When family members have different faiths or none

About one in five U.S. adults were raised in a religion and now have no religious affiliation. For many parents of faith, this is one of the hardest changes to accept.

Change also goes the other way. About 3.5% of U.S. adults were raised with no religion and now identify with one. Others move to a different faith, or become far more observant than their parents.

Families may suddenly face new food rules, prayer times, dress, or holidays. The person who changed may feel misunderstood, while the family may feel judged or left behind.

Adult children can be surprised, worried or hurt when a parent’s beliefs change later in life. The same tools apply: curiosity, respect and clear, kind boundaries.

Of people raised by one religious and one non-religious parent, 38% are now religiously unaffiliated. Most people raised by parents of different religions say their parents disagreed little, if at all, about religion.

Big family gatherings can bring many beliefs to one table. Siblings may find themselves in the middle of a parent’s disappointment, or quietly supporting each other.

Parents and grandparents may feel grief, worry, guilt (“Did I fail?”) or embarrassment in their community. For some, faith is about eternal things, so the stakes feel enormous.

Questions to ask yourself

• What am I most afraid of?
• What do I love about this person that hasn’t changed?
• What would I lose if I pushed them away?

People who leave, convert or change practice often fear disappointing their family or losing their place in it. Some feel they must hide who they are to stay welcome.

Questions to ask yourself

• What do I need my family to understand?
• Which family traditions do I still treasure?
• What would feel respectful to me, and to them?

A parent may grieve the wedding, the holidays or the faith they hoped to share. The person who changed may grieve the easy closeness they used to have. Naming this grief can help both sides feel less alone.

• Asking real questions
• Saying “I hadn’t thought about it that way”
• Sharing stories, not arguments
• Thanking them for listening

The Gottman Institute explains that when a lasting difference can’t be talked about, it can become “gridlocked”, and people slowly pull away from each other. Mocking someone’s faith, or their lack of it, shuts the conversation down fast.

• Debating to prove the other person wrong
• Mocking beliefs or practices
• Threatening to cut off contact
• Using children or grandchildren as leverage

If a family member keeps religious food rules, prays at set times or observes holy days, simple respect goes a long way: a separate dish, a quiet room, a meal planned around a fast.

Likewise, a family member who doesn’t practise can be welcomed without being asked to pray, fast or attend services.

Examples of agreements

• No debating beliefs at family meals
• No leaving religious materials without asking
• No pressure on grandchildren without parents’ okay
• Questions are welcome, lectures are not

Phrases you could use

• “I love you, and I’m not going to discuss this today.”
• “I respect that your faith matters to you. I’d like the same respect for my choices.”
• “I’m happy to join the meal. I’ll sit out the prayer quietly.”
• “If this keeps coming up, I’ll need to leave early.”

Some people attend a family service out of love, without sharing the beliefs. Others join the meal and skip the ritual. Both can be respectful choices.

Ways to take part

• Help cook a traditional dish
• Join the meal and family stories
• Sit quietly during prayers
• Learn the meaning behind a ritual

• Explain what will happen at a service or ritual ahead of time
• Offer food that fits their practice
• Ask about their holidays too
• Let them choose how much to join

Decide in advance what you’ll take part in, how long you’ll stay, and what you’ll do if conversations get heated. Having a plan makes surprises less painful.

Many families find it works best when grandparents can share their traditions, stories and celebrations openly, while respecting the parents’ choices about religious teaching, baptism, classes or rituals.

Ideas grandparents can offer

• Sharing family stories and recipes
• Inviting grandchildren to celebrations, with parents’ okay
• Answering children’s questions honestly: “This is what I believe”
• Never telling children their parents are wrong

Children can learn that people they love believe different things. What hurts them is ongoing conflict and being pulled between adults.

Families may disagree about where a couple marries, who officiates, or whether a baby has a religious welcome. Including parts of each tradition, or a separate family blessing, can help everyone feel honoured.

Advance care planning can reflect cultural values, spiritual beliefs and family roles. The Indian Health Service suggests asking whether there are beliefs, traditions or spiritual practices care teams should respect, and who should speak for the person if they can’t.

Writing down these wishes before a crisis can prevent painful family disagreements later, especially when family members believe differently.

When the person who died had different beliefs from some relatives, families may disagree about prayers, burial or memorials. A helpful guide is to centre the wishes of the person who died, while making room for others to grieve in their own way.

Ways to make room for everyone

• A religious service and a separate informal memorial
• Readings from different traditions, or non-religious readings
• Private prayers or rituals for those who want them
• Shared stories that everyone can join

If a family member is controlling, threatening or hurting you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you think through options and make a safety plan. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

If you depend on family for housing and money, it can be wise to wait before sharing a big change in belief, or to tell one trusted adult first. A school counselor or another trusted adult can help you plan.

If you are being hurt or threatened at home, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is there for you: call or text 1-800-422-4453.

Some families and communities cut off members who leave or change faith. This loss deserves to be grieved and supported, not brushed aside.

Ideas

• Cooking family recipes together
• Family history, photos and stories
• Hobbies, sports or music you both enjoy
• Serving others together, like volunteering
• Values you both hold, like honesty and care for family

If hurtful words were said, a simple repair can open doors: “I’m sorry for what I said. I was scared. I love you.” Repair doesn’t require agreeing about beliefs.

Talking with friends, peer groups, a thoughtful faith leader, or other parents and adult children who have been through this can help you feel less alone and get new ideas.

SAMHSA suggests that family members support each other’s mental health by reaching out, listening, treating each other with respect and helping one another find support.

Many clergy have helped families through differences in belief. A good faith leader can support a parent’s grief while encouraging love and respect for a child who believes differently.