Toxic friendships: signs and what to do

It often looks like

• Both of you make an effort to stay in touch
• Disagreements get talked through
• They’re happy when good things happen to you
• You can say no without fear
• You feel like yourself around them

Healthy friendships still have rough patches. What matters is that you can repair and move on.

A friendship may be unhealthy if it feels one-sided even after you’ve asked for change, if a friend often belittles or criticizes you, or if there’s constant drama.

Unhealthy friendships can sometimes improve with honest talks and clear boundaries, if both people want that.

Some behavior goes beyond “toxic” and into abuse. Threats, stalking, pressure to do dangerous things, taking your money, or sharing private images or secrets to hurt you are serious.

A friendship can feel one-sided when the other person puts in little time, energy or effort, even after you’ve asked for change.

Balance shifts over time, like when a friend is going through something hard. A pattern where it never comes back your way is different.

A friend who can’t be glad for you, or who always has to do better, can leave you hiding your wins. Some envy is human. Regularly putting you down for your successes is not.

The “Friendship jealousy” guide in this app looks at jealousy between friends in more depth.

Checking up on you, sulking when you have other plans, or trying to cut you off from people are controlling behaviors. Controlling patterns are serious in any relationship.

The “Coercive control” guide in this app explains these patterns more.

Trust is at the heart of friendship. If you often find out that what you told a friend has spread, or that they mock you to others, it’s hard to feel safe opening up.

A friend who uses guilt to get their way (“After everything I’ve done for you…”), never takes responsibility, or twists events so you doubt your memory can leave you confused and small.

The guides “Guilt-tripping, put-downs & character attacks: disrespect in relationships” and “Gaslighting: what it is and how to trust yourself again” go deeper.

Repeatedly ignoring your boundaries is a reason many people step back from a friendship.

Examples

• Borrowing money or things and not giving them back
• Showing up or calling late at night after you’ve asked them not to
• Pushing you to drink, spend or do things you don’t want to
• Sharing photos of you after you said no

Being constantly belittled, insulted or criticized by a friend is a sign the friendship may not be healthy.

Friendly teasing goes both ways and stops when someone is hurt. Mean “jokes” keep going, even after you’ve asked them to stop.

A friendship that harms your life, such as pressure to do dangerous things, is a reason to step back.

This might be pressure around drinking, drugs, driving, sex, breaking rules or the law, or spending money you don’t have.

Frequent drama is one of the reasons people give for ending a friendship.

If you often feel pulled into conflicts, asked to take sides or blamed when things go wrong, notice how much energy this takes from you.

A friend in a hard season may need more than they can give back for a while. That’s part of friendship. It’s also OK to have limits and to encourage them to get other support too.

If a friend talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, take it seriously. You can call or text 988 together, or call 911 if they are in immediate danger.

If you’ve raised the same issue many times and nothing changes, or things get worse when you speak up, the friendship may not be good for you right now.

Most of us have been a less-than-great friend at some point, especially when stressed, jealous or hurting. Noticing it is the first step.

Ways to repair

• Apologize clearly, without “but”
• Ask your friend what would help
• Celebrate their wins out loud
• Listen more than you talk for a while
• Talk with a therapist about what’s underneath

Long friendships hold a piece of your story. It can feel like losing part of yourself, especially if they supported you through hard times.

Friendships that swing between close and cruel can be the hardest to leave, because you keep hoping the good version will stay.

This fear is understandable. You can step back from one person while staying close to others, and true friends usually understand.

If you don’t have many other people around, letting go can feel scary. Building other connections at the same time can help. See the “Making friends as an adult” guide.

If you were raised to keep the peace, protecting yourself can feel selfish. It isn’t. The “People-pleasing & rejection sensitivity” guide in this app can help.

• “I feel hurt when jokes are made about my weight. Can we leave that out?”
• “I’ve noticed I’m usually the one who reaches out. I’d love it if you made plans sometimes too.”
• “When you tell other people things I shared privately, I don’t feel safe opening up.”
• “I care about you, and I need us to talk about this.”

• “You’re so toxic.”
• “Everyone thinks you’re a bad friend.”
• “You always…” or “You never…”
• Bringing up every past hurt at once

Talking to everyone except your friend can also make things worse. If you can, go to them directly.

Some people react badly at first and reflect later. You can say, “I don’t want to fight. I just wanted you to know how I feel. Let’s talk again when we’ve both had time.”

The “Handling conflict & repair” and “Speaking up & assertiveness” guides have more on hard conversations.

Sounds like

• “I can do coffee, but I need to leave by four.”
• “I don’t answer my phone after 10 p.m.”
• “I can’t talk right now. I’ll call you this weekend.”

Sounds like

• “I’m not going to talk about my relationship with you anymore.”
• “Please don’t comment on my body.”
• “I don’t want to hear gossip about our friends.”

Sounds like

• “I’m not able to lend money.”
• “I can’t drive you this time.”
• “I need the jacket back before I lend anything else.”

Sounds like

• “Please ask before posting photos of me.”
• “I’m going to mute the group chat for a while.”

Muting notifications gives you space without a big announcement.

You might see them only in groups, share less personal news, or take longer to reply. This can work when the friendship is draining but not harmful.

Taking a break is one option to consider before ending a friendship.

Sounds like

• “I need some space for a while to sort out how I feel. I’ll reach out when I’m ready.”

If you decide to end it, be direct and honest without placing blame, and acknowledge the good memories. Avoid hinting, or offering false hope if you don’t want to continue.

The “Friendship breakups: when a friendship ends” guide in this app has step-by-step help and words to use.

Steps that can help

• Block them on phone and social media if needed
• Change shared passwords and check location-sharing settings
• End things by message rather than in person, if meeting feels unsafe
• Save copies of threatening messages
• Tell someone you trust what’s happening

• Dreading school or certain activities
• Seeming anxious about messages or group chats
• Being left out on purpose, then pulled back in
• Dropping other friends or interests
• Taking risks they normally wouldn’t

Try

• Ask open questions: “How do you feel after you hang out with them?”
• Help them name what a good friend does
• Practice words they could use to set a limit
• Make it easy to meet other kids through clubs, sports or hobbies

Banning a friend outright can push the friendship underground. Helping your child notice the pattern themselves usually works better, unless their safety is at risk.

If a friendship involves bullying, threats, sharing private images or pressure to do dangerous things, talk with the school counselor or other trusted adults. Call 911 if anyone is in immediate danger.

Talk therapy can help you make sense of relationships, build confidence and practice new ways of responding. Your primary care provider can help you find a therapist.

Talk with your clinical provider about what kind of support is right for you.

Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or chat at 988lifeline.org. It’s free, confidential and open 24/7.

You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Text Line counselor, any time.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.

Visit findahelpline.com to find free, confidential helplines around the world. It’s listed by the International Association for Suicide Prevention.