Jewish family life, marriage & raising children

Jewish families include Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist and unaffiliated households. They include interfaith couples, Jews by choice, single parents, blended families, adoptive families, LGBTQ+ families and families where only one person is Jewish.

In 2020, nearly half of U.S. Jews under 30 had only one Jewish parent. Mixed backgrounds are a normal part of Jewish life today.

Rituals like Shabbat candles, a blessing for the children or a family seder give a family a rhythm. Doing the same small thing each week can help children (and adults) feel safe and connected.

Rituals do not need to be big or perfect to count. A five-minute check-in at the Shabbat table can matter more than an elaborate meal.

Some Jewish families go through divorce, the death of a parent, estrangement or long-term illness. These experiences can bring extra pain when family is held up as so central.

If your family has been broken or reshaped, you still belong in Jewish life. Your family story is still a Jewish family story.

Pirkei Avot teaches: “Every dispute that is for the sake of Heaven, will in the end endure.” Its example is Hillel and Shammai, two schools of sages who disagreed for years but stayed respectful. (Pirkei Avot 5:17, Kulp translation)

The Talmud says a Divine Voice declared about both schools: “Both these and those are the words of the living God.” (Eruvin 13b, William Davidson edition)

In a family, arguing “for the sake of Heaven” can mean arguing to solve a problem together, not to win or to hurt. You can disagree and still love each other.

Shammai taught: “receive all men with a pleasant countenance.” (Pirkei Avot 1:15, Kulp translation) Family members are often the people we forget to greet warmly.

Small ways to build peace at home

• Greet each other when someone comes home.
• Say thank you for ordinary things, like cooking or driving.
• Take a break when a talk gets heated, and agree to come back to it.
• Use “I feel” sentences instead of blame.

Jewish Women International notes that abuse happens in Jewish homes at rates similar to other U.S. communities, across every stream of Judaism. The myth of the “perfect Jewish home” has led to denial and silence.

In the past, some people who spoke up were told to go home and “make shalom bayit.” Today many rabbis and Jewish organizations teach the opposite: safety comes first, and abuse is never the victim’s fault.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, financial or controlling behavior. You deserve to be safe at home.

The Talmud lists things a father must do for a child, including teaching Torah and teaching a trade. It adds: “And some say: A father is also obligated to teach his son to swim.” (Kiddushin 29a, William Davidson edition)

Teaching a child to swim can be read as preparing them to survive on their own. Today, “swimming lessons” might include handling feelings, asking for help, managing money and staying safe online.

Maimonides wrote that, even though children must honor their parents, “a person is forbidden to lay a heavy yoke on his sons” by demanding honor in a way that becomes an obstacle for them. He adds that a parent may choose to forgo their honor. (Mishneh Torah, Rebels 6:8, Touger translation)

This is a gentle reminder for parents. Respect grows best when children feel safe, not afraid.

At the Passover seder, four types of children are discussed, and the youngest person usually asks the Four Questions. Questions keep young people involved in the story.

This tradition shows that children learn and ask in different ways. One child may be curious, another quiet, another testing limits. Each one is still at the table.

Ideas for parents

• Make space for questions, even hard ones.
• Notice what lights up each child, and build on it.
• Praise effort and kindness, not only grades.
• Share your own doubts and growth in an age-appropriate way.

Stories like Cain and Abel and Joseph and his brothers show how jealousy and favoritism can tear families apart. My Jewish Learning suggests recognizing the special qualities of each child and being careful about showing favoritism.

Pirkei Avot describes stages of life, from “At five years of age the study of Scripture” to “At thirteen subject to the commandments” and onward through adulthood and old age. (Pirkei Avot 5:21, Kulp translation)

Children are not small adults. Expectations should fit their age and development. If a child is struggling to keep up, that is a reason to look closer and support them, not a reason for shame.

In a 2024 national survey of nearly 2,500 American Jewish teens, school was the biggest source of stress. Stress about parents, including conflict and parental pressure, was another clear theme.

What helps

• Ask “How are you?” before “How did you do?”
• Celebrate effort, character and kindness.
• Make sure your child knows your love does not depend on results.
• Protect rest, including Shabbat, from homework and screens if that fits your family.

In many communities, marriage and children are celebrated milestones. For people who are single, divorced, LGBTQ+, facing infertility or simply not ready, constant questions can bring shame and loneliness.

Ways to cope

• Prepare a short, kind answer for nosy questions.
• Ask a trusted family member to help redirect conversations.
• Find people who value you as you are now.
• Remember that your worth is not measured by a milestone.

Jewish Women International describes how the idea of a “perfect Jewish home” has led to denial in some communities. The same fear of what others think can stop families from seeking help for mental health, addiction or abuse.

Getting help early protects your family. It is a sign of love and responsibility, not a failure.

Rabbi Moshe Becker points out that the commandment says to honor your parents, not to love them, recognizing that some people have difficult relationships with their parents. He writes that honoring parents should not mean giving up your own life and dreams.

Many rabbis teach that you can speak to parents respectfully, help them and care for them, while still making your own choices as an adult.

If a parent has been abusive, cruel or controlling, you may feel torn between this commandment and your own safety. Jewish law places a very high value on protecting life and health.

Talk with a rabbi you trust and a therapist about what honor can look like for you. For some people it means limited contact, kind boundaries, or arranging for others to help with care.

Maimonides wrote that when a parent loses control of their mental faculties, a child should try to relate to them according to their condition. If it becomes impossible to stay with them, the child may leave and arrange for others to care for them properly. (Mishneh Torah, Rebels 6:10, summarised from the Touger translation)

This teaching, written over 800 years ago, shows that Jewish tradition does not expect anyone to carry an impossible load alone. Getting professional care for a parent can itself be a form of honor.

“Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man.” (Leviticus 19:32, JPS 1917) The Psalms also give voice to older people’s fear: “Cast me not off in the time of old age; When my strength faileth, forsake me not.” (Psalm 71:9, JPS 1917)

Caring for an aging parent can be meaningful and exhausting at the same time. Share the work with siblings where you can, accept help from your community, and take breaks.

When a family member starts keeping stricter kashrut or Shabbat, parents and siblings may feel judged, or worry they are losing them. The person becoming more observant may feel misunderstood.

Ideas

• Talk about practical needs, like food and travel, before a visit.
• Focus on what you still share, like stories, values and love.
• Say clearly: “My choices are not a judgment of you.”
• Be patient. Families often find new ways to be together over time.

When an adult child stops keeping traditions or leaves religious life, parents may feel grief, fear or shame. The person leaving may feel guilt, loneliness or fear of losing their family.

Staying connected matters more than winning the argument. Many families find that keeping the door open lets relationships heal over time.

Among U.S. Jews who married in 2010 or later, 61% married someone who is not Jewish. Among intermarried parents, many raise children Jewish by religion, partly Jewish, or in more than one tradition.

Grandparents and parents may have strong feelings about this. Warm welcome tends to keep families closer than pressure does.

Ruth said to her mother-in-law Naomi: “whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge; thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.” (Ruth 1:16, JPS 1917)

Jews by choice can feel like outsiders, especially at family gatherings or when relatives question their sincerity. Their own birth families may also struggle with the change. Both families can help by showing curiosity and respect.

Some families worry that talking about mental illness will hurt a child’s future, such as their chances of marriage, or the family’s reputation. That fear can delay help for months or years.

Jewish organizations like Relief Resources and the Blue Dove Foundation work to reduce stigma and connect families with vetted professionals who understand Jewish life.

“And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers.” (Malachi 3:24, JPS 1917)

How to support a struggling family member

• Ask gently and listen more than you talk.
• Avoid blame, like “just try harder” or “you should be grateful.”
• Offer practical help, like a ride to an appointment.
• Learn about their condition from trusted sources.
• Look after your own wellbeing too.

Changes in sleep, eating, school, friends or mood that last more than a couple of weeks are worth taking seriously. Talk with your child, their pediatrician or clinical provider, and the school counselor.