Finding a safe place to go when a relationship ends

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. If you think you are being followed, go to a police or fire station, a busy public place, or a friend’s home.

Advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you plan, find a shelter and think through options. They also run a free, real-time shelter bed finder.

Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, 24/7.

If you are not in danger but need a roof soon, start with people you trust and call 211 for local shelter and housing help. See the next two sections.

If you can stay where you are safely for now, use the time to save a little money, gather papers and look at housing options.

Example

• “My relationship has ended and I need somewhere safe to stay for a little while. Could I stay with you for a week or two while I sort things out?”

Being clear about how long and what you need makes it easier for people to say yes.

Things to talk about

• How long you can stay, and when you’ll check in about it
• Chipping in for food or bills, if you can
• Kids, pets and space
• Quiet hours and house rules
• What to say if your ex calls or turns up

If your ex has been threatening, staying with someone they know can be risky. An advocate can help you weigh this up. Ask your hosts not to share where you are, or post photos that show it.

A short stay gives you time to breathe. Use it to contact 211, a housing counselor or legal aid, so you have a plan before the stay runs out.

Dial 211 from most phones, or find your local 211 at 211.org. Help is free and confidential, and available in many languages.

What to ask about

• Emergency shelter tonight
• Food banks and meals
• Help with a deposit or first month’s rent
• Transitional housing

The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) has a free online tool at hud.gov/findshelter. You can search for shelters, food pantries, health clinics and clothing near you.

The same page links to rental assistance, Housing Choice Vouchers and free housing counselors.

Demand for shelter is high. On one day in 2025, 58% of the requests domestic violence programs couldn’t meet were for shelter and housing. If one place is full, ask them who else to try, and call back.

Some services are set up for particular groups, such as veterans and young people.

Domestic violence shelters are usually kept confidential, and they are typically free, even if you have no money. Many can help pay for transportation to get there.

They often offer

• A safe bed, food and basic items
• Child care and help enrolling children in school
• Counseling and support groups
• Legal help, job training and help applying for financial aid

Local emergency shelters serve people and families who have lost housing for many reasons. 211 and HUD’s Find Shelter tool can help you find one.

Rules differ from place to place. It helps to ask about check-in times, what you can bring, and whether children or pets can stay.

The Hotline suggests calling a shelter ahead of time to ask about its policies and how to secure a space.

The Hotline’s website also lists free, real-time domestic violence shelter bed availability.

Many people feel ashamed or scared about going to a shelter. Needing a safe place says nothing bad about you. It is a brave step to protect yourself and anyone who depends on you.

Transitional housing is usually separate apartments for each family, giving you time to recover. Services may include counseling, support groups, job training, legal help, child care and help finding affordable permanent housing.

Shelter staff can help you find transitional housing.

If you are at risk of losing housing or need transitional housing, HUD’s Find Shelter page links to local homeless assistance providers, called a Continuum of Care.

HUD’s Find Shelter page also links to rental assistance, applying for a Housing Choice Voucher, and talking with a free housing counselor.

If your name is on a lease or mortgage, leaving can raise legal questions. A legal aid office can explain your rights where you live. A protective order can sometimes let you stay in the home.

• A list of important phone numbers and addresses
• Bank statements and a recent credit report
• Birth certificates and Social Security cards
• Health insurance cards
• Lease, mortgage or car papers
• Passports or immigration papers

Copies on a thumb drive, kept somewhere your partner can’t find, are a good backup.

• A phone charger
• A spare or prepaid phone, if you can
• Bank cards
• Some cash
• Spare keys for your car and home

Memorize a few key phone numbers in case your phone is taken or lost.

• A change of clothes for a few days
• Glasses, hearing aids or other health aids
• Health items you use every day (ask your clinical provider about getting extras)
• Toiletries

• A favorite toy or blanket for each child
• A notebook and pen
• A photo that makes you feel strong
• Headphones and music

Under the McKinney-Vento Act, children may qualify for help if your family is staying in a shelter, a motel, a car, or doubled up with others because you lost your housing.

Rights can include

• Free school meals
• Free transportation to their school of origin, if requested
• Enrolling right away, even without the usual records
• Staying at their school of origin, or enrolling where you’re staying

Every school district has a local homeless education liaison. They can help you choose the best school, set up transportation, and get school supplies and free meals.

The National Center for Homeless Education, at nche.ed.gov, explains these rights and how to reach your district’s liaison.

Children cope better when they know what is happening, in simple words. Keep small routines going where you can, like bedtime stories or a favorite breakfast.

The Hotline suggests asking friends, family or your vet about temporary care, or contacting a local domestic violence or animal shelter about pet “safekeeping”. The Animal Welfare Institute’s Safe Havens Mapping Project lists pet-friendly shelters by state.

Pack for them

• Copies of vet records
• Food
• Important phone numbers
• Their health supplies

A safety plan covers safe people and places to go, a code word, a spare phone, hidden keys and copies of documents. An advocate can help you make one that fits your life.

Check location sharing on your phone, apps and car, and change passwords from a safer device. Avoid posting your address, workplace or routine.

Cutting off an abuser’s access suddenly can make them escalate, so plan tech changes with an advocate.

A restraining order can require an abuser to stay away and have no contact, and can sometimes let you stay in your home. Federal law says you can get one for free, and you don’t need a lawyer.

The Hotline’s website has a quick-exit button. Your partner may be able to see what you look at online, so a library computer or a friend’s phone can be safer.

What helps

• Agree a rough length of stay and check in kindly
• Give them privacy and a space of their own
• Keep where they are private
• Listen without judging or telling them what to do

• Drive them to appointments or a shelter
• Help them call 211 or fill in forms
• Hold onto a go-bag or copies of papers
• Look after pets or children for a few hours
• Store belongings

Faith communities, community centers and mutual aid groups often help with meals, furniture, moving or a small loan for a deposit. 211 can point you to local groups.

Not having a settled home is exhausting. Try to keep a few anchors: regular meals, a short walk, one person you talk to each day. It is normal to feel numb, tearful or on edge.