Jewish holidays, fasting & wellbeing

Holidays can bring up memories of loved ones, family tension, money worries, loneliness or the pressure to host. Many people feel joy and stress side by side.

For what Elul, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hanukkah, Passover and Tisha B’Av can offer a struggling heart, see “Holidays and hard times” in the sibling guide Jewish practices for hard times. This guide goes deeper into the emotional side: fasting safely, food, perfectionism, grief, loneliness and joy on cue.

Some people keep every custom, some keep a few, and some mark the day with a meal, a walk or an act of kindness. In 2020, 46% of U.S. Jews fasted on Yom Kippur and about 6 in 10 attended a seder.

Comparing your observance with others can bring guilt or pride. It may help to ask instead: what would help me feel connected this year?

Teshuvah is about turning, growing and moving forward. If you find yourself replaying every mistake, confessing again and again, or feeling you can never be forgiven, that may be anxiety or scrupulosity rather than healthy reflection.

The International OCD Foundation notes that a behavior done to reduce anxiety from obsessional fears “is a compulsion even if it masquerades as religion.” Treatment can respect your beliefs, and a rabbi can be part of it.

High Holy Day services can be long, crowded and loud. For people with anxiety, sensory sensitivities, chronic pain or young children, that can be a lot.

Ideas

• Choose the parts of the service that matter most to you.
• Sit near an aisle or door so you can step out.
• Step outside for fresh air and a few slow breaths.
• Stream a service from home if being in person is too much this year.

On Rosh Hashanah, apples and challah are dipped in honey for a sweet new year.

The season is not only about judgment. It also carries hope for a fresh start. You might name one sweet thing you hope for this year, however small.

Doctors and clergy commonly advise these groups not to fast: children under 13, pregnant people, people with diabetes or other conditions affected by food and blood sugar, people whose treatment requires food, and people with an eating disorder or disordered eating.

Rulings differ between communities, for example about pregnancy and nursing. There is “a great deal of leniency” on the minor fasts for people with medical conditions.

Low blood sugar can cause sweating, shaking, faintness and a racing heart, which can feel like a panic attack. A day focused on food can also bring shame or dread for some people.

If fasting has made your mental health worse in the past, that is important information. Bring it to your rabbi and your clinical provider.

Some people who cannot fast read a meditation written for those who cannot fast, give the money they would have spent on food to a hunger charity, volunteer, or focus on prayer and reflection.

Others keep the other Yom Kippur customs, such as not wearing leather shoes, and eat with intention, treating each meal as an act of caring for the body.

My Jewish Learning describes how a fast day can trigger shame, anxiety, a sense of losing control and dread about large meals or restriction for people in recovery. Comments from family about eating or body size can add pressure.

Some people say fasting made them feel like a “bad Jew” whether they fasted or ate. You are not a bad Jew for protecting your recovery.

Ideas

• Agree on a meal plan with your treatment team before the holiday.
• Ask one family member to steer conversations away from food and bodies.
• Choose a seat near someone supportive.
• Plan simple meals in advance.
• Plan something calming for after the meal.

What helps

• Avoid comments on portions, weight or “being good.”
• Do not ask why someone is or is not fasting.
• Keep the focus on stories, songs and people.
• Offer a quiet space to step away.

The International OCD Foundation lists eating or owning chametz on Passover as a common area of scrupulosity for Jews, along with kashrut and Shabbat.

Signs it may be more than careful observance include doing far more than others in your community, cleaning to calm fear rather than to keep the mitzvah, and finding that it gets in the way of sleep, work or family.

The seder is meant to retell a story of freedom, with questions from the youngest at the table. It is about people and memory, not a spotless table.

Ways to ease the load

• Ask your rabbi what is required and what is extra.
• Share tasks among family members.
• Buy some foods ready-made if that helps.
• Set a stopping time for cleaning each day.

Purim’s customs include hearing the Megillah, sending food gifts to friends, giving gifts to the poor and a festive meal. The Book of Esther describes a month “turned unto them from sorrow to gladness.” (Esther 9:22, JPS 1917)

If you cannot feel joyful, you can still take part in the giving. Sending a small gift or helping someone in need can lift your mood a little and connect you to others.

Purim is the one holiday where some traditions encourage drinking. My Jewish Learning advises: “Drinking should enhance the celebration; it should not be dangerous.”

If you are in recovery from alcohol or drug use, you never have to drink to keep Purim. Plan to celebrate with people who support your recovery.

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy cometh in the morning.” (Psalm 30:6, JPS 1917)

Gentle ideas

• Go for part of the celebration, not all of it.
• Tell one person that you are finding it hard.
• Let yourself enjoy one small thing, like a song or a costume.
• Notice if low mood lasts for weeks. That is a reason to reach out.

Empty chairs, missing voices and old recipes can bring grief flooding back. That is a sign of love, not of weakness.

Ideas

• Light a candle or share a memory at the table.
• Ask someone else to lead a part your loved one used to lead.
• Keep a family recipe going in their honor.
• Give yourself permission to change traditions this year.

The Tenth of Tevet has been proclaimed a memorial day for the six million Jews who died in the Holocaust. The weeks of the Omer include customs of restraint tied to tragedies in Jewish history and to modern memorial days.

For descendants of survivors and people affected by recent attacks, these days can stir deep feelings. Sharing them with others can make the weight a little lighter.

Remembering a parent who hurt you can bring up anger, relief or confusion along with sadness. All of these feelings can be part of grief.

You can say Yizkor in your own words, or simply sit quietly. A rabbi or grief counselor can help you find what is right for you.

In the weeks before Christmas, many American Jews feel more aware of being outside the majority culture. Parents may feel pressure to make Hanukkah bigger, and interfaith families face choices about which holidays to celebrate.

There is no single right answer. What matters is finding a way that feels honest and peaceful for your household.

The Book of Ruth is read on Shavuot. It tells of a Moabite woman who joins the Jewish people.

Converts may feel unsure of customs, miss holidays from their past, or feel judged. Their questions and their memories both belong.

Ideas

• Ask a local synagogue, Chabad house, Hillel or Jewish community center about holiday meals.
• Join an online service or class.
• Host a small gathering for others who are alone.
• Plan your day ahead so it does not feel empty.

My Jewish Learning explains that Maimonides compared counting the Omer to someone counting down the days to a beloved friend’s visit.

Counting gives each day weight. For people in recovery, grieving or rebuilding, it can be a reminder that progress is made one day at a time.

Ideas

• After counting each night, name one thing you did to care for yourself.
• Pick one small habit to practice for the seven weeks.
• If you miss a day, start again the next day without self-blame.
• Share the count with a friend for support.

Lag BaOmer, the 33rd day, is a semi-holiday that lifts many of the season’s mourning customs. Even a season of restraint has a day of celebration in the middle.