Gaslighting: what it is and how to trust yourself again

Everyone forgets things and sees events from their own side. Disagreeing about what happened, then talking it through, is a normal part of being close to someone.

It often looks like

• Both of you can be unsure
• You compare notes and listen
• Your feelings still count, even if details differ

With gaslighting, one person keeps saying your memory is wrong, calls you “crazy” or “overreacting”, refuses responsibility and rarely apologises. You leave conversations more confused than before.

It often looks like

• Only their version is allowed to be true
• Your feelings are called the problem
• You start checking your own memory all the time

The Hotline names five common gaslighting tactics: withholding, countering, blocking or diverting, trivialising, and forgetting or denial.

Between partners, gaslighting usually starts slowly. Over time, you may come to rely on your partner to tell you what is real, which gives them more power and makes leaving harder.

It might sound like

• “You’re being paranoid. Everyone texts their ex.”
• “I was joking. You can’t take anything.”
• “We agreed to this. You just don’t remember.”

Gaslighting can happen among family members too.

In families, it may look like rewriting shared history, denying painful events, or casting one person as the “dramatic” or “difficult” one.

Gaslighting can include isolating you from your support network, or telling you that others see you the same way they do.

If you hear “everyone thinks so”, it can help to check with those people yourself.

Researchers describe workplace gaslighting by a supervisor as having two parts: trivialisation, which dismisses your view and concerns, and affliction, which directs negative emotions at you.

In studies, more gaslighting at work went with lower job satisfaction, and with more anxiety and low mood.

Harvard Health describes medical gaslighting as health professionals appearing to dismiss or ignore a patient’s concerns. It is often unintentional, but it can lead to missed or delayed diagnoses.

Women and people of colour are more often not taken seriously, as are people with conditions that are poorly understood.

Gaslighting usually happens gradually. Early on, the behaviour may seem harmless, so there is no clear moment to object.

We naturally give weight to what partners, parents and bosses say. When someone you trust keeps saying you are wrong, doubting yourself can feel safer than doubting them.

Isolating you from friends and family is a common gaslighting tactic. With fewer people to compare notes with, their version becomes the only one you hear.

Sociologist Paige Sweet found that abusers used stereotypes, such as the idea that women are irrational, plus racial stereotypes and institutions, to make victims doubt their reality.

Her study argued that small, everyday tactics of abuse draw strength from bigger social inequalities.

The Hotline explains that once your trust in your own perceptions is broken down, you are more likely to stay in an abusive relationship.

The Hotline advises making sure an abusive partner does not have access to your personal journals.

Internet use can be monitored and is hard to erase completely. If you’re worried, a trusted friend’s device or a public computer may be safer.

Showing your notes to someone who gaslights may not change their mind, and it may not be safe.

Your log is there to steady you, and to share with people who support you, like a therapist, advocate or lawyer.

Harvard Health suggests bringing a symptom journal, a brief statement of your concerns and a short list of questions, and asking for time for them at the end.

Choose one or two people who are calm, honest and on your side. You might describe what happened and ask, “Does this sound okay to you?”

The Hotline notes that when survivors write to friends and family about what happened, they are often surprised by how supportive the responses are.

Support groups at domestic violence or social service organisations, or online, can connect you with other survivors.

A therapist can help you recognise gaslighting, heal from it, and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

Start with low-stakes choices, like what to eat or which film to watch, and notice that your judgment works. Each small choice rebuilds trust in yourself.

The Hotline reminds survivors to be patient, to take small steps, and that it is okay to take whatever time you need.

It is never your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you. Reminding yourself of your value, even in small ways, supports healing.

Phrases to try

• “My feelings make sense.”
• “I can trust what I saw.”
• “I’m allowed to take my time.”

Arguing over details can go in circles. You can stand by your memory without convincing the other person.

You might say

• “I remember it differently, and I trust my memory.”
• “My feelings are real, even if you don’t share them.”
• “I’m not going to argue about what happened.”

When a conversation keeps turning on you, it is okay to end it. You might say, “I’m going to take a break,” and leave the room or end the call.

Follow up spoken conversations with a short email recap. Researchers studying workplace gaslighting recommend that employees be encouraged to report it.

Harvard Health suggests bringing a supportive friend to take notes, calmly naming your concern if a visit goes badly, and changing clinicians or getting a second opinion if needed.

The Hotline offers safety planning help by phone, text and chat.

Anyone with access to your phone or computer may see the websites you visit. A public computer or a friend’s phone may be safer when you look for help.

Not every relationship ends completely. With a relative or coworker, you might keep contact short, stick to safe topics, or only meet with others present.

After stepping back, you may hear the other person’s voice in your head, or wonder if you overreacted. Reading your facts log and calling a reality-check person can help.

Listen without judging, and gently reflect what you notice. Hearing “That sounds really confusing” or “I saw that too” can be a huge relief.

Criticising the other person or demanding they leave can make them defend that person. Trust them to make their own choices, and keep the door open.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline supports anyone worried about a relationship, including friends and family.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org. Advocates can help you think through a relationship and make a safety plan.

Support for young people with questions about dating and relationships.

Free and confidential, any time, by call, text or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline is a global directory of free, confidential support. Choose your country to see local options.