask what they need
• Be patient with mixed feelings and doubts
• Don’t mock their old beliefs or the people they miss
• Invite them to ordinary things, like a meal or a walk
• Listen more than you advise

Insights from survivors

• Focus first on safety, sleep, eating and support
• Go at your pace, and adjust techniques that feel triggering
• Help you think and feel for yourself, not follow the therapist’s beliefs
• Listen without judgment
• Recognize grief for community and family
• Don’t push you to cut off all past relationships

You might ask

• Have you worked with people from high-control groups?
• How do you handle spiritual or religious topics?
• How will we decide what to focus on?
• What if I want to slow down or stop?

ICSA’s Professional Network Directory lists counselors and support groups who work with former members. ICSA says a listing is not an endorsement, so check credentials yourself.

A trauma-informed therapist who respects your beliefs, whatever they are, can also help.

ICSA suggests asking whether any new group or therapist welcomes questions and independent thinking, or uses guilt, shame or fear.

Be careful if a helper

• Claims only they can heal you
• Discourages other relationships or second opinions
• Asks for large sums or ongoing commitments
• Uses shame or pressure