Leaving a high-control group

Steven Hassan, a former member who has spent decades helping people leave, describes how groups can install fears about leaving or questioning. These can sound like “you’ll lose your soul”, “you’ll fall apart”, or “the outside world will destroy you”.

These fears can feel very real in your body, even when part of you doubts them. That is how they were designed to work.

Researcher Alexandra Stein explains that high-control groups often cut people off from outside ties, keep them very busy, and keep up a sense of threat. The group then becomes the only “safe haven”, even while it causes fear.

This pull, toward the very thing that frightens you, can make clear thinking very hard. It is a human response to an impossible situation, not a personal failing.

Leaving can mean losing a home, a job, friends and sometimes family all at once. Research with former members describes these losses as one of the hardest parts of leaving.

Knowing this helps you plan. You can think about each part, one at a time, instead of facing it all in one night.

Many groups teach members that doubts are a personal failing. Clinicians who work with former members stress that people were misled and should not blame themselves.

Your doubts may be your own good sense speaking. It’s okay to listen to them.

ICSA suggests journaling about memories, experiences and new beliefs, as a way to stay grounded and build your own sense of self.

Keep it safe

• Paper kept somewhere others won’t look
• A notes app with a passcode
• An email account only you can open

This could be a friend, a relative, a former member, a teacher or a counselor. If no one comes to mind, anonymous survivor forums or support groups can be a starting point.

Many former members say that learning about influence and control helped them make sense of their experience. ICSA offers survivor stories, booklets and a free online library.

If reading feels frightening at first, that’s understandable. Go slowly and stop when you need to.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline notes that phones, computers and accounts can be monitored. If you think yours might be, use a device others can’t reach, like one at a public library.

Ideas

• Create a new email account no one else knows about
• Use private browsing and clear your history
• Use a library or community-center computer
• Use an encrypted messaging app

ICSA notes that domestic violence services often have experience with psychological coercion. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you build a personal safety plan, free and confidential, 24/7.

Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

If you are made to work for no or little pay, or kept by threats, debts or taken documents, the National Human Trafficking Hotline can help. It is free, confidential, open 24/7, and not law enforcement or immigration.

Call 1-888-373-7888 or text 233733.

ICSA suggests checking whether anything, such as a dependent visa or guardianship, affects your ability to leave. Legal aid or immigration advocacy groups can advise you.

The Legal Services Corporation can help you find free civil legal aid in the U.S. if you have a low income.

A phone of your own makes leaving easier. If you don’t have one, libraries, community centers, cafés and public Wi-Fi can help you get online.

Check whether you have your documents. If not, try to find them or make copies. Legal aid services or shelters can help you replace missing ones.

USA.gov explains how to replace lost or stolen ID cards and vital records, like birth certificates and Social Security cards.

Options

• A notes app with a passcode
• A small USB drive
• Paper hidden somewhere safe

Even a little money of your own matters. Some shelters and nonprofits help people open their own bank account, even without a fixed address.

Think about where you could go: a friend or relative, a domestic violence shelter, a safe house or a hostel. Dialing 211 can connect you with local shelters.

In most of the U.S., you can dial 211 or visit 211.org to find shelters, food help and other services nearby. USA.gov also lists food programs, including SNAP.

Legal aid can help with things like housing, custody or getting documents back. The Legal Services Corporation has a tool to find free legal aid near you.

Former members in one large survey said they wanted more help with everyday skills like job hunting and communication. Researchers suggest counselors support education and career planning.

Skills you may already have

• Cooking or caring for others
• Fundraising or sales
• Organizing events
• Teaching or leading groups
• Working long hours under pressure

ICSA warns that people who have just left can be drawn to offers that promise quick healing, clarity or belonging. Be careful with anything that seems too good to be true.

Talk with a legal aid office or family lawyer before you leave if you can, especially about custody. Domestic violence advocates can help with safety plans that include children.

If you are worried a child is being harmed, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline can talk it through: call or text 1-800-422-4453.

You may still love a partner who stays. The group may tell them you are dangerous or lost. Try to keep messages short, calm and kind, and protect your own safety and plans.

In interviews with former members, losing family and friends was one of the most painful parts of leaving. Some families reconnect over time; others don’t. Both are hard.

You can leave a door open, like a birthday card or a short message, without putting yourself back under pressure.

Former members describe loneliness, emptiness and grief after losing their community. People who were forced out, rather than choosing to leave, often faced even more isolation.

Shunning says something about the group’s rules, not about your worth.

It can sound like

• “Everyone misses you. Just come to one meeting.”
• “You’re being deceived.”
• “Something bad will happen if you stay away.”
• “Think of your family.”

You don’t have to argue or explain. A short reply like “I’m safe, and I need space” is enough. You can also choose not to reply.

Clinicians who work with former members caution against pushing anyone to cut off every past relationship. What fits is your choice, and it can change over time.

Options

• Block or mute numbers and accounts for now
• Keep contact to short messages
• Meet only in public places, with a friend nearby
• Take a break and decide later

ICSA names retaliation and surveillance as real risks for some people who leave. Save messages, write down dates, and talk with a domestic violence advocate or legal aid about protection.

Many former members describe drifting between their old group identity and their new self, and wondering if they should go back. Stress, hunger and tiredness can make this more likely.

What helps

• Eat, rest and notice when you’re stretched thin
• Read your list of reasons you left
• Steer clear of group songs, phrases or places when you’re tired or low
• Talk with a friend, family member or former member

Former members often say they felt out of place in ordinary society after leaving. Researchers compare this adjustment to other big life transitions.

Music, clothes, holidays, dating, even small talk may be new. It’s okay to learn slowly and to laugh at mistakes.

In interviews, former members described fear, guilt and sorrow, and also freedom, joy and a sense that a new world had opened up.

Before joining a new group, or starting with a new therapist, ICSA suggests asking: do they welcome questions, encourage independent thinking, or use guilt, shame or fear?

ICSA’s Professional Network Directory lists support groups, counselors and organizations. A listing is not an endorsement, so check credentials and fit yourself.

Look for groups where people are free to question, disagree and leave.

ICSA shares survivor stories, booklets, recommended books and a free online library for people leaving and their families.

Ways to help

• Ask what they need instead of guessing
• Help with forms, rides, food or a place to stay
• Let them talk, or not talk, about the group
• Don’t mock their old beliefs
• Stay steady if they have doubts about leaving