Green flags & red flags in relationships

In a healthy relationship you talk openly about problems, value each other’s opinions and feelings, believe each other, make decisions together and respect each other’s time apart.

Some things are not dangerous, but they are worth talking about. Examples might be different ideas about money, a habit of going quiet in arguments, or a partner who is slow to text back.

With a yellow flag, the key question is how the other person responds when you raise it. Do they listen and try, or brush it off?

Unhealthy and abusive relationships are marked by poor communication, disrespect, distrust, dishonesty, control, isolation, unfounded accusations, money control and sexual pressure.

Warning signs of abuse include

• Any form of physical harm
• Checking your phone, email or social media without permission
• Explosive outbursts, temper or mood swings
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Isolating you from friends or family
• Possessiveness or controlling behaviour
• Pressuring or forcing you to have sex
• Putting you down often, especially in front of others

The Gottman Institute separates a complaint, which is about a specific problem, from criticism, which attacks someone’s character. Raising a complaint is healthy and normal.

Green flags sound like

• “Can we talk about what happened last night?”
• “I see it differently, but I hear you.”
• “That’s my fault. Let me fix it.”

Criticism turns a problem into a statement about your character. Over time, being told what kind of person you are can wear down how you see yourself.

Contempt says “I’m better than you.” It includes sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, hostile humour and eye-rolling. Gottman research calls contempt the number one predictor of divorce.

The antidote is a habit of fondness and appreciation, and describing your own feelings instead of attacking.

Putting you down often, especially in front of other people, is a warning sign of abuse. So is humiliating you in any way.

Healthy partners can be honest and still have some privacy. Wanting a private space is not the same as hiding something.

Being honest with each other is part of trust. Over time, you learn you can rely on what they tell you.

Checking your phone, email or social media without permission is a warning sign. So is demanding passwords or proof that you have not broken the relationship’s rules.

Accusing a partner of cheating without reason, or refusing to believe what they say, is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Lying, leaving out facts or blurring the truth is a red flag. When someone keeps denying things you clearly remember, it may be gaslighting.

A supportive partner backs your work, study and goals and wants you to have what you need. Equality means both people have a real say.

Healthy partners talk about what they are and aren’t comfortable with, and respect each other’s limits.

Trying to control what you wear, how you spend money, or whether you go to work or school are forms of control.

Making money decisions alone, or blocking a partner’s access to income or resources, is a sign of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

Using pressure or guilt to push someone into sexual activity or choices about having children is a red flag. Consent is always freely given, and you can say no at any time.

A partner who respects your other relationships is a green flag. Keeping your friendships and family ties strong is also one of the best protections you have.

Feeling jealous sometimes is normal. A green flag is someone who owns the feeling and talks about it, instead of making rules for you or accusing you.

Extreme jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness are warning signs of abuse.

Getting irritated, pressuring you to drop friends, or going cold when you want time with others is a significant red flag.

Isolating someone, whether physically, financially or emotionally, makes them easier to control. It also makes it harder to get an outside view.

Healthy early attention feels comfortable and matches the pace you both want. Love bombing often feels forced, rushed or unwanted.

Thoughtful gifts and frequent texting can be normal. Watch for strings attached, like a gift paired with a demand.

Over-the-top compliments, calling you a soulmate or saying “I love you” within weeks can be signs of a bigger issue, especially if it makes you anxious.

Constant calls, texts or messages, especially with an aggressive tone, go beyond normal early dating.

Gottman researchers define a bid as any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or other positive connection.

A bid can be as small as sharing a thought or sighing after a long day. Responding warmly, even briefly, shows you are there.

Healthy couples still have negative moments, but they repair them quickly. Stable couples have about five positive moments for every negative one during conflict.

Contempt grows from long-simmering negative thoughts about a partner. Research links contemptuous couples with more colds and flu, as well as a higher risk of breaking up.

Control often builds slowly. Watch for a growing list of things you need permission for, or a partner who gets angry when you don’t do what they want.

Feeling nervous, afraid or unable to disagree with a partner is a sign that something is wrong.

Talking openly about what feels uncomfortable, and saying what you are comfortable with, is a healthy step when you feel safe to do it.

You might say

• “I felt hurt when you read my messages. I need my privacy respected.”
• “I want to keep seeing my friends on weekends. That’s important to me.”

If someone has been violent, threatening or very controlling, raising it directly may not be safe. An advocate can help you think through options and make a safety plan.

Hurtful behaviour can be hard to see when you are the one doing it. The Hotline says acknowledging you may be hurting a partner is the first step toward a healthier relationship.

Questions to ask yourself

• Do I check where they are or read their messages?
• Do I get angry when they don’t do what I want?
• Do I struggle to calm down once I’m angry?
• Do I yell, call them names or put them down?
• Do I expect them to get my approval before seeing others?

Let them talk without interrupting or telling them what to do. Reflect back what you hear.

You might say

• “That sounds really hard.”
• “You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”
• “Whatever you decide, I’m here.”

Criticising their partner or saying “leave or else” can make them defend the relationship. Gently name what you’ve noticed instead, and trust them to choose.

love is respect offers young people an outside view by phone, text or chat, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline supports friends and family too.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org. Advocates can help you think through a relationship and make a safety plan.

Support for young people with questions about dating and relationships, and for people helping a friend.

Free and confidential, any time, by call, text or chat at 988lifeline.org.

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