Holidays, food & traditions: blending two cultures at home

For many people, especially those living far from where they grew up, traditions are one of the few daily links to home, language and family. Losing them can feel like losing part of yourself.

The Gottman Institute describes rituals and traditions as one way couples build “shared meaning”, a sense of a life and identity you share.

Fasting, prayer times, food rules or holy days may be a matter of conscience for one partner. It helps to know which practices are “must keep” and which are “nice to keep”.

The guide “Interfaith couples: love across religions” goes deeper on beliefs and practice.

Wanting to pass traditions on is natural, and it can make holiday choices feel high-stakes. The guide “Raising children in two cultures (or faiths)” covers identity, language and names.

The Gottman Institute suggests talking about the rituals you each had growing up: your best and worst memories, what would have made them better and what they mean to you now.

The “Our two traditions map” worksheet walks you through this.

• Let go: things neither of you will miss
• Must keep: things that feel essential to faith or identity
• Nice to keep: things you enjoy but could change

Each partner sorts their own list first, then you compare. You may find fewer clashes than you feared.

Two holidays in one season, two languages in a toast or two kinds of food on one table often work fine. Compromise does not have to mean each of you gets half of what you wanted.

• A calendar with both sets of holidays
• Art, photos or objects from both cultures
• Music and films from both backgrounds
• Recipes from both families in one notebook

Some couples cook one dish from each culture on their anniversary, or tell the story of how they met each year. Simple and repeated works better than grand and rare.

A weekly or monthly night for cooking together, mixing flavours from both kitchens, can become a fun, low-pressure tradition. It also invites children in.

Folk tales, lullabies, proverbs or family stories keep culture alive even without big holidays. A recorded call with a grandparent telling a story can become a keepsake.

The Gottman Institute lists everyday moments where rituals can form: waking up, meals, bedtime, reuniting after time apart, celebrations, caring for each other when sick and repairing after an argument.

Add both sets of holidays, faith days, birthdays and family events. Seeing it all at once helps you spot clashes early and share the load fairly.

• Alternate big holidays between families each year
• Celebrate one holiday with each family
• Host both families together, if they get along
• Split one day: lunch with one side, dinner with the other

Big trips may only happen every year or two. Agree how long you will stay, where you will sleep and whether you will build in a few days just for yourselves.

When you can’t travel, a video call at a meal or a shared online ceremony can help you feel close.

Often the partner whose holiday it is ends up doing most of the work. Agree how you will share it, so both people can enjoy the day.

Missing a certain dish can be a form of homesickness. Learning to cook your partner’s comfort food, even badly at first, can be a powerful act of love.

Halal, kosher, vegetarian or fasting practices may be deeply important. Agree on what that means for your shared kitchen, for eating out and for visits to each family.

• Keep separate pans or shelves if needed
• Learn which ingredients to check on labels
• Plan meals around fasting days together

Late dinners or early, eating with hands or cutlery, everyone together or children first. None is right or wrong. Talk about what each of you expects before visits, so no one feels judged at the table.

Asking a parent-in-law to teach you a family recipe can open a door, even if you don’t share a language. It shows respect and interest in where your partner comes from.

Ask: “In your family, who did this?” for cooking, cleaning, money, hosting, childcare and caring for parents. Knowing where an expectation comes from makes it less personal.

List every regular task, then decide together who does what. Include the “invisible” work, like remembering birthdays and planning holidays. The “Who does what at home” worksheet can help.

In some families, adult children are expected to live with or support aging parents. In others, independence is the norm. Talk early about what you each expect, long before it becomes urgent.

Some couples share chores at home but follow more traditional roles when visiting relatives. That can be fine if you both agree. It becomes a problem when one partner feels pushed into a role they didn’t choose.

• How long the stay will be
• House rules that matter to you (shoes, food, privacy)
• Where everyone will sleep
• Who will host, cook and drive
• Time for just the two of you

It often helps for each partner to “translate” their own family: explaining customs to their partner, and gently setting limits with their own relatives. It is easier for relatives to hear a limit from their own child.

A daily walk, a quiet hour or an evening out can help the partner who is far from their own culture recharge. Taking a break is not rude. It helps everyone stay kinder.

• “We do it a bit differently here, and it works for us.”
• “I’d love to learn how you make it.”
• “We’ve agreed on that as a couple.”

The guide “When family or in-laws don’t accept your relationship” covers deeper objections.

After a visit, talk about what went well, what was hard and what to change next time. Thank each other for the effort.

Missing the sounds, food and crowds of a home holiday is a real kind of grief. Naming it, and making room for it, often helps more than pushing it away.

Ask: “Over a whole year, whose culture shows up most in our home?” If one side keeps winning by default, you can rebalance on purpose.

• Ask what they miss most
• Cook or find a favourite food together
• Help them connect with people from their culture
• Make time for calls home

If holiday plans keep ending in the same argument, the guides “Talking across cultures: communication strategies for couples” and “Handling conflict & repair” have scripts and repair tools.

Many cities have cultural associations, places of worship and community groups that hold festivals open to families of all backgrounds. Some welcome mixed and interfaith families specifically.

Friends in cross-cultural relationships can share what has worked for their holidays and visits. Hearing “we struggled with that too” can be a relief.

Hosting friends for a holiday from one of your cultures spreads the joy and builds a “chosen family” around your traditions. The Gottman Institute suggests inviting others into the rituals you create.