Christian grief & mourning traditions

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven… A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, KJV)

Mourning has its own time. It cannot be rushed, and nobody else can set the timetable for you.

Many Christians find comfort in Jesus’ words: “Don’t let your heart be troubled. Believe in God. Believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many homes.” (John 14:1–2, WEB) These verses are often read at Christian funerals.

Hope can be like a quiet light in the background. It does not have to feel strong every day to be real.

Grief can affect sleep, appetite, focus and energy. It often comes in waves, set off by a song, a smell or a date. This is normal, whatever your faith.

Studies by researchers at Harvard found that people who performed rituals after a loss reported less grief. Rituals seemed to help partly by giving back a sense of control when loss leaves people feeling powerless.

Christian traditions offer many such rituals: lighting candles, praying for the dead, visiting the grave, memorial services on set days, and shared meals.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, WEB) Wakes, visitations, funeral meals and memorials are ways a church carries the grieving family together.

Sometimes a funeral is rushed, far away, or not in your tradition. You can still create meaningful rituals later.

Ideas

• Ask your priest or pastor for a memorial service or Mass at a later date.
• Hold a small prayer gathering at home.
• Light a candle and read a psalm on the anniversary.
• Visit the grave or a meaningful place and pray there.
• Write a letter to your loved one and to God.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops describes three parts. The vigil (often a wake) is when the community keeps watch and prays with the family. The funeral liturgy, ideally a funeral Mass, commends the person to God’s mercy. The rite of committal takes place at the grave or resting place.

A funeral can also be celebrated when a person has been cremated. Your parish can explain the options.

Other Catholic practices of mourning

• Having a Mass offered for the person who died
• Praying the rosary at the vigil or at home
• Remembering the dead on All Souls’ Day (November 2)
• Visiting and praying at the grave

Many Orthodox families pray a short memorial service (the Trisagion) after a death and on the 3rd, 9th and 40th days, and at later times such as one year, or whenever the family feels the need.

A longer memorial service is usually held around the 40th day. Families often bring koliva, boiled wheat that stands for the body sown in the earth and awaiting the resurrection. It is blessed and shared with everyone present.

Protestant funerals vary widely. Many include Scripture readings, hymns, prayers, a sermon of hope and personal stories about the person. Some families hold a “celebration of life” or a memorial service without the body present.

You might be asked to

• Choose favorite hymns or worship songs
• Pick Scripture readings, such as Psalm 23 or John 14
• Share a memory or tribute
• Help plan a meal or reception after the service

In many Black churches, a funeral is called a homegoing, celebrating the person’s going home to God. The West Virginia Encyclopedia describes homegoings as honoring the dignity of the person who died, with flowers, processions and mourners sometimes in white or bright colors.

Homegoings grew especially important for people who faced disrespect and discrimination in life. Gospel music, praise and a shared meal (often called the repast) bring joy and sorrow together.

Tasks others can take on

• Bringing meals or setting up a meal sign-up
• Childcare or school pick-ups
• Driving family from the airport
• Helping with funeral details and readings
• Phoning people with the news

When Job lost his children, his friends came and “sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.” (Job 2:13, WEB)

Their silence was their best comfort. Later, when they started explaining his suffering, they made it worse. Sometimes just being there says more than words.

Try

• Eat something small and drink water, even without appetite.
• Rest when you can, even if sleep is broken.
• Step outside for a few minutes each day.
• Say a one-line prayer when longer prayers will not come.
• Let yourself cry, and let yourself laugh at memories too.

Lamentations mourns the destruction of Jerusalem in raw, painful words. In the middle of it comes a line of stubborn hope: “It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22–23, KJV)

The hope sits in the middle of the grief, not after it. You do not have to finish grieving before you can hold onto God.

Anger after loss is common. Telling God plainly how you feel keeps the relationship open, as the psalm writers did.

Ways to express it

• Write a letter to God and say everything.
• Pray a psalm of lament out loud.
• Talk to a pastor or chaplain who will not be shocked.
• Walk, cry or shout somewhere private.

Many mourners wonder if they could have prevented the death or said something different. These thoughts are a normal part of grief, even when there was nothing more you could have done.

“For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life… nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from God’s love which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38–39, WEB)

Mayo Clinic notes that people grieving a suicide often feel shock, anger, guilt, rejection, confusion and despair. Because many people find suicide hard to talk about, friends may not reach out as they would after other losses.

Some Christians worry about what suicide means for their loved one before God. The Catholic Catechism teaches that severe mental distress can lessen a person’s responsibility, and says “the Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.” Many other churches also teach God’s mercy and compassion.

The death of a child, at any age, or the loss of a pregnancy, can shake both heart and faith. Parents may grieve differently from each other, and that is normal.

Ways to remember

• Ask your church for a naming, blessing or memorial service.
• Keep a memory box or plant a tree.
• Mark birthdays and due dates with a prayer or candle.
• Find a parent support group, faith-based or not.

Accidents, violence, overdoses and other sudden deaths give no time to say goodbye. Upsetting images or memories can keep coming back. A counselor trained in trauma and grief can help, alongside your church.

Grief researchers describe healthy mourning as moving back and forth: sometimes facing the loss, and sometimes taking a break to rest, work or enjoy something. Both are part of healing.

Ideas

• Light a candle for them at Christmas or Easter services.
• Attend an All Saints’ or All Souls’ service, or a “Blue Christmas” service if your church has one.
• Keep one tradition they loved, and let go of others for now.
• Tell family what you need ahead of time.

Ideas

• Ask for a memorial prayer, Mass or service on the anniversary.
• Give to a cause they cared about in their name.
• Keep a prayer journal of letters to them and to God.
• Serve others in a way they would have loved.
• Tell their stories to children and grandchildren.

GriefShare is a 13-week Christian grief support group hosted by local churches. Each week has a short video and small-group discussion, and covers topics like loneliness, guilt, anger and questions for God. People can join at any week.

Hospices, Catholic parishes and other churches often run bereavement groups too. Groups are usually open to anyone in the community.

For church members and leaders

• Note the date of death and send a card on the anniversary.
• Invite the grieving person to sit with you at church.
• Remember them at Christmas, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
• Offer specific help: “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?”
• Keep saying the name of the person who died.

Hospital and hospice chaplains support people of every faith, before and after a death. Many hospices also offer bereavement support to families for months afterward. Ask the care team what is available.

Reach out now

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, 24/7.
• If a life is in danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in over 175 countries. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.